Friday.....

Yo nimbobs... thanks for all of the kudos regarding going back to school, but I guarantee you it has NOTHING to do with 'guts'. This is pure desperation, people. It has become crystal clear to me as I've searched for a job, lo these many months... that I will NEVER be able to support my family if I don't get some sort of education to help me out.  In 3 years, Reilly's social security benefits are taken away... a few years later, mine will be gone, and then Rory's when he's 18. I had to go and fall in love with a fuckin' blue collar redneck instead of gettin' myself a sugar daddy. Well shit. That wasn't a very well thought out plan, was it??? I'm almost positive it will take me longer than the 3 years this whole thing is supposed to take. One year for the pre-requisites, and two more for the nursing program. The problem is that they suggest you DO NOT work during the RN program because it is so rigorous and time consuming. Fuck! If you think I have the tiniest clue as to how we will survive financially if I actually see this thing through, then you are dead wrong. I don't know how I'm going to handle these 2 classes in the summer... don't even get me started thinking about doing during the school year... sports, support groups, class projects... all of it. I'm scared out of my mind. 


I mean, shit. As it is now, I'm barely keeping my head above water, and I don't have a job. I'm taking dogs out at midnight and folding laundry or doing dishes at 2 a.m. I don't have time to sit down... when, exactly, am I supposed to study??? Ugh. I'm starting to give myself a tummy ache. 


We all went to the lacrosse end-of-season party tonight. It was a bbq at one of the lax family's spectacular home. It was supposed to thunderstorm all afternoon and evening, but it ended up being absolutely beautiful. The couple of people I am friendly with weren't there, so that was kind of a bummer. The good news is that they had a trampoline... the 3 little kids had a BLAST. 

 3 nerdlies. 

My dude gettin' some serious air.

The kids jumped for HOURS... pretty sure they'll sleep soundly tonight. =) I think I mentioned that we've been having crazy rain.... I mean weeks of it... flooding everywhere. Last night Rory had his final grief group for the school year and Reilly was at work, so Finn took the little ones to Harper's Ferry, just for fun. Do you remember this picture?

Right where he was laying is now under 12 feet of water. Can you believe that??? The river isn't supposed to crest until tomorrow night, but they're saying that it will be above these train tracks:

You could say that's going to cause a wee problem in Harper's Ferry... yikes! Guess I'd better hit it... soccer game at noon tomorrow in Purcellville. FYI... Reilly TOTALLY loved his first shift at VIP yesterday. I think he's going to do really well there. More good news? The manager Zane told him it will be easy for him to pick up extra shifts. He said that people are always wanting to leave early, come about 3:30, so Rei should make a habit of walking up there to see if he can relieve someone. Sweet! Hope you enjoy the weekend. Nite nite.

S

Ohhhhhh shit

I don't even want to talk about the loan mod shit from my last post. Makes my tummy hurt just thinking about it. Ugh. Toni... is June really Gay Pride Month? I had no idea. I may not be gay, but I have no problem showing gay pride!!! I have always wanted to go to the Pride Parade in San Francisco... it looks like a fuckin' blast. I remember being home at my mom's a few years ago, and they were televising it. I don't wanna say that Virginia is conservative or anything.... but they'd NEVER show that on tv here!!!! Fuckin' stupid if you ask me. Fuck 'em in the neck... one day I'll  be there cheering in PERSON!!! Sorry to hear that Cook needs surgery... eew... hope all goes well and that she's back in business asap. Give her a hug from me. :0) 


Saw the counselor this morning. Damn... I SO lucked out with this woman... she is AMAZING. First of all, she's a social worker & I think they're a special breed. And her knowledge of the courses, the professors, etc., is mind boggling. Seriously... she was hand-picking courses for me based on who's teaching that particular section. I have such a good vibe with her that I totally trust her guidance. Well, except for the fact that she had me enroll in TWO 3 credit condensed courses this summer... whuaaaa????? What in the HELL makes her think I can do THAT??? Classes begin on June 28th and run through August 8th. Talk about wham-bam. I'll have psych on Mondays and Wednesdays from 9:30 am to noon, and English on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 6:30 -10 PM... eew! Good thing my mamasan will be here for a few weeks of that... like it or not, she'll be helping with the kiddos when I have morning classes. Sorry mama!!! Then when she goes home, it'll be Reilly's turn. Yep. This back-to-school shit is going to have to be a whole-family effort. We've got my fall & spring classes picked out too... it's gonna be wicked. Each semester, one of the classes will be a 1 credit course that I can take online... cool. But the OTHERS are the 2 BIG KAHUNA'S that I need to excel in to be accepted into the nursing program. They are each 4 credits and are science combo courses. They've rolled anatomy, physiology, micro-biology, etc., into these 2 UBER courses that you take in 2 semesters, instead of  5 or 6 science classes that would obviously take much longer. We're talkin' lots o' lecture & lots o' lab. Well, shit. How am I supposed to do that and find some sort of a job???? I have to start earning money... asap!


