Hey goobers. I'm attempting to multi-task... writing on my phone while riding the bike at the club. I'm sure there will be heinous typos... get over it. I am turning into such a jiggly tub o' goo that it's really disgusting. I HAVE TO get here more regularly. Luckily KK met met the last 2 days. It's SO MUCH easier to workout when you have someone to talk to.
I continue to struggle with my emotions regarding David. Like an asshole, I sobbed about it to Katy WHILE we worked out. I'm such an idiot. I still don't understand why it's just been in the past couple weeks that the enormity of his death has really set in with me. Why NOW??? Is it because exactly one year ago today he was in the hospital battling a raging infection in his abdominal fluid that they feared would turn septic? I don't know... It's not like I'm focused on the date. Fuck... I rarely even know the day of the week. I'm starting to have all of these memories... I'll go to Costco or California Tortilla or Wegmans... I can SEE US there, as a family. The million innocuous errands we ran in the course of our life together. I can picture us there & it seems like yesterday. In other ways, I feel like I've lived a thousand lifetimes since then.
It still bothers me to walk into a store, restaurant, whatever... and see that the world continues to function as normal... life goes on. And I STILL find myself wanting to scream "what are you doing??? Don't you know that my husband died??? Do you realize that my boys lost their daddy???" Yes, I realize that we weren't together when he died, but trust me, that's beside the point. I also recognize that it's a GOOD THING that life goes on... that things change and that there is always hope around the corner. But how do I get past the memories, the pain, the shock? I haven't a fucking clue. Don't get me wrong, I still don't miss him. Well, I don't miss him in the way you would miss your spouse in normal circumstances. I do miss things about him though, and I certainly feel the pain of his absence for the boys.
It's just SO FUCKED UP!!! What the hell? Can I just move on without the horrific nightmares & the stupid little things that pop up and bring me to my knees? Seriously, that would be fab.
New subject... I gave blood yesterday. I have a very rare blood type & since I'm a regular donor, they call me when they're having a critical shortage. The gal that called told me there had been an emergency in labor & delivery involving a mom & several babies. When I arrived to donate, they thanked me PROFUSELY and told me that my blood would be going to 3 critically ill babies in the NICU. I'll tell you what... that made me feel fuckin great!!! :0)It's such a tiny thing, but blood donation means so much to so many. And trust me, I'm incredibly thankful that I am healthy enough TO donate. I can make more... Somebody needs it more than I do.
Things are good at home. Well, we're having behavior issues with both Leilei & Jayden after their awful weekend, but aside from that... Reilly was particularly cute with the kids last night. He must have chased them & tickled them for an hour after dinner. Cute.
Gotta fly for now... Maybe I'll write again later.
S
***One more VERY IMPORTANT thing... one of my dearest friends, Lisa Benedetti, is having major surgery today. Please pray that it goes even better than expected and that she'll be up & around very, very soon. I LOVE YOU MISS LISA!!!!! AOT
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
Impressive...you can bike and type at the same time!
ReplyDeleteI think everyone handles grieving so differently. For you, you are grieving the loss of your family so it's going to keep popping up when you do those familiar things you did as a family. I wish I could say when it will stop happening. I bet it would be worse if you didn't have Finn/Roy?Froggy in your life. I can say, however, it WILL get better in time.
aot
r~