Me again... did you miss me? You can see that there are still only 24 followers of this site, but at the moment I've had 3,194 page views. Hmmmm... interesting. I wonder who's too skeered to let it be known that they are actually reading? Actually.... I have a couple of ideas. My long standing peeps know exactly who I'm talking about. ;-)
I thought I'd throw in a little more back-story for you newbies. I think today I'll focus on D's parental units, whom I lovingly refer too as the Troll and the Cactus. You'll notice that I called them 'parental units'. That's because these people are the sorriest excusues for parents known to man, and they don't deserve the title.
They never liked me. David and I were together for 20 years, but they never thought I was good enough for him. I'm not being hard on myself here.... they told me that, TO MY FACE, on more than one occasion. But I worked very hard, lo those 20 years, to be a wonderful daughter-in-law... always including them in every celebration, allowing them to visit whenever they wanted, (even though, for YEARS, David was traveling & I had to entertain them by myself... ugh!) making sure there were always birthday, Mother's day and Father's day gifts, etc. I was pleasant as pie, and never let on how hard it was to have them around. And FYI... David didn't want them around either. He never had a good relationship with them. True, he was a wee bit closer to the Troll than he was to the Cactus, but he wasn't interested. They have said since his death that I'M the reason they didn't have a great relationship.... that I wouldn't ALLOW it. Let me tell you peeps... David was one stubborn motherfucker, and no one could ever TELL him what to do or force him to do anything. You can be sure that if he didn't spend much time with them, it's because he didn't want to.
As I said, I was never their favorite person, but once David was diagnosed they aimed their venom and hatred squarely at me. The Cactus even had the temerity to say that David had cancer because of me.... that the stress of having to endure being my husband it what made him sick. Nice. Then, about a year into treatment, he said that David wasn't getting better because I didn't want him to. Are you fucking kidding me???? And that's not even the tip of the iceberg. Once David walked out on me, it was ON... on like Donkey Kong, baby. There was NO way that their perfect child... their golden boy... would abandon his family unless his wife was such an unbearable shrew that he had no other choice. Yep. That's the one they went with. They decided to completely ignore the hundreds of medical studies documenting the severity of brain damage caused by chemotherapy. People can have metabolic brain trauma after one treatment. When he left, David had already endured 14 rounds of the most toxic chemo cocktail available in modern science. I believe, with ever fiber of my being, that his brain processes had been altered to such a degree that he wasn't able to make appropriate decisions. He had no understanding of what the consequences of his actions would be. Even if he had hated me... which I know he didn't... the man I had been married to for almost 18 years would never, EVER walk out on his children.
I thought I had experienced their hatred before, but it wasn't until after David died that they proved to me that evil does in fact, walk the earth in human form.
I think I'll leave you hangin' there for now. :0)
xoxo
S
"Truth is always exciting. Speak it, then; life is dull without it."
-Pearl S. Buck
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
08 January 2011
Happy Saturday... :0)
Good morning my little widgets. :0) It's sooooo quiet in the house! Leighanna & Jayden are with their mom, so it's almost like a mini vacay. Notice I said almost. Yep... my 2 nerds are here... where the fuck else would they be? The offers of playdates and sleepovers have definitely dried up, and all I can say is BUMMER. I even posted a request on my livestrong site yesterday, asking if anyone would be willing to have Rory over at some point this weekend. Out of the 100 or so locals signed up to recieve notifications, I got only one response. One. And it was from my CRAZY friend Kathryn who has 3 kids of her own and so many weekend activities that she never sits down. Nutjob. It would be fab to have one day... just one... where Finn & I could just go out and about without worrying about a schedule, or trying to do as much as we can in as little time as possible... quick! The baby's napping... let's GO! We don't even have anything scheduled this weekend... no sports, no Cotillion, no social events. Next weekend will bring Rory's kid party, and the following one Reilly has a Cotillion ice skating event at 8:30 in the morning in Reston!!! Who's the dirty bitch whore that sceduled THAT???
I wish I could say that we had something fun planned for today, but that would be a big, fat nope. Guess I'll sit here and pout. Okay, not really, but it sounded good! Have a good one.
S
I wish I could say that we had something fun planned for today, but that would be a big, fat nope. Guess I'll sit here and pout. Okay, not really, but it sounded good! Have a good one.
S
07 January 2011
Well, shit.
I posted my site link on Facebook today. I wanted to reach more readers and thought it would be the easiest way to do that. I find it ironic, and pretty fucking irritating, that TODAY I heard from so many people who said I should turn my content into a book. Why is that, you ask? Here's the story... I've believed for quite a long time that my writings had serious book potential. There even seemed to me to be 3 very distinct volumes. 1. The first 14 months of cancer, treatment, the incredible emotional fallout that ensued, relying on prayer and experiencing true acts of generosity and kindness by complete strangers . 2. Trying to pick up the pieces after David left; becoming a single mom, learning how to manage it all by myself, figuring out how to co-parent, and then his horrible descent and death. 3. Starting over, yet again, while walking the boys through their unfathomable grief, dodging the daily financial landmines that were left behind, trying to regain my faith and find my way back to some sort of peace and joy. It's pretty clear to me that there is a LOT of good stuff there. I know my writing speaks to people and I do believe that there is an audience for it.
So, as many of you know, I've been looking into the whole publishing thing, off and on, for quite a while. The major issue is that it's nearly impossible to get noticed as an unknown author. You've got to have an 'in' in publishing. I've explored a few avenues through friends of friends... that kind of thing, but I held off contacting the one person in the business that I actually know. She was a high school classmate of David's. They didn't stay in touch, but reconnected at their 20 year high school reunion and rekindled their friendship. She's a darling girl and thought very highly of David. She even went to the trouble of coming to his funeral, even though she lives in Chicago. I had been reluctant to contact her because she did like him so much. Those of you who've been reading for any length of time know that there were a lot of not-so-nice things said about him in my journals. Unfortunately, they're all true. Anyhoo, a few days ago, she posted an ad on facebook for a class she's teaching on writing a book proposal. I took that as a sign that it was time to get in touch. I sent her a lengthy e-mail on Wednesday, and finally got a response today. Here are some of the key things she said:
"You have a talent for shaping narrative. You have a strong voice. You've had success, in terms of numbers of hits, with your blog."
Good, right? Not so fast...
"... you are far from ready to publish a book. You'll practically have to begin again. It will involve a great deal of planning and effort."
"I'd be remiss if I didn't expose you to an awful publishing reality: there are many, many people who want to publish their cancer narratives. You're in an extremely competitive field."