There's no pussing out now either... I paid a non-refundable deposit today and got my student ID card. I'm such an idiot!!! You know what else I found out though? Even if I had completed my bachelor's, I'd still have to take all of these  same classes now. To even apply to nursing school, all of your pre-requisites must have been completed within the past 10 years. Oops... I missed that mark by a mile!!! That's good I guess... no need to feel like I'm wasting time. There wasn't even a passing thought of me doing this back in the 90's. 


So that's the latest. Officially enrolled in school and mailed a bunch of outstanding bills today. Not bad. 


:0)
S

:-/

Hey scoobies... I only have a few minutes. I'm off to see my guidance counselor at NOVA. We'll see if there's any way in hell I can actually DO this RN thing in a reasonable amount of time, and without completely disrupting my family life and responsibilities. You could say I'm just a scoche nervous. 


Added to my nervousness is a good dose of SEETHING RAGE. I was so proud of myself yesterday... I finally tackled a giant pile of scary mail and used some Craigslist funds to pay a bunch of bills that have been hanging over my head. I was feeling good... it felt like I was taking a wee bit of control. And then I opened yet another letter from Wells Fargo. Loan Modification Update: OFFICIALLY DENIED. And what do you think might be their reasoning? "Insufficient hardship to qualify for modification." Seriously????? Everything about my universe in the past 3 years has been nothing but hardship. Those fucking assholes. Do you realize the HELL they have put me through for the past 14 months as I tried to work this out??? The stress of this particular situation has pushed me to the brink on numerous occasions. 


There was a number to call for clarification. Believe it or not, I called. Usually it would take me a couple weeks to muster the courage to do that. Yes, I have been denied... but the bozo that I talked to said I need to send in updated info... new hardship letter, proof of income, expenses, tax information.... on and on it goes. Gathering all of that shit the first time nearly killed me, and now I get to do it again???  And what does that mean??? Do I still have a chance??? AAAGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! 


Something that would help me immediately would be a re-fi. Problem? I'm 60 days behind on my mortgage payments AND I have a 100k lien against the property because of that fucking loan that David took out. Even though I am not legally obligated to re-pay that loan, the bank says that since the borrower is dead, their agreement is with the property. WHAT???? How can you have a legally binding agreement with an inanimate object? 


As far as I'm concerned, the suits that run these banks and make these decisions are CRIMINALS. They have NO INTEREST in helping me. They know that my house and property are incredibly valuable & highly desirable, and they'll make a mint when they take it from me and sell it. Scum sucking douchebags. I believe I posted on Facebook that they are the bacteria feeding on the maggots that are eating a pile of shit. Sounds about right.


Gotta go.
S

Warning... Typos ahead!

Hey goobers. I'm attempting to multi-task... writing on my phone while riding the bike at the club. I'm sure there will be heinous typos... get over it. I am turning into such a jiggly tub o' goo that it's really disgusting. I HAVE TO get here more regularly. Luckily KK met met the last 2 days. It's SO MUCH easier to workout when you have someone to talk to.

I continue to struggle with my emotions regarding David. Like an asshole, I sobbed about it to Katy WHILE we worked out. I'm such an idiot. I still don't understand why it's just been in the past couple weeks that the enormity of his death has really set in with me. Why NOW??? Is it because exactly one year ago today he was in the hospital battling a raging infection in his abdominal fluid that they feared would turn septic? I don't know... It's not like I'm focused on the date. Fuck... I rarely even know the day of the week. I'm starting to have all of these memories... I'll go to Costco or California Tortilla or Wegmans... I can SEE US there, as a family. The million innocuous errands we ran in the course of our life together. I can picture us there & it seems like yesterday. In other ways, I feel like I've lived a thousand lifetimes since then.

It still bothers me to walk into a store, restaurant, whatever... and see that the world continues to function as normal... life goes on. And I STILL find myself wanting to scream "what are you doing??? Don't you know that my husband died??? Do you realize that my boys lost their daddy???" Yes, I realize that we weren't together when he died, but trust me, that's beside the point. I also recognize that it's a GOOD THING that life goes on... that things change and that there is always hope around the corner. But how do I get past the memories, the pain, the shock? I haven't a fucking clue. Don't get me wrong, I still don't miss him. Well, I don't miss him in the way you would miss your spouse in normal circumstances. I do miss things about him though, and I certainly feel the pain of his absence for the boys.

