On The Road to My New Life: 2011-05-08

Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

14 May 2011

Didja miss me???

Hey chuckleheads.... sorry it's been a few days. Blogger went down for maintenance for an hour & it turned into DAYS!!! Things have been quite eventful around here, to say the least. The first big news is that I took my English placement exam on Thursday... and scored 100%!!! Yeah, baby!!! Suck on that!!! :0) I also have an actual appointment with my counselor this coming Thursday to map out what I need to do before applying for the nursing program. Even better news???? I found out that I can defer the math placement test for a while... thank God!!! I have to wait for all of my transcripts to come in, so it'll be a few weeks before I'll know exactly what I have to re-take, and what things will count, but I'd like to start during the summer's second session & take Medical Terminology... just to get my feet wet. You wanna know the coolest part? Reilly was SO proud of me... he's been telling everyone that we see what I got on my test and that I'm going back to school. Very sweet.

And on to Reilly... damn, driving is a mighty big incentive for this kid!!! He scored a perfect 600 on his science SOL the other day. Yeeeehaw!!! Bonus... he won't have to take a final exam in that class because he got a perfect score. Nice! On Thursday, he sent me a text from school. It was a picture of a geometry test, on which he scored 96%!!! That class has been kicking his ass all year. His note said..."Mom... a permit is in order! Hell just froze over!!!" So yesterday we headed to the DMV. I was oddly calm, and he was really nervous! I don't know why... he'd been studying like crazy for the test. He only missed 1 question, so the kid can officially drive!!! It was so funny too... we ran into another mom & her son that I recognized. We got to talking, and it turns out that our boys were in their very first preschool class together when they were 2 1/2. Crazy that they were getting their permits on the same day. And this kid, Anthony, plays lacrosse too! We were barely out the door when Reilly grabbed the keys from me. I'm proud to say that he actually drove very well, and we're all alive to tell the tale.

On our way to the DMV... nervous and excited!

Hmmmm.... this is a little scarier than I thought it would be!

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!! REILLY'S BEHIND THE WHEEL!!!

Oh yeah.... DIGGIN' it!!!

A very big day, indeed. :0) Followed by today... another big one for the Rei guy! He started work at the kennel this morning with orientation from 9-2. He LOVED it. His first training shift will be on Thursday. As soon as he gets off the bus, until closing time. He's already counting the minutes. I think having this job is going to be a FABULOUS thing for him. I've been singing his praises like a crazy woman.... I want him to know just how proud I am of him and his recent accomplishments.

Rory had soccer this morning & he was THRILLED! It looked like we might have a rain-out, so he was very relieved that the game was still on. Leighanna is up at her grandma's for the weekend, so it was just Rory et moi at soccer. I was a little worried when I noticed the other team had 10 players, while we only had 5. They play 4 on 4, so we didn't have much in reserves today. It was a tough team too, but our guys played their booties off and won 8-1. Yahooooo!!! And yes, Rory scored!!!

Mr. Focused.... at it again.

Woooohooooo! I scored!!!!!

Aiden giving Rory a congratulatory lift. :0)

All in all, a great couple of days. The nights have been rough, as my nightmares are back in full swing. A lot about David and his hideous suffering, and even more about my financial woes. God, I wish those fuck sticks would help me out.... I sold David's car, I'm still working on the loan mod, I continue to look for work AND I'm going back to school. Oh, and let's not forget, the boys are doing beautifully... all things considered. What more do they want????

Time to scram. I have lots more great driving and soccer pics to post, but I haven't finished editing them yet. I hope to have them up on Shutterfly later today. I hope you're enjoying the weekend!

xoxo

***Pics have been posted on Shutterfly as of 7 p.m. Eastern. :0)

11 May 2011

Another hurdle crossed...

Good morning nerdlies. I am now officially registered for school. Not enrolled... but at least registered. They make it such a pain in the ass! I do SO miss the California Junior College system... far easier to navigate and get started. I'll be taking my first placement exam tomorrow morning... English. Not even the tiniest bit anxious about it... always had a knack for English. Also, I don't know if you've heard, but I have a weensy bit of writing experience too. ;-) Then comes the really scary part.... the math exam. I checked out some of the sample questions last night. All I can say is, FUCK!!! It may as well have been written in Chinese, cuz I didn't recognize a damn thing. And they're claiming this is all "basic knowledge". Uh.... I beg to differ! I'm no fuckin' genius, but there was nothing BASIC about any of the equations on that page. Yep... pretty sure this test is gonna screw me... HAWWWWARD!!!! Blech. And of course, I can't actually enroll in anything until I pass both of the tests. The first summer session begins on May 16th... Looks like I'll have to wait. It's just as well... I probably shouldn't start back to school just as the end-of-the-year craziness begins for the kids. Plus, I need to have a longer sit-down with a counselor, blah blah blah.