Ain't that just a kick in the balls? It's not like I thought I'd just print up my journals and, voila... a book. No... but I certainly wasn't prepared for what she told me. Shit. And honestly, I wouldn't classify my story as just a cancer narrative.... it's so much more than that. Yes, the reason I started writing was cancer. But I wrote about love, loss, betrayal, anger, holding on to my faith, caregiving, parenting and single-parenting, looking pure evil in the face, losing my faith, his death, the daily fight to NOT commit suicide, ushering my boys through their heartbreaking sadness, the selflessness of others, true friendship, trying to figure out who I really am, and thankfully.... blessedly.... falling in love again.
Oh well. I'll never be a renowned author, but at least I've got you monkey butts to read this shit. :0)
xoxo
S
So, as many of you know, I've been looking into the whole publishing thing, off and on, for quite a while. The major issue is that it's nearly impossible to get noticed as an unknown author. You've got to have an 'in' in publishing. I've explored a few avenues through friends of friends... that kind of thing, but I held off contacting the one person in the business that I actually know. She was a high school classmate of David's. They didn't stay in touch, but reconnected at their 20 year high school reunion and rekindled their friendship. She's a darling girl and thought very highly of David. She even went to the trouble of coming to his funeral, even though she lives in Chicago. I had been reluctant to contact her because she did like him so much. Those of you who've been reading for any length of time know that there were a lot of not-so-nice things said about him in my journals. Unfortunately, they're all true. Anyhoo, a few days ago, she posted an ad on facebook for a class she's teaching on writing a book proposal. I took that as a sign that it was time to get in touch. I sent her a lengthy e-mail on Wednesday, and finally got a response today. Here are some of the key things she said:
"You have a talent for shaping narrative. You have a strong voice. You've had success, in terms of numbers of hits, with your blog."
Good, right? Not so fast...
"... you are far from ready to publish a book. You'll practically have to begin again. It will involve a great deal of planning and effort."
"I'd be remiss if I didn't expose you to an awful publishing reality: there are many, many people who want to publish their cancer narratives. You're in an extremely competitive field."
Ain't that just a kick in the balls? It's not like I thought I'd just print up my journals and, voila... a book. No... but I certainly wasn't prepared for what she told me. Shit. And honestly, I wouldn't classify my story as just a cancer narrative.... it's so much more than that. Yes, the reason I started writing was cancer. But I wrote about love, loss, betrayal, anger, holding on to my faith, caregiving, parenting and single-parenting, looking pure evil in the face, losing my faith, his death, the daily fight to NOT commit suicide, ushering my boys through their heartbreaking sadness, the selflessness of others, true friendship, trying to figure out who I really am, and thankfully.... blessedly.... falling in love again.
Oh well. I'll never be a renowned author, but at least I've got you monkey butts to read this shit. :0)
xoxo
S
Trying to find my way... again.
So it's clear that I need to do something to pull myself out of this funk. But of course, since I'm in DIRE need of some inspiration, I couldn't find any of my favorite books this morning. I fuckin ripped the house apart to lay my hands on the ones that have really spoken to me, to no avail. Here's a little something I came across though:
THANKFULNESS
"Let us rise up and be thankful,
for if we didn't learn a lot today,
at least we learned a little,
and if we didn't learn a little,
at least we didn't get sick,
and if we got sick,
at least we didn't die;
so let us all be thankful."
-Buddha
Yes, I am certainly thankful to be on THIS side of the grass. Pushin' up daisies doesn't exactly sound appealing. Although, hiding somewhere far away from my children sounded like a mighty good idea this morning. Holy shit. Some days they just fuckin KILL me. Rory woke up in a great mood... happy, silly and being goofy. And then he flipped the switch. His emotions are SO raw that he swings from one extreme to another in the blink of an eye. He was screaming... and I mean SCREAMING... a total banshee. All because he was frustrated about not being able to get his shoes on. Ugh. And Reilly was even helping him. Often Reilly is just a giant assbag in the morning, but today he was really being helpful. That is, until Rory flipped.... then Reilly flipped. Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick... learn how to control yourself dude! He's 7.... you're 15... take a chill!!! The only one who was perfectly behaved was Leighanna. I made sure to sing her praises once we got in the car. I wanted to ensure the boys heard me telling her what a great job she did getting ready this morning and how proud I was of her. Yep... sometimes the BOYS are the moody ones!!!
Both Rory & Leilei's classes are going on a field trip to a farm today. It was rescheduled from sometime in December and I signed up back then to chaperone. Well fuck. SO not interested in dealing with screamin' mimi for 3 hours DURING the school day. Great. Whatevs.
Auntie Nut... I MUST address your comment last night. I may have a filthy mouth... nastier than most sailors... but there is a particular word that I don't allow to be uttered in my home, or even in my presence for that matter. The F word... no, not fuck.... the OTHER f word. And if I won't let anyone say the word, you can be SURE that I don't allow the activity!!! Eeeeeeew!!!! Nasty!!!! Disgusting!!!! And did you ACTUALLY mention those skeezbags Brad and Angelina in comparison to my Finn et moi???? I may have to smack you for that one. You know I'm all about NO judgement.... unless of course, you happen to be a movie star... then you're fair game. Those two make me wanna fuckin puke. He is a douchebag for cheating on his wife, and she's just a dirty, home-wrecking whore. They make me SICK. I never really got her... never found her appealing. But Brad? I used to LOVE him. Remember 'Ledgends of the Fall'? One of the greatest movies ever. Loved it... loved him... but once you cheat on your wife? That's it. We're done. So, my beloved Auntie Nut, it's a good thing that I positively adore you.... I wouldn't want to have to fly out there just to open up a can of whoop ass on you. :0)
Guess I'd better get crackin'. Being a workin' woman now, Friday is the only day I have to run errands and I only have a little time because of this damn fieldtrip. Grrrrr.
OUR LEGACY
"When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced; live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice."
-White Elk
Make it a good one. Love ya.
S
THANKFULNESS
"Let us rise up and be thankful,
for if we didn't learn a lot today,
at least we learned a little,
and if we didn't learn a little,
at least we didn't get sick,
and if we got sick,
at least we didn't die;
so let us all be thankful."
-Buddha
Yes, I am certainly thankful to be on THIS side of the grass. Pushin' up daisies doesn't exactly sound appealing. Although, hiding somewhere far away from my children sounded like a mighty good idea this morning. Holy shit. Some days they just fuckin KILL me. Rory woke up in a great mood... happy, silly and being goofy. And then he flipped the switch. His emotions are SO raw that he swings from one extreme to another in the blink of an eye. He was screaming... and I mean SCREAMING... a total banshee. All because he was frustrated about not being able to get his shoes on. Ugh. And Reilly was even helping him. Often Reilly is just a giant assbag in the morning, but today he was really being helpful. That is, until Rory flipped.... then Reilly flipped. Jesus H. Christ on a popsicle stick... learn how to control yourself dude! He's 7.... you're 15... take a chill!!! The only one who was perfectly behaved was Leighanna. I made sure to sing her praises once we got in the car. I wanted to ensure the boys heard me telling her what a great job she did getting ready this morning and how proud I was of her. Yep... sometimes the BOYS are the moody ones!!!
