Me again... did you miss me? You can see that there are still only 24 followers of this site, but at the moment I've had 3,194 page views. Hmmmm... interesting. I wonder who's too skeered to let it be known that they are actually reading? Actually.... I have a couple of ideas. My long standing peeps know exactly who I'm talking about. ;-)
I thought I'd throw in a little more back-story for you newbies. I think today I'll focus on D's parental units, whom I lovingly refer too as the Troll and the Cactus. You'll notice that I called them 'parental units'. That's because these people are the sorriest excusues for parents known to man, and they don't deserve the title.
They never liked me. David and I were together for 20 years, but they never thought I was good enough for him. I'm not being hard on myself here.... they told me that, TO MY FACE, on more than one occasion. But I worked very hard, lo those 20 years, to be a wonderful daughter-in-law... always including them in every celebration, allowing them to visit whenever they wanted, (even though, for YEARS, David was traveling & I had to entertain them by myself... ugh!) making sure there were always birthday, Mother's day and Father's day gifts, etc. I was pleasant as pie, and never let on how hard it was to have them around. And FYI... David didn't want them around either. He never had a good relationship with them. True, he was a wee bit closer to the Troll than he was to the Cactus, but he wasn't interested. They have said since his death that I'M the reason they didn't have a great relationship.... that I wouldn't ALLOW it. Let me tell you peeps... David was one stubborn motherfucker, and no one could ever TELL him what to do or force him to do anything. You can be sure that if he didn't spend much time with them, it's because he didn't want to.
As I said, I was never their favorite person, but once David was diagnosed they aimed their venom and hatred squarely at me. The Cactus even had the temerity to say that David had cancer because of me.... that the stress of having to endure being my husband it what made him sick. Nice. Then, about a year into treatment, he said that David wasn't getting better because I didn't want him to. Are you fucking kidding me???? And that's not even the tip of the iceberg. Once David walked out on me, it was ON... on like Donkey Kong, baby. There was NO way that their perfect child... their golden boy... would abandon his family unless his wife was such an unbearable shrew that he had no other choice. Yep. That's the one they went with. They decided to completely ignore the hundreds of medical studies documenting the severity of brain damage caused by chemotherapy. People can have metabolic brain trauma after one treatment. When he left, David had already endured 14 rounds of the most toxic chemo cocktail available in modern science. I believe, with ever fiber of my being, that his brain processes had been altered to such a degree that he wasn't able to make appropriate decisions. He had no understanding of what the consequences of his actions would be. Even if he had hated me... which I know he didn't... the man I had been married to for almost 18 years would never, EVER walk out on his children.
I thought I had experienced their hatred before, but it wasn't until after David died that they proved to me that evil does in fact, walk the earth in human form.
I think I'll leave you hangin' there for now. :0)
xoxo
S
"Truth is always exciting. Speak it, then; life is dull without it."
-Pearl S. Buck
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
08 January 2011
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No matter how many times I hear about the Cactus and Trolls behavior, it never ceases to amaze me. As a mom, no matter how old your kids are, don't you always strive to be in their lives? I remember Richard's mom telling me that she was so grateful Richard found me because she didn't know what she would do if we didn't get a long. I am always grateful for my in laws. They treat me as their own. I am so sorry you never had that...and beyone that, had to endure hate from them. I just don't get it. What's to hate? Even if you don't "love" someone, can't you learn to "get along"?
ReplyDeleteTheir glaring ignorance shows with statements like the fact you caused David to get cancer and he never got better because you didn't want him to. If that were true, they should be scared shitless of you...imagine what you could do to them with your evil thoughts! HA!
aot
r~
These people are not human beings....they come from another planet. Hardened criminals have a better nurturing attitude than these freaks. I saw their behavior first hand and wish I had the BALLS to call them out on it. One day....Maybe.
ReplyDeleteI do have to remember they are the boys' grandparents (and I use that term loosely).
I hope I have a daughter in law one day that is just like you. What I witnessed as you took care of your very ill husband was true love. No one should want more than what you gave unconditionally to their son. If they gave a fraction, emotionally and physically, of what you gave, the transition would not as sickening as it is now. They should have taken care of WITHOUT ASKING anything you could not handle.
I have said enough....Be Gone Troll and Cactus!
Love nuggets to you all!
Thanks Auntie Nut. :0) Yes, my wonderful Auntie had the DISTINCT displeasure of witnessing the truly acid, hateful behavior of those 'people' on numerous occasions. She was even there the day he ripped me to shreds on the soccer field. I'm not happy that you had to experience ANY of that, but it does give me some comfort... some reassurance that I'm NOT crazy and that the events took place exactly as I said they did. Seriously people, these two... and those with whom they associate... act in such a hideously wretched manner, that there were times I started to think maybe I was the problem. I now know, unequivocally, that I was NEVER me. Thank God.
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