It's just SO FUCKED UP!!! What the hell? Can I just move on without the horrific nightmares & the stupid little things that pop up and bring me to my knees? Seriously, that would be fab.

New subject... I gave blood yesterday. I have a very rare blood type & since I'm a regular donor, they call me when they're having a critical shortage. The gal that called told me there had been an emergency in labor & delivery involving a mom & several babies. When I arrived to donate, they thanked me PROFUSELY and told me that my blood would be going to 3 critically ill babies in the NICU. I'll tell you what... that made me feel fuckin great!!! :0)It's such a tiny thing, but blood donation means so much to so many. And trust me, I'm incredibly thankful that I am healthy enough TO donate. I can make more... Somebody needs it more than I do.

Things are good at home. Well, we're having behavior issues with both Leilei & Jayden after their awful weekend, but aside from that... Reilly was particularly cute with the kids last night. He must have chased them & tickled them for an hour after dinner. Cute.

Gotta fly for now... Maybe I'll write again later.

S

***One more VERY IMPORTANT thing... one of my dearest friends, Lisa Benedetti, is having major surgery today. Please pray that it goes even better than expected and that she'll be up & around very, very soon. I LOVE YOU MISS LISA!!!!! AOT

:0)

I know, I know.... I'm sure I'll end up needing to take some fuckin' Math For Morons class or something. God knows how much shit they're going to make me re-take. I'll be very interested to hear what the counselor has to say once my transcripts arrive. I'm actually embarrassed to tell you that I did attend college full-time for 4 years, and then part-time for another 2 1/2... yet no degree. Awesome. Yep... I'm a jack-ass. 


I have nothing interesting to report, just a few cute pictures to share. Rory and Leighanna were helping me do another round of scrub & scoop with the pool this afternoon. Check it out...

It's coming along, baby!!!

I'm not sure if you can really tell from the picture, but the water is actually blue now AND you can see to the bottom. SWEEEEEET! Still lots more scrubbin' & scoopin' to do, and we still have to fire up the pump, but I'm feeling pretty optomistic about the pool at this point. I've always been such a water baby, and last summer I got in the pool once. ONCE. Not cool. True, there were a few other things happening. Seriously hoping that this summer will be one filled with laughter & splashes in that damn pool. 

Interesting... I read a snippet of an article about Shania Twain in People yesterday. She was talking about how she felt when she discovered her husband's affair. Her words pierced straight through to my soul. They were the exact things I had experienced, but I had the joy of going through it twice.... first when he left, and then when he died. She said:

"I was ready to die... to go to bed forever and never wake up. Or to hurt someone. I was ready to do something desperate. Fortunately, when you're a mom, the responsibility of caring for your child can keep you going. You have the routine of preparing your child for school in the morning, dragging yourself out of bed, and cheerfully keeping a brave face. Then I slipped back into my pajamas and spent the day in bed, crying and sleeping fitfully."

There was another section that really spoke to me too...

For weeks she barely ate or slept... she never got an explanation from her husband or her friend. "Some days the grief was so all consuming, I'd feel like it was coursing through my veins." And in reference to her friend, she writes: "I hated her. I was disgusted that another woman's lust for a lifestyle upgrade was worth the devastation of my family." Wow. Well said, girl. 

Moving on... Reilly was happily back behind the wheel today and drove us all to soccer practice. 

Young man & excited little boy, all rolled into one!

What can I say? I've got some MAD SWAG, baby!

Oh yeah... I'm drivin'... and the chicks DIG IT!!!!

I love these pics of him... so cute and they really make me laugh. At the same time, they make me very sad. I see so much of David in him, and I see him becoming a young man... without his dad. All I can say about that, is fuck. 

Toodles noodles...

S

Ney noodles...

Wazzup chicken butts? I'm very happy to report that I got my fat ass to the club this morning. Yes... I am expanding rapidly, and me NO likey. KK met me there this morning and we're planning to meet tomorrow too. It's SO much easier when you have someone to talk to. Plus, if I know she's meeting me, I won't make an excuse not to go! I've been doing the stress eating thing again... fuckin' hell. There doesn't seem to be much middle ground with me as far as eating goes. Either I'm stressed to the max and stuffing my face, or I'm sick to my stomach with worry and can't eat a damn thing. WTF??? 