Both Rory & Leilei's classes are going on a field trip to a farm today. It was rescheduled from sometime in December and I signed up back then to chaperone. Well fuck. SO not interested in dealing with screamin' mimi for 3 hours DURING the school day. Great. Whatevs.
Auntie Nut... I MUST address your comment last night. I may have a filthy mouth... nastier than most sailors... but there is a particular word that I don't allow to be uttered in my home, or even in my presence for that matter. The F word... no, not fuck.... the OTHER f word. And if I won't let anyone say the word, you can be SURE that I don't allow the activity!!! Eeeeeeew!!!! Nasty!!!! Disgusting!!!! And did you ACTUALLY mention those skeezbags Brad and Angelina in comparison to my Finn et moi???? I may have to smack you for that one. You know I'm all about NO judgement.... unless of course, you happen to be a movie star... then you're fair game. Those two make me wanna fuckin puke. He is a douchebag for cheating on his wife, and she's just a dirty, home-wrecking whore. They make me SICK. I never really got her... never found her appealing. But Brad? I used to LOVE him. Remember 'Ledgends of the Fall'? One of the greatest movies ever. Loved it... loved him... but once you cheat on your wife? That's it. We're done. So, my beloved Auntie Nut, it's a good thing that I positively adore you.... I wouldn't want to have to fly out there just to open up a can of whoop ass on you. :0)
Guess I'd better get crackin'. Being a workin' woman now, Friday is the only day I have to run errands and I only have a little time because of this damn fieldtrip. Grrrrr.
OUR LEGACY
"When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced; live your life so that when you die, the world cries and you rejoice."
-White Elk
Make it a good one. Love ya.
S
06 January 2011
Go Piss Up A Rope
Yes. If you have a measureable IQ, you can see that I'm still in the funk. No tears today... just blah. I volunteered in Rory's class and then came home & got in bed for a few hours. At least I have an excuse this time... I don't think I slept a full hour last night. It doesn't seem that there are enough mood-altering drugs on the planet to stop the screaming inside my head. And before you start to flip out.... NO, I'm not REALLY hearing voices.... just trying to paint you a picture.
I have to give a HUGE shout out to my ToJo... I read your post last night and laughed out loud. SEVERAL times. Finn will be so pleased to know that his lovely descriptive phrase 'cum bubble' stuck with you. :0) In any case, I was in desperate need of a laugh, so thanks girl. Interesting that you brought up the domestic partnership thing. I actually researched it a bit during Christmas break. There's another thing called a civil union that I was reading about too. Now don't go gettin' all of your undies in a wad... we're not getting married, but it's certainly something we've talked about. I know that my mudda will be hugely relieved to know that I CAN'T get married, unless I'm willing to give up my spousal death benefits. It's only $1300 a month, but it's 1300 bucks without which, we cannot survive. My benefits will continue until Rory is 16. Nice, huh? I guess that means I don't have to do any actual parenting between 16 and 18. The laws on the books are fairly vague as to SSI Death Benefits and how they are affected by domestic partnership and civil union. I'd have to ask one of my FIVE attorneys to get clarification if it ever came to that. Finn is such a love... the DAY that I was dropped from my health insurance, he said we should get married so the kids and I could get on his plan. VERY sweet, but I'd like to get married for reasons OTHER than needing insurance.
I also want to remind those of you who might be cringing at the very mention of the M word. Yes, David only died 6 months ago, but he left me more than a year before that. In many ways, for me at least, he died on June 6th of 2009. And no, there's no reason to rush. I just detest calling him my 'boyfriend'. I've had boyfriends, and he is SO much more than that. We have blended our families... we're raising our children together... what do we call that? I certainly feel the pain of my gay friends... 'partner'... 'life-partner'... what a bunch of bullshit. Love is love. Just let people get married and mind your own fuckin business. I'll have to come up with something though, cuz 'partner' is SO not working for me. His idiot ex refers to me as his 'sugar mama'.... if she only knew! Heeeelarious!!!
He's actually meeting with her right now to drop off Jayden for the weekend. She's supposed to come down to get Leilei after school tomorrow, but we'll see if that happens. I hope for Leighanna's sake that it does. Here's a hint that this chick is a bonafide MORON. She has continued to remain 'facebook friends' with Finn's mom. Not really a good idea if you're going to be out getting hammered and whoring it up every night, and then posting the details and pictures on FB. Let's just say that when his mom called the other day with this info, Finn was LESS than pleased. He and Krissy had a lil chat, and the plan for this weekend was born. She hasn't had them for a full 24 hours anytime in recent memory. We'll see how long it is before she calls and says she's had enough.
Time to feed the monkey butts. Later.
S
I have to give a HUGE shout out to my ToJo... I read your post last night and laughed out loud. SEVERAL times. Finn will be so pleased to know that his lovely descriptive phrase 'cum bubble' stuck with you. :0) In any case, I was in desperate need of a laugh, so thanks girl. Interesting that you brought up the domestic partnership thing. I actually researched it a bit during Christmas break. There's another thing called a civil union that I was reading about too. Now don't go gettin' all of your undies in a wad... we're not getting married, but it's certainly something we've talked about. I know that my mudda will be hugely relieved to know that I CAN'T get married, unless I'm willing to give up my spousal death benefits. It's only $1300 a month, but it's 1300 bucks without which, we cannot survive. My benefits will continue until Rory is 16. Nice, huh? I guess that means I don't have to do any actual parenting between 16 and 18. The laws on the books are fairly vague as to SSI Death Benefits and how they are affected by domestic partnership and civil union. I'd have to ask one of my FIVE attorneys to get clarification if it ever came to that. Finn is such a love... the DAY that I was dropped from my health insurance, he said we should get married so the kids and I could get on his plan. VERY sweet, but I'd like to get married for reasons OTHER than needing insurance.
I also want to remind those of you who might be cringing at the very mention of the M word. Yes, David only died 6 months ago, but he left me more than a year before that. In many ways, for me at least, he died on June 6th of 2009. And no, there's no reason to rush. I just detest calling him my 'boyfriend'. I've had boyfriends, and he is SO much more than that. We have blended our families... we're raising our children together... what do we call that? I certainly feel the pain of my gay friends... 'partner'... 'life-partner'... what a bunch of bullshit. Love is love. Just let people get married and mind your own fuckin business. I'll have to come up with something though, cuz 'partner' is SO not working for me. His idiot ex refers to me as his 'sugar mama'.... if she only knew! Heeeelarious!!!
