On The Road to My New Life: 2011-04-03

Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

09 April 2011

:(

Sorry to have left you hangin'... though I'm not sure anyone noticed. Can't write... feeling completely overwhelmed by my world again. Everything I pushed aside to focus on the race is right where I left it. I'm financially fucked, completely disheartened about not finding a job, terrified of the creditors who wont stop calling and writing, exhausted by the continuing tidal waves of grief that threaten to sweep the boys away, and pretty emotionally battered. Please pray for me.

S

06 April 2011

Good Morning

Hey monkeys... I'm finally back at the club. Just taking it easy today though, as my joints are still fairly sore. I think I'll stick with the bike & a few weights. To answer your question To, yes, I think I want to do another 10k. :0) I'd like to do one fairly soon, but the heat/humidity and I are NOT friends. There's no way I could have done that run if it had been hot out. The weather was absolutely PERFECT on Saturday... just chilly enough that I warmed up, but didn't overheat. So I'll probably have to wait until the fall to do another one. And I don't plan to do any others that are fundraisers... I don't feel the need to beg for money for the save the shit head foundation. Nope... we'd like to make the CZC run an annual family event, so I'll save my pleas for donations for that. ;-)

Reilly & Taylor are all hopped up to do a couple more races. There's a Marine one in Quantico called the Mud Run. Yeah... I've seen pictures... nasty!!! We're talkin mud from head to toe, ear to ear & every crevice in between. SO not my gig!!! It looks like fun for them though.... it's a 10k, but during the run you also have to complete a challenge course. Very cool. I need to get the info & make a plan.

It looks like Reilly may be going on a fab spring break trip afterall... Taylor's mom lives in a beach house ON Virginia Beach, and has invited the crew to spend the week there. Cool! I will, one again, be having a stay-cation. Whatevs...

BIG lacrosse game tonight... Woodgrove vs Valley, our hometown rivals. I hope our guys can pull together as a team like they did so beautifully a couple weeks ago. Fingers crossed!!!

I have more to tell you about our awesome weekend, but I'm gonna wait til I'm on my laptop. Doing these entries on my phone takes a while. Have a happy day.

:0)
S

04 April 2011

Pain, pain, go away!!!

Howwwww deeeee! Holy fuckin' shitballs... Jesus, Mary & Joseph... and FUCK!!!! I am in so much pain, I can't even tell you!!! Yes, I work out regularly, but I'll tell you what... running is an ENTIRELY different animal. My joints, my legs... OUCH! Seriously, the race was a couple days ago & I'm still walking like I have a giant stick lodged firmly in my ass. It's NOT pretty! Thank God for David's pre-paids at Massage Envy... I have an appointment in 90 minutes!!!

Hittin' da road!

What a brilliant, amazing, incredible, SPECTACULAR weekend we had. The fun started on Thursday night, when Patrick, Lexie & Taylor came to spend the night. The boys decided they needed faux hawks for the run, and Reilly somehow became the stylist. Heeeelarious. We laughed 'til we cried, and they actually ended up looking pretty cool. In the morning, all of the kids walked the dogs up to the kennel. It was SO cute. If you haven't looked at the Shutterfly pics yet, get on it! We ended up leaving a little later than planned, but it was no big deal. We didn't have a schedule, so we just meandered our way down there. My sweet Finn drove, thank God, and we stopped at some point, grabbed sandwiches and had a car picnic.

Our first stop in Richmond was the CZC National HQ office to pick up our race day shirts. We knew they'd be closed, so we had made a plan with someone from CZC to hide the shirts in a bag underneath the big CZC trailer. Great idea! We snagged our shirts and were on our way.

Sneaky sneaky!!! Hid our shirts under this trailer.

The next stop was the sports expo to check in, pick up our race bibs and collect a bunch of freebies. :0) There were tons of vendors giving away goodies & we each got our fill of free t-shirts, bags & various other shiz. I also found the perfect pink fanny pack for race day... just big enough for my phone & camera. Sweet! After that, we were off to the hotel. It was only about 15 minutes from the stadium and it's in the Short Pump area which is darling. It's all brand new, and every store and restaurant you can imagine is within walking distance of the hotel. I think we were there about 10 minutes when the kids decided to hit the pool. Yep... awesome indoor pool & jacuzzi... bonus!!! They spent hours having fun in the water.

Crazy boyz.

Rory & Lexie Bleu

Nice!!!