We didn't end up going anywhere last night... the little ones were just too out of sorts after their ordeal. We all played outside for hours, and my Finn cooked a big dinner for everyone. Have I mentioned that he is an ANGEL??? The poor slob... he got seriously tortured at bedtime. I don't know what the fuck was happening up at grandma's, but Jayden was positively traumatized and literally screamed for 2 1/2 hours. He was terrified to go to bed. Finn stayed  in his room the whole time... not holding him... just trying to calm him and reassure him that daddy was there. So much for us trying to get all of the kids down early last night... sheesh! When the baby finally fell asleep, he went out to work on the jeep and blow off some steam. He's prepping it for paint... Viper Yellow is the color. Just having it painted that color should fetch and extra couple grand for it. :0) He took a minute to send Krissy a very short and to-the-point text... "I hate you." I thought it was hilarious and actually showed great restraint. She immediately started calling and texting with 'what did I do' "what's your problem', 'you're an asshole' etc. Jeez... lemme think... maybe I hate you because you're such an immature, irresponsible whore that I can't even count on you to help me raise OUR KIDS!!! I'm doing this alone, working my ass off, and you won't even throw me a few bucks, you stupid bitch!!! He didn't say any of that... in fact, he didn't even reply to her... but that's what he was thinking! I realize that money can't buy happiness, but having a bit more of it would certainly give both of us a lot more peace of mind. 


I know you peeps keep telling me not to even think about the troll and cactus, but I can't help it. As D's bills continue to roll in and the expenses keep piling up, it makes me INSANE that they OWN... FREE & CLEAR, by the way... THREE homes, 2 of which they never use. True, one is an RV, but it's worth over a 100 grand. And the house in Maryland? It just sits empty. They haven't even stayed there in almost 2 years. I'm sure it sounds selfish, but I just want to scream... 'sell one of those fuckin' things and help us out!!!! PLEASE!!!!!' 


Ugh... enough about them. Got my daily shiz to do... guess I'd better scramble. Make it a good one. 


xoxo
S

Here's a cute one for ya' from last week. :0) 

Sold!!!!

Just made another Craigslist sale!!! Got rid of the specialty drumming throne that D had. Yahhhoooooo!!!! I've got a couple other things that have interested buyers at the moment... sure would love to finish up the weekend with another sale or two. 


Rei came home from his orientation yesterday just as happy as a clam. He couldn't stop talking about how great it was and how excited he is to work on Thursday. They've already taken notice of how skilled Reilly is with handling dogs. At one point, the orientation leader, Logan, said "I want everyone to watch how Reilly is reacting to the dogs. THAT'S how you act as a pack leader." NICE! As a reward for all of his positive actions of late, he got to spend the night with Brandon and Austen. They had a horror movie marathon... gross... but they love 'em. 


Froggy, Rory & I had a quiet evening at home. Rory entertained himself for HOURS playing soccer & Roy was working on the jeep. I kept him company by editing all of my pics in the garage. Dayum... have I mentioned how cute he is???? 


All was well until his phone started ringing at about 10 p.m. His mom, his ex, his sister-in-law... all wanting to know what the fuck the deal was with some pictures of Leighanna that had been posted on Facebook. We had no idea about them, so had to do a little research. It turns out that her little bitch cousins spent yesterday humiliating her and then posting the pics and videos on FB. It was awful. He immediately called his cousin... the mother of these little girls who are 10 & 12... and she didn't see what the big deal was. First of all, why the FUCK does a 10 year old have a facebook page??? There were tons of wildly inappropriate pictures... just gross. He was positively furious. He's a very calm, quiet and soft-spoken guy... the opposite of David. D was a screamer, a door slammer... the works. Roy just got calmer and quieter. He was so upset that he was literally shaking. He ended up working on the jeep until about 2 or 3 this morning. I think he was channelling his rage so he didn't drive up there and kill someone. He went up first thing this morning and was even more disgusted when he got there. Jayden has a HUGE round welt on his face. They said he got hit with a ping pong ball. Have you any idea how hard it must have been smashed at him to make a mark like that??? He told his grandma that he won't be bringing the kids up there anymore. Clearly, the adult supervision is seriously lacking. I never thought it was the best environment for them, but it's his family and they're his kids... not my business. But now he really gets it. I totally agree that they shouldn't go there anymore, but at the same time, it sucks. Grandma was the only one who'd ever take the kids so he could have a wee break. Oh well... that ship has sailed. 


He's feeling really awful about what they endured over the weekend and wants to go do something fun so we can end it on a high note. Not sure what we're going to do... maybe go to Harper's Ferry, maybe have a bonfire... I don't know. The weather has turned from rainy to gorgeous, so at least we can do something outside. 


On a different note, need you to say some prayers for our friend John Lender... the one who owns the kennel. He appears to have had a mini-stroke on Friday... lost all vision in his left eye and was admitted overnight. That's all I know right now. 


Love ya...
xoxo
S