He's actually meeting with her right now to drop off Jayden for the weekend. She's supposed to come down to get Leilei after school tomorrow, but we'll see if that happens. I hope for Leighanna's sake that it does. Here's a hint that this chick is a bonafide MORON. She has continued to remain 'facebook friends' with Finn's mom. Not really a good idea if you're going to be out getting hammered and whoring it up every night, and then posting the details and pictures on FB. Let's just say that when his mom called the other day with this info, Finn was LESS than pleased. He and Krissy had a lil chat, and the plan for this weekend was born. She hasn't had them for a full 24 hours anytime in recent memory. We'll see how long it is before she calls and says she's had enough.
Time to feed the monkey butts. Later.
S
05 January 2011
And they're back....
The tears.
The churning tummy.
The overwhelming feelings...
... of inadequacy
... of stupidity
... of hopelessness
... of exhaustion
... of sadness
... of frustration
... of anger
... of being held hostage by this situation.
Enough. I've had enough. I've been dodging these grenades and wading through heaps of shit for SIX MONTHS. Wait... I lied. We didn't have to be ready for the estate sale until 2 WHOLE weeks after David died. Two fucking days after his funeral and only one after his Celebration of Life. True, I was mostly a bystander... my incredible girls Miss Lisa, Miss Helen, Miss Jane, Miss Candyce, Miss KK and Auntie Nut were the ones who made that happen. I certainly did my share in the following 2 weeks though, as it became MY job to clean out his disgusting bachelor pad. I STILL don't know how that happened. Oh... stop the presses... yes I do. His worthless, shitbag family hopped a plane back to Florida without even the suggestion that they would help. No... they just picked through all of David's shit, took what they wanted, and left the rest for me. They took a bunch of things. The one that REALLY bothers me is a journal that he wrote in periodically, beginning in 1989. Yeah. That was the year that we met. God... they are fucking SCUM.
The day started with a bunch of confused looks. I didn't even bother to wear my gym clothes, because I KNEW I wasn't going there. So I took the kids to school in my scrubs. Holy fuckin shitballs.... you'd think I was wearing a Nazi uniform or a KKK imperial wizard robe. These people looked at me like I was a fucking alien. I've been a parent at WES for 8 1/2 years... always a stay-at-home mom. Now it's clear that I work. Just another couple scarlet letters on my shirt.... first they were CF for Cancer Family... then DH for Dead Husband... now WS for Workin Stiff, or maybe Worthless Shan. Who knows? Whatever. Yet one more reason for people I've known all these years to look at me like I'm a green eyed monster. Fuck 'em in the neck. (Thanks for that one To... you can see that it has become one of my faves.)
Then I got to the office and worked my ass off, but it wasn't the same as the past couple of days. The fog surrounding me was ever-present... the funk has descended, and even a busy day in the office couldn't keep it at bay. After picking up the kids I got in my bed... in my scrubs... and I cried. I just laid there. For three HOURS, I laid there... not sleeping, just mired in the shit.
I haven't even called my corporate attorney yet. I don't want to. He suggested in his e-mail that he should accompany me to the shareholder's meeting. Why? I KNOW what's going to happen... it's all been laid out for me. Having him there won't change anything, except that I'll be out ANOTHER thousand bucks for having the pleasure of his company. Oh, and the extra bonus? The meeting is being held on one of my workdays... lovely.
I got a new collection notice today. This one is from one of the doctors that saw David in the hospital right before he died. SERIOUSLY???? The dude is DEAD. They KNOW this, but of course it's all about the mighty dollar.
I'm so fucking sick of all of this bullshit that I could just puke. Once again, I was getting to a place of peace... finally able to pray again and focus on the incredible blessings that have come my way of late... and now this. Every time I start to feel like I'm moving forward... maybe getting myself on solid ground... a tsunami hits and knocks me down again.
Fuckin corporate America...
Fuckin death...
FUCKIN CANCER
The churning tummy.
The overwhelming feelings...
... of inadequacy
... of stupidity
... of hopelessness
... of exhaustion
... of sadness
... of frustration
... of anger
... of being held hostage by this situation.
Enough. I've had enough. I've been dodging these grenades and wading through heaps of shit for SIX MONTHS. Wait... I lied. We didn't have to be ready for the estate sale until 2 WHOLE weeks after David died. Two fucking days after his funeral and only one after his Celebration of Life. True, I was mostly a bystander... my incredible girls Miss Lisa, Miss Helen, Miss Jane, Miss Candyce, Miss KK and Auntie Nut were the ones who made that happen. I certainly did my share in the following 2 weeks though, as it became MY job to clean out his disgusting bachelor pad. I STILL don't know how that happened. Oh... stop the presses... yes I do. His worthless, shitbag family hopped a plane back to Florida without even the suggestion that they would help. No... they just picked through all of David's shit, took what they wanted, and left the rest for me. They took a bunch of things. The one that REALLY bothers me is a journal that he wrote in periodically, beginning in 1989. Yeah. That was the year that we met. God... they are fucking SCUM.
The day started with a bunch of confused looks. I didn't even bother to wear my gym clothes, because I KNEW I wasn't going there. So I took the kids to school in my scrubs. Holy fuckin shitballs.... you'd think I was wearing a Nazi uniform or a KKK imperial wizard robe. These people looked at me like I was a fucking alien. I've been a parent at WES for 8 1/2 years... always a stay-at-home mom. Now it's clear that I work. Just another couple scarlet letters on my shirt.... first they were CF for Cancer Family... then DH for Dead Husband... now WS for Workin Stiff, or maybe Worthless Shan. Who knows? Whatever. Yet one more reason for people I've known all these years to look at me like I'm a green eyed monster. Fuck 'em in the neck. (Thanks for that one To... you can see that it has become one of my faves.)
Then I got to the office and worked my ass off, but it wasn't the same as the past couple of days. The fog surrounding me was ever-present... the funk has descended, and even a busy day in the office couldn't keep it at bay. After picking up the kids I got in my bed... in my scrubs... and I cried. I just laid there. For three HOURS, I laid there... not sleeping, just mired in the shit.
I haven't even called my corporate attorney yet. I don't want to. He suggested in his e-mail that he should accompany me to the shareholder's meeting. Why? I KNOW what's going to happen... it's all been laid out for me. Having him there won't change anything, except that I'll be out ANOTHER thousand bucks for having the pleasure of his company. Oh, and the extra bonus? The meeting is being held on one of my workdays... lovely.
I got a new collection notice today. This one is from one of the doctors that saw David in the hospital right before he died. SERIOUSLY???? The dude is DEAD. They KNOW this, but of course it's all about the mighty dollar.
I'm so fucking sick of all of this bullshit that I could just puke. Once again, I was getting to a place of peace... finally able to pray again and focus on the incredible blessings that have come my way of late... and now this. Every time I start to feel like I'm moving forward... maybe getting myself on solid ground... a tsunami hits and knocks me down again.