I think I mentioned that some of my favorite peeps... The Wilsons, aka KK, J-man & Gabster... joined our team for the race. Super bonus... we all met for dinner at California Pizza Kitchen. :0) And even better for Rei, his friend Amanda joined us too. She was in his Healing Circle at camp and they really bonded. She only lives a couple minutes from where we stayed, so her mom brought her over. We had a great dinner... lots of chatter... very noisy... really fun. Special thanks to my mamasan for treating us to that yummy dinner. :0)

By the time we got back to the hotel, our crew had grown by one... Amanda came to stay with us too! She was originally signed up for the race, but had an emergency appendectomy a couple weeks ago and had to pull out. Finn was aghast that her mom left her with us. He said... "so this mom, who doesn't even know you, just left her daughter to stay in a hotel room with a bunch of teenagers????" I laughed and had to explain that it's a 'Comfort Zone' thing... there is an unspoken bond of trust and understanding between us. She knew her child would be safe with me, and of course, she was.

6 a.m. came mighty early, but we all got up and out and on the road by 6:45. Those were some tired kiddos!

SLEEPYHEADS!!!

We found our way downtown, parked and headed to the kids' 1 mile starting line. It was pretty chilly, but the rain held of... yahooo! Rory was SO excited and he ended up actually running for the entire mile!!! Reilly and Taylor ran right along with him... about the cutest thing I've ever seen. Finn & I found a good spot and cracked out the posters and cowbell, cheering like crazy as they ran by.

GO RORY!!!!!

He got an awesome medal!!!

After Rory's run, we split up from the teens so we could get Rory to the CZC Cheer Zone. The bad news??? It was a TWO MILE walk up Monument Avenue to get there. Aaagghhhh!!!! Unfortunately, my childcare plans for him fell through & I had no one to watch him during the race. Being a FANTASTIC team player, my Finn stayed with Rory in the Cheer Zone so I could run the race. I hated to do that to him, but I felt an immense responsibility to all of the donors to actually do the 10k. More bad news??? I had to hoof it back those 2 miles to the starting line. Shit!!! Time was a' tickin' and I was worried that I'd miss my wave. It was set to begin at 9:59 and I still had a way to go. Then, as I'm scurrying down Monument as quickly as I can, a girl who was running tripped, fell and had a seizure on the sidewalk right in front of me. It was terrifying. She had a friend with her and a few of us stopped to help. We called 911 and I found a race marshall, but I had to get moving to the start. I made it just in time to join in with the final wave. The only bummer about that was that I was on my own. :( KK, Gabby & I had planned to do it together, but I got held up too long & they had to go. It was a GIANT clusterfuck at the start... everyone packed in like sardines... and the final wave is all walkers, wheelchairs, strollers, etc., so it took me a good 10 minutes to get through the crowd and break away so I could actually run. One really cool thing is that they have all participants put this special tag on their shoes. It's magnetized, so when you cross the start & the finish, it records your exact time.

I finally got moving, but was still having to do a lot of weaving in and out of the walkers and wheelchairs. There's a grassy median all the way down Monument Ave., and a lot of people hop up there to pass the walkers. I'd been running about 5 minutes and was up on the grass when I prompty tripped, twisted my ankle and fell on my face. Nice. What a jack-ass. No worries... I got right back up and powered through it. I don't think I ever really ran, but I did jog the entire time... no walking!!! Though I was initially sad that I was alone, it ended up being a truly moving and profound experience for me. I couldn't believe I was actually doing it, and I was feeling pretty proud of myself. There were so many people lining the course cheering and offering words of encouragement... it was really cool. I truly felt like David was with me, and I think he was pretty proud of me too. :0) Seeing the sign that said "Final 400 meters" was DAMN fabulous. As I crossed the finish line, they even called my name! "And here comes Shannon Streight of Lovettsville!!!" None of my peeps were around to hear it, but it sure as fuck made me smile. I know a bazillion people do those 10k's every day, but for me.... it was a HUGE accomplishment. Yep... still feeling pretty good about it. :0)

With our lovin' Wilsons :0)

World's coolest teen crew.

SO much more to tell you, but I will NOT be late for my massage!!!! Go see the pics on Shutterfly. I LOVE when people comment on them, so post comments there if you like. :0)

Mucho love & smooches...

03 April 2011

We're home!!!!

Hello my lovin' peeps! I don't have the energy to write about our fabulous weekend, as I've just spent almost 3 hours editing and posting the photos. Go check 'em out at Shutterfly, and just know that we had a SPECTACULAR experience!!!! I promise to fill you in tomorrow!

xoxo
S