Sorry to have left you hangin'... though I'm not sure anyone noticed. Can't write... feeling completely overwhelmed by my world again. Everything I pushed aside to focus on the race is right where I left it. I'm financially fucked, completely disheartened about not finding a job, terrified of the creditors who wont stop calling and writing, exhausted by the continuing tidal waves of grief that threaten to sweep the boys away, and pretty emotionally battered. Please pray for me.
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
Praying. I wish you were out here. Cook's daughter is getting married Saturday in Smell. A. And I don't have anybody I trust to watch Heidi and Spencer. I hate Cook to have to go by herself. And the beat goes on. Miss your posts..........hope you are feeling better soon. T.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry the funk has returned. I wish I could help in some way. But know I am thinking and praying for you and your family.xoxo
ReplyDeleteHey Honey....Sorry "I" have been AWOL too.
ReplyDelete~~~~~~~~~~
Don't think about what is bad that is going on in your life. The good outweighs the bad.
I don't want to give you any unwanted, uneducated financial advice.....There has to be an advocate program for people in your position.
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What is most important?
#1 ~ Family, Health & Pets
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#2 ~ Everything else...
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Pick your battles. One battle at a time, you win the war.
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If you are healthy and your family is healthy, you are strong and you can get through this financial shiz.
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Spring is your favorite season. Get out there and enjoy it.
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I love you pumpkin...
xoxox
~AN~
Always have you in prayer sweetheart.
ReplyDeleteI do notice. I check the blog daily most days now when I log in for work now.
Don't be disheartened by the lack of job finding success. It is a tough market for everyone. We lost that business with the crazy lebonese money launderers and guess what??? I am getting laid off end of the month because of the lack of work. Never mind that finally the office secretary does not have piles and piles of crapola waiting for attention or that any request for info can be instantly found because I have filed it - Can you imagine the simplicity of going to any file and finding what you are looking for???? Mein Gott!!! who da figured. The fantasha thing is that Frat boy boss man has not made the mental link that it is because of me that the shit is together. When I am gone - shit is going to pile up business as usual. But come the 30th no more hours for me! It totally sucks to do a good job and have it not pay off at all - meanwhile - This guy who says he is hiring me - told my entire stinking office without telling me that I was coming to work for him and by the by no offer or talk of my pay rate. Well he is hemming and hawing about a start date so basically I am screwed. Had he not announced it to the entire office, I may still have had a job and the lame girl may have been handed walking papers for inefficiency. CRAP!
AOT
Spunky