Fuckin corporate America...
Fuckin death...
FUCKIN CANCER
MotherFUCKER!!!!
I just LOVE that one little e-mail can plunge me back into the depths of hell. I sobbed and sobbed last night.... can't remember the last time I cried like that. The absence of tears has been quite a welcome change. I guess that's over for a while. I was crying for a lot of reasons.... I cried with intense sadness for David. Even with all that has transpired, there are ways in which I still feel very protective of him. Knowing how hard he worked to build that company, and how proud he was of all that they had accomplished... my heart just broke for him. He would be shattered to see it run into the ground like this. Especially at Hank's hands. Knowing that Hank was on board and that he understood David's vision, gave him some peace at the end of his life. I am completely sickened that they all just gave up and have no problem walking away. David had made quite a name for himself and for SDSI in the satellite engineering community. There were a couple of very specific disciplines of which he was one of only two experts on the face of the earth. Seriously. He was very well-known, well-respected, and his genius was in great demand.
I cried over the betrayal by Hank. Yes, he has done some shady things since David died, but I always believed that deep down, he was the man that David and I believed him to be. Not so.
I cried for my boys. David made a lot of mistakes, especially in the final year of his life. But the one place where he reigned supreme and did everything right was in his professional life. The boys were so proud of their dad and were fascinated by the thought recognition software he was developing. He even made plans with the son of his earliest mentor to continue his research. I feel like his legacy has been stolen from them.
And I cried for myself. Though I learned several months ago that there would never be a big cash pay-out because of the way the corporate documents were structured, I had hoped to at LEAST get some help with health insurance. Right now I'm spending $800 a month on just that. I was praying that I would get some relief in that department. Now I know that it's not to be. Ever. And the fact that I'm working now? Big fuckin deal. I only earn enough to pay HALF of that health insurance bill. Kinda makes the whole job thing seem pretty fuckin' pointless.
The only upside to this whole debacle is that my guts have hit the skids once again. Maybe I'll lose a few pounds. Better get going to work. Why? Not exactly sure.
Fuck.
I cried over the betrayal by Hank. Yes, he has done some shady things since David died, but I always believed that deep down, he was the man that David and I believed him to be. Not so.
I cried for my boys. David made a lot of mistakes, especially in the final year of his life. But the one place where he reigned supreme and did everything right was in his professional life. The boys were so proud of their dad and were fascinated by the thought recognition software he was developing. He even made plans with the son of his earliest mentor to continue his research. I feel like his legacy has been stolen from them.
And I cried for myself. Though I learned several months ago that there would never be a big cash pay-out because of the way the corporate documents were structured, I had hoped to at LEAST get some help with health insurance. Right now I'm spending $800 a month on just that. I was praying that I would get some relief in that department. Now I know that it's not to be. Ever. And the fact that I'm working now? Big fuckin deal. I only earn enough to pay HALF of that health insurance bill. Kinda makes the whole job thing seem pretty fuckin' pointless.
The only upside to this whole debacle is that my guts have hit the skids once again. Maybe I'll lose a few pounds. Better get going to work. Why? Not exactly sure.
Fuck.
04 January 2011
BOHICA... Bend Over Here It Comes Again
Well isn't this just a fuckin' laugh riot. I had a great day at work... learned a lot more about scheduling and I'm starting to feel more comfortable with the computer program. It's a beautifully sunny day, though cold and crisp, which is one of my faves. I left the office to head home and get the kiddos off the bus. The fatal error I made was in checking my e-mail. There was a long letter from my corporate attorney. Get THIS... SDSI is closing their doors. Yep. Shutting down permanently. The YEARS and YEARS that David spent doing research, business development, traveling, being away from our family... all of it. Up in smoke. And we will get nothing. Yes, I'm still the majority shareholder and I'm being given the 'opportunity' to attend the shareholder's meeting and vote my shares. However, the documents I received basically state that if the vote doesn't go the way Hank wants it to, he'll simply move the company into bankruptcy. SDSI's attorney even had the balls to include a proxy form fo me to fill out so that Hank can just vote my shares FOR me. Yeah. Right. I am GOING to that meeting and I'm going to FORCE him to look me in the face as he single-handedly dismantles David's dream and takes away any hope we had for a secure financial future for the boys.
I feel physically sick. David started that company in our home.... in the basement room that is now known as the mancave. He built it into a multi-million dollar operation and provided jobs and incredible opportunities for many people. I remember the day I first went to see the suite of offices. It wasn't anything fancy, but it was a REAL office in a REAL office building. We were no longer operating out of the basement... it was a HUGE step. We took the elevator up to the fourth floor. When he turned the key in that door and we walked into the reception area I burst into tears. I was SO proud of him... of US... we had done it.
You know what else I find incredibly distasteful? The documents were signed on December 22nd. They made the decision to destroy what was left of SDSI, and David hadn't even been dead 6 months at that point. Nice. Way to go, Hank. Way to buckle down and take one for the team. It makes me so sad for David. Hank was the father to him in a way that Jim never was. He loved him... respected him... trusted him. I guess it's a good thing he's dead. A betrayal of this magnitude would have broken his heart.
I was still holding out hope that we'd reach SOME kind of settlement... that I would get a small monthly draw or that they'd put us back on their health insurance. At least I don't have to waste anymore energy praying for those things to happen.
It never fuckin' fails.... 2 steps forward and 5 steps back. Fuck.
S
I feel physically sick. David started that company in our home.... in the basement room that is now known as the mancave. He built it into a multi-million dollar operation and provided jobs and incredible opportunities for many people. I remember the day I first went to see the suite of offices. It wasn't anything fancy, but it was a REAL office in a REAL office building. We were no longer operating out of the basement... it was a HUGE step. We took the elevator up to the fourth floor. When he turned the key in that door and we walked into the reception area I burst into tears. I was SO proud of him... of US... we had done it.
You know what else I find incredibly distasteful? The documents were signed on December 22nd. They made the decision to destroy what was left of SDSI, and David hadn't even been dead 6 months at that point. Nice. Way to go, Hank. Way to buckle down and take one for the team. It makes me so sad for David. Hank was the father to him in a way that Jim never was. He loved him... respected him... trusted him. I guess it's a good thing he's dead. A betrayal of this magnitude would have broken his heart.
I was still holding out hope that we'd reach SOME kind of settlement... that I would get a small monthly draw or that they'd put us back on their health insurance. At least I don't have to waste anymore energy praying for those things to happen.
It never fuckin' fails.... 2 steps forward and 5 steps back. Fuck.
S
Day 2 As a Workin' Stiff...
Scrubbin' it!!!
Good morning doodle bugs. Happy now? A pic of me in my scrubs. Not the greatest shot... had to rely on Rory at 7 a.m. :0) I'm not nearly as nervous today, though I know I'm going to have to start scheduling appointments, & that's scary! Me no want to fuck up!!! Thanks again for all of the love.... I really do appreciate it. It would be FAB if everything was just lookin' up... yes, I'm moving in the right direction in many ways, but the death biz is no where NEAR being over. I got a lovely letter from the IRS yesterday.... it seems they don't appreciate it when your idiot husband doesn't file taxes for 3 years. And they could give a fat fuck that the moron is dead. They want my ass and they want it NOW. Awesome. That's one I can't WAIT to tackle. Eew. I'm also still trying to complete my application for the Loan Modification Program. You'd think they send you a list of what they need, you fax it over and that's that, right? Not quite that simple. There are at least elevendy billion people and institutions that I have to contact, and actually obtaining the required info is no easy feat. Case in point... even for things as stupid as the tv and power companies, it took until NOVEMBER for them to send me my bills. I went to them in person.... I called on the phone... I provided them with all of the documentation they needed, and they STILL wouldn't even release my own billing info to me. Asshats.
Please say a prayer for my lil Rory.... he is having SUCH a hard time missing his Daddy. So sad... so many tears... the poor munchkin. I HATE that he has to suffer through this shit. Fuckin' cancer.
Gots to go. Wish me luck for day #2.
Smooches!
S
***FYI... I would LOVE to change the address of this site from the justus3 thing, but there's really no way to do that. I started trying to get this thing up last August, so that's when I set up the address. Oh well!
Oh yeah.... I rocked it yesterday...
Feelin' pretty good about myself right now. :0)
I did it!!!
03 January 2011
Yeah.... I rocked that bitch!
Well hello my noodlie doodlies. Before I regale you with tales of the MOST spectacular new dental office assistant on the eastern seaboard... read: MOI... I have to mention something FAR more important... my fabulous, thoughtful, amazing and wonderful Finn. How much time have you got??? He had to stay home with the wee one today, but that didn't slow him down. Evidently, they ventured out for a few things. I came home from my first day of work to a house filled with wonderful smells. He was cooking dinner. And not the Costco shiz I had picked up yesterday... no... he was making some sort of chicken soup FROM SCRATCH!!!! I don't think you quite understand what something like that means in my world. It was a serious 'holy fuckballs' moment. Yes, he cooks often, which is something I always appreciate. But the trouble that he went to, just to make something special for today... talk about being gobsmacked. Add to that, this beautiful man brought me a gorgeous potted hyacinth, in pink... natch. I slept all of about 4 minutes last night because of the anxiety leading up to today, so he even wrangled all 4 kiddos and helped with homework so I could go lay down for a while. All this AS he prepared dinner. DAYUM!!!! I luvvves him HAWWWWWARD!!!!! (That's one of my favorite Finn-isms, by the way... 'I love you so HAWWWWRD girl!') Methinks he's a keeper. :0)
So the job.... what's to tell really? I'm not curing cancer or doing anything that's going to change the world... I'm a glorified receptionist. Whatever. It WAS actually kind of fun. I spend the majority of my time on the phone, which I'm sure you have gathered is NO problem for me. I also have other things to do around the office like replacing the files of patients that were in that day, pulling charts for the next day's appointments, printing out the latest info on each patient so the doc can do a once-over before they arrive, and prepping the schedules for each provider and operatory for the next day. I DO think that Val, the office manager, was impressed with my ability to multi-task, and she certainly noticed that she didn't have to ASK me to do any of those routine things... I just made 'em happen. I had many questions, mostly about the scheduling of appointments. It's SUCH a clusterfuck to decipher the daily schedule that I'm not even setting appointments for the doctor yet... just the hygenists. He's a 'restorative dentist', which means he does things like veneers, bridges, posts, etc., and each procedure takes a different amount of time. It'll take me a bit to learn the procedure codes and the timelines. Val is really the only one I work with and she's very easy-going, sweet and funny. She was also very receptive to all of my questions and totally gets that there is a learning curve with this job. Everyone else in the office made their way over at some point to welcome me and tell me how happy they were to have me there. They defintely made me feel at home.
There are certainly growth opportunities there. Dr. Repole is totally old-school and doesn't like digital photography. That means there is a lot of film to develop and they have their own darkroom. I don't know if many of you realize this, but photography was a passion of mine for many years. I even took a lot of photography classes while in college. Now, with everything being digital, it's nearly impossible to get your hands dirty in an actual darkroom, so I'm DEFINITELY looking forward to that. They are also happy to train me in dental assisting, should that be something I 'd like to try. We'll see. The good news is that there are some open doors that could possibly lead somewhere down the line. For now, I think I'll concentrate on mastering all of those fucking codes!!!
Gotta scram... took Reilly over to Woodgrove so he could watch the freshman and jv basketball games tonight. Now I have to go back to pick his ass up. I really wanted to do it for him though, since he's been so pleasant of late. Trying to kill him with kindness!!!
Thanks for all of the love and support today. I know you guys have REAL jobs and have been working every day for ages, but his is all new to me. Having you in my cheering section means everything to me. :0)
I luvvves my peeps HAWWWWARD!!!!!
xoxo
S
So the job.... what's to tell really? I'm not curing cancer or doing anything that's going to change the world... I'm a glorified receptionist. Whatever. It WAS actually kind of fun. I spend the majority of my time on the phone, which I'm sure you have gathered is NO problem for me. I also have other things to do around the office like replacing the files of patients that were in that day, pulling charts for the next day's appointments, printing out the latest info on each patient so the doc can do a once-over before they arrive, and prepping the schedules for each provider and operatory for the next day. I DO think that Val, the office manager, was impressed with my ability to multi-task, and she certainly noticed that she didn't have to ASK me to do any of those routine things... I just made 'em happen. I had many questions, mostly about the scheduling of appointments. It's SUCH a clusterfuck to decipher the daily schedule that I'm not even setting appointments for the doctor yet... just the hygenists. He's a 'restorative dentist', which means he does things like veneers, bridges, posts, etc., and each procedure takes a different amount of time. It'll take me a bit to learn the procedure codes and the timelines. Val is really the only one I work with and she's very easy-going, sweet and funny. She was also very receptive to all of my questions and totally gets that there is a learning curve with this job. Everyone else in the office made their way over at some point to welcome me and tell me how happy they were to have me there. They defintely made me feel at home.
There are certainly growth opportunities there. Dr. Repole is totally old-school and doesn't like digital photography. That means there is a lot of film to develop and they have their own darkroom. I don't know if many of you realize this, but photography was a passion of mine for many years. I even took a lot of photography classes while in college. Now, with everything being digital, it's nearly impossible to get your hands dirty in an actual darkroom, so I'm DEFINITELY looking forward to that. They are also happy to train me in dental assisting, should that be something I 'd like to try. We'll see. The good news is that there are some open doors that could possibly lead somewhere down the line. For now, I think I'll concentrate on mastering all of those fucking codes!!!
Gotta scram... took Reilly over to Woodgrove so he could watch the freshman and jv basketball games tonight. Now I have to go back to pick his ass up. I really wanted to do it for him though, since he's been so pleasant of late. Trying to kill him with kindness!!!
Thanks for all of the love and support today. I know you guys have REAL jobs and have been working every day for ages, but his is all new to me. Having you in my cheering section means everything to me. :0)
I luvvves my peeps HAWWWWARD!!!!!
xoxo
S
The day has arrived....
So today's the day... I begin my job in earnest, in T minus 1 hour and 20 minutes. Already, an epic fail on my part.... not going to the club as originally planned. My guts are in a twist and I got a mere wink or two of sleep last night. Oh well... I guess I can't expect to do it all on the first day. At least I planned ahead yesterday and hit Costco... dinner for tonight is handled. :0)
All of the kids were excited to get back to school today... even Reilly!!! They're all so cute... so much chatter with their friends about what they got for Christmas, the fun things that they did, etc. Oh, to be 7 again! And of course, the fact that Rory turned 7 during the break was a topic of much discussion. :0) I know I've told you what a rough time Rory's been having... I think getting back to school will be great for him. Mrs. Gryniuk is such a love and his friends are very sensitive and sweet to him. I sure do luvvvvves that lil peanut. There are still rough times ahead, to be sure, but I think he's gonna be okay. Reilly's been in a particularly pleasant mood for the past week or so.... I would LOVE for that to continue. It's startling how much more smoothly things go at home when he's not acting like a neanderthal.
I'm sorry so many of you are having difficulty getting this site to work for you. I wish I knew what to tell you... it's supposed to be supremely easy to use. To those of you who have figured it out, maybe someone could post step by step directions on the CB site. I did specifically add a widget near the bottom of the page that says "Subscribe to Shan's Entries". As for the swimming fishies, it's just a goofy little widget I added for fun. You can click on the background to feed them, and watch them swarm to eat. Silly, but made me smile.
I guess that's it for now. Please send me some positive, calming vibes so I don't end up puking in the office on my first day. Now that would be classy!
Mucho love to you all....
S
"Be faithful in small things, because it is in them that your strength lies."
-Mother Theresa
"We would never learn to be brave and patient if there were only joy in the world."
-Helen Keller
"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish he didn't trust me so much."
-Mother Theresa
Almost time to go to work... I'm SKEEEERED!!!
02 January 2011
You suck giant donkey balls...
And I mean that in the NICEST possible way. But seriously folks... now up to 987 views and only a measely 14 followers???? Puhllllleeeeeez!!!! You can even make up a fake profile name. Don't worry... Big Brother won't come and getcha because you read my lil ol' blog!!!
Mamasan safely on the airplane.... kiddos snug in their beds... all of my shiz ready to go for tomorrow... now all I have to do is wait and worry!!! It'll only be the first week or two that'll be rough... lots o' shit to learn... after that, I have NO DOUBT that I'll fuckin' ROCK that bitch. I just hope I don't fuck up too badly in the interim!
My plan is to take the first graders to school, hit the club and THEN go to work. If I actually STICK to that plan, I'll be mighty pleased with myself. I think my Finn is making me a wee bit TOO happy, cuz I'm starting to get a little jiggly again. NOT good.... me NO likey!!! Why can't I be happy AND thin??? What the fuck is THAT about??? It's either fat and happy, or thin and on the verge of eating a bullet. At least my butt still looks good... it's the ol tummy that's showing the pudge. Ugh... gross. Katy and I have been meeting each other at the club first thing in the morning as often as possible, but it's not enough. I seem to find reasons NOT to go if I know she's not going to be waiting for me. DAMN her for working her arse off to become Northern Virginia's MOST fabulous insurance magnate!!! By the way Miss KK, I need ALL puppy deets IMMEDIATELY!!!! The pictures were positively precious. I would have LOVED to have had some snuggle time with those wee ones. :0)
Only 12 hours until I'll be at work... let the thumb twiddling and toe tapping commence. Wish me luck!
xoxo
S
"Nothing is so strong as gentleness, and nothing is so gentle as true strength."
-St. Francis De Sales
Mamasan safely on the airplane.... kiddos snug in their beds... all of my shiz ready to go for tomorrow... now all I have to do is wait and worry!!! It'll only be the first week or two that'll be rough... lots o' shit to learn... after that, I have NO DOUBT that I'll fuckin' ROCK that bitch. I just hope I don't fuck up too badly in the interim!
My plan is to take the first graders to school, hit the club and THEN go to work. If I actually STICK to that plan, I'll be mighty pleased with myself. I think my Finn is making me a wee bit TOO happy, cuz I'm starting to get a little jiggly again. NOT good.... me NO likey!!! Why can't I be happy AND thin??? What the fuck is THAT about??? It's either fat and happy, or thin and on the verge of eating a bullet. At least my butt still looks good... it's the ol tummy that's showing the pudge. Ugh... gross. Katy and I have been meeting each other at the club first thing in the morning as often as possible, but it's not enough. I seem to find reasons NOT to go if I know she's not going to be waiting for me. DAMN her for working her arse off to become Northern Virginia's MOST fabulous insurance magnate!!! By the way Miss KK, I need ALL puppy deets IMMEDIATELY!!!! The pictures were positively precious. I would have LOVED to have had some snuggle time with those wee ones. :0)
Only 12 hours until I'll be at work... let the thumb twiddling and toe tapping commence. Wish me luck!
xoxo
S
"Nothing is so strong as gentleness, and nothing is so gentle as true strength."
-St. Francis De Sales
Hmmmm....
809 page views so far, and yet only 13 registered followers. Verrrrrry interesting. Get with it peeps!!!
:0)
:0)
And so it begins....
Hey monkeys.... yes, I realize that it's the 2nd, so the New Year actually began yesterday, but my New Year really begins tomorrow. Yep.... starting my job. I'm not feeling much about it at the moment, but I'm fairly certain that I'll be nervous as a tick come tomorrow morning. It's not like I'll be doing neuro surgery... it's just a matter of learning how the office runs and getting comfortable enough so that I don't have to ask questions every 30 seconds. I have a fairly large desk... forgot to ask if I'm allowed to bring in personal items. It's a pretty stark area, so I'm hoping I can at least have a couple of pics.
Yesterday was definitely the best New Year's Day in my recent memory. We all stayed in our jammies for the entire day. I never get tired of jammie days. :0) We watched Freaky Friday with the kids... the remake, though I love the original too... everyone took naps... probably the best part of the day for me. Snoozing tangled up with my sweet Finn.... it doesn't get much better than that. I made a ginormous batch of hot crab and artichoke dip. Crab dip is one of Finn's all-time faves and I was hoping he would love it. He did NOT. Boooooo!!!! He liked it, but he's a spicy guy... the hotter the better... and mine is not a spicy recipe. The other problem is that the moron is from Maryland. Why does that matter, you ask? Because these mid-atlantic native bozos have been raised on blue crabs. FYI... blue crabs taste like SHIT!!!! Hellloooooo.... the ONLY acceptable crab is Alaskan King Crab!!! That shit ROCKS!!! I'm sure I'm gettin' your dander up if you're a blue crab lover. Boo fuckin hoo. All I can tell you is that your taste buds are BROKEN if you like that crap. Yep... I said it! Deal with it!!!
The other bonus of the past few days is that the boys have been getting along beautifully. When they don't, it's generally Reilly's fault. That may sound harsh, but it's true. It continues to boggle my mind that with 8 years between them, he regularly finds ways to tease and torture his brother. It doesn't help that Rory is particularly fragile right now... very clingy, often weepy... Reilly sees that and goes right for his jugular. What a butt plug. I'm working really hard to help him through the clingy and weepy episodes.... he needs CONSTANT reassurance that I love him... hugs, kisses, rocking together in his rocking chair, having serious seperation anxiety, etc. The thing I'm trying NOT to indulge though, is the ridonculous case of the whineys he's got right now. I know it's all part of his grieving process, but I don't want him to get into a pattern where that becomes his way of dealing with things. It's alot like dealing with Reilly when he's being a complete asshole. 'My dad died, I'm pissed'.... boo hoo. Again, he needs to be allowed to experience all of the feelings that he's having, but he doesn't get a free pass to be a dick. And lemme tell ya.... it's a fine line to walk. It's fucking exhausting!!! Have I mentioned how desperately I miss my support group???? My girl Laura has talked to Jenny (the social worker who moderates the kids' grief groups) about putting together a support group for the parents through Life With Cancer. Holy fuckballs... that would be FABULOUS. It's so incredibly helaing to learn that you are not alone in your struggle to parent your children through their grief. We've started a little impromptu support group... we share and vent while the kids are in group... but having a moderator would help immensely.
I think I need to do some planning tonight.... get my ducks in a row as far as meals are concerned, etc. I know I'm not going to be working full-time, but it's still going to be a transition for me. And it kinda blows that I'm starting on the kids' first day back to school. Getting back into that routine always sucks donkey balls on it's own... now I have to add in getting my shiz ready for work. Eew. But hey, I am SUPREMELY thankful that I finally GOT a job, and I'm thrilled that I get to wear scrubs. Professional attire would SO not work for me... pantyhose are against my religion! I think the last time I actually wore hose was when I was in Wendi's wedding. I think that was in November of 1994!!!
I'm off to Costco to get some groceries for the week. I'm all by my lonesome and I DO love hittin' the Costco on my own. The only thing I would like more, would be to be out and about with my Finn. He makes everything fun... what a goofball. Me luvvvvvves him. :0) Enjoy the last day of break.
xoxo
S
"Let joy keep you. Reach out your hands and catch it when it runs by".
-Carl Sandburg
Yesterday was definitely the best New Year's Day in my recent memory. We all stayed in our jammies for the entire day. I never get tired of jammie days. :0) We watched Freaky Friday with the kids... the remake, though I love the original too... everyone took naps... probably the best part of the day for me. Snoozing tangled up with my sweet Finn.... it doesn't get much better than that. I made a ginormous batch of hot crab and artichoke dip. Crab dip is one of Finn's all-time faves and I was hoping he would love it. He did NOT. Boooooo!!!! He liked it, but he's a spicy guy... the hotter the better... and mine is not a spicy recipe. The other problem is that the moron is from Maryland. Why does that matter, you ask? Because these mid-atlantic native bozos have been raised on blue crabs. FYI... blue crabs taste like SHIT!!!! Hellloooooo.... the ONLY acceptable crab is Alaskan King Crab!!! That shit ROCKS!!! I'm sure I'm gettin' your dander up if you're a blue crab lover. Boo fuckin hoo. All I can tell you is that your taste buds are BROKEN if you like that crap. Yep... I said it! Deal with it!!!
The other bonus of the past few days is that the boys have been getting along beautifully. When they don't, it's generally Reilly's fault. That may sound harsh, but it's true. It continues to boggle my mind that with 8 years between them, he regularly finds ways to tease and torture his brother. It doesn't help that Rory is particularly fragile right now... very clingy, often weepy... Reilly sees that and goes right for his jugular. What a butt plug. I'm working really hard to help him through the clingy and weepy episodes.... he needs CONSTANT reassurance that I love him... hugs, kisses, rocking together in his rocking chair, having serious seperation anxiety, etc. The thing I'm trying NOT to indulge though, is the ridonculous case of the whineys he's got right now. I know it's all part of his grieving process, but I don't want him to get into a pattern where that becomes his way of dealing with things. It's alot like dealing with Reilly when he's being a complete asshole. 'My dad died, I'm pissed'.... boo hoo. Again, he needs to be allowed to experience all of the feelings that he's having, but he doesn't get a free pass to be a dick. And lemme tell ya.... it's a fine line to walk. It's fucking exhausting!!! Have I mentioned how desperately I miss my support group???? My girl Laura has talked to Jenny (the social worker who moderates the kids' grief groups) about putting together a support group for the parents through Life With Cancer. Holy fuckballs... that would be FABULOUS. It's so incredibly helaing to learn that you are not alone in your struggle to parent your children through their grief. We've started a little impromptu support group... we share and vent while the kids are in group... but having a moderator would help immensely.
I think I need to do some planning tonight.... get my ducks in a row as far as meals are concerned, etc. I know I'm not going to be working full-time, but it's still going to be a transition for me. And it kinda blows that I'm starting on the kids' first day back to school. Getting back into that routine always sucks donkey balls on it's own... now I have to add in getting my shiz ready for work. Eew. But hey, I am SUPREMELY thankful that I finally GOT a job, and I'm thrilled that I get to wear scrubs. Professional attire would SO not work for me... pantyhose are against my religion! I think the last time I actually wore hose was when I was in Wendi's wedding. I think that was in November of 1994!!!
I'm off to Costco to get some groceries for the week. I'm all by my lonesome and I DO love hittin' the Costco on my own. The only thing I would like more, would be to be out and about with my Finn. He makes everything fun... what a goofball. Me luvvvvvves him. :0) Enjoy the last day of break.
xoxo
S
"Let joy keep you. Reach out your hands and catch it when it runs by".
-Carl Sandburg
With my birthday boy. :0)
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