I went to the financial aid page this morning to apply for grants, etc. It was all going swimmingly until they asked for specific tax information. Whoopsie! I'm thinking it may be a tiny little fly in the ointment that my dipshit husband didn't file for 3 years. I say again... FUCK!!!

Miss Claudia.... SO nice to hear from you! I didn't realize you read my blog. I may have to fly home though, specifically to bitch-slap you. Were you implying that I was something other than a perfect student and a fab KD??? How DARE you!!! I was a SPECTACULAR KD... I LOVED it... it was my life. True, I hated San Jose State with the white hot passion of a thousand suns and was so depressed that I rarely went to class. And yes, I ended up on academic probation because of my shitty performance, and decided to dip out and head back to West Valley... but does that make me a less-than-perfect student? Oh wait... I guess that's the perfect definition of a shitty student... you got me! ;-) The beauty part though, is that I got my act together at West Valley and always had a 4.0. There have been many, many times that I wished I could go back and rewrite the history of my time at SJSU... oh well. I shot myself right in the damn foot, so here I am... at age 41... having to start all over. Ain't THAT a bitch?! I'll definitely look into the KD scholarship stuff... I've had fleeting thoughts about it, but haven't done any research. And I'll have you know, I was the Alum Assoc. President when I lived in San Diego. It may have been many moons ago, but I HAVE been active as an alum. :0)

That's all for now... more shiz to scoop out of the pool. It's starting to look blue!!!!!

xoxo
S

***Miss Bobbin.... if you claim that you're a math 'tard, then I'M a math 'tard to the elevendy billionth power!!!

10 May 2011

Only Tuesday????

Fuckin balls.... how can it only be Tuesday??? I'm SOOOOOO tired!!! Miss Spunk.... absolutely get a restraining order against that psycho. Clearly he cannot be reasoned with if even his wife agreed that was the thing to do. Sheesh!!

Reilly has made quite a turnaround as far as his attitude and sassy mouth of late. Hmmmmm.... just curious... think he could be kissing my ass so I'll take him to get his driver's permit??? Nooooooo..... he wouldn't do that, right? Ha! The kid obviously thinks I'm completely stupid. He's nice for 3 days and then expects me to take him out of school early today to get his permit. Uh... no. Let's see how the rest of the week goes, bud. I've certainly enjoyed his ass-kissing though... he has been supremely helpful around the house, with the little kids, and hasn't called me any hideous names for a few days. Nice! Once he does get the permit, I'm thinking I'll still be able to use it to my advantage. Act like a dick = no driving practice for you!!! Those of you reading who've yet to have a teenager may think I'm being a selfish bitch, but trust me... once that teen craziness kicks in, you need to use all resources at your disposal to keep 'em in line!

I've got another BIG thing to hang over his head too.... the old, red farm truck! He wants that to be his truck. Fine with me... didn't cost me anything. The troll & cactus gave it to us when they moved to Florida a few years ago. It's a 1986 Ford F150, but it still only has about 60k miles on it. As you might imagine, it needs a lot of work. Enter, Finn! Rei & I talked a lot about it last night... I told him I knew Finn was willing to work on it with him & teach him how to do everything, but that he'd not going to just do it for him. I also made sure he knew that I would not be playing middle man, and he'd have to actually speak to Finn to get things moving. They ended up having a long text conversation about it last night while Finn was bored off his ass at work, and Rei is SO excited. I think he's finally gotten the memo that Roy isn't just a stupid redneck and is extremely knowlegeable when it comes to anything mechanical. He knows all of the places to go to look for replacement parts, either for free or very cheap... and the guy can fix ANYTHING!!! I'm really hoping that this project will be the thing that finally brings them together. Rei has been pushing him away so hard, but now he needs him! I think just being together and talking about cars and dude stuff, might just be the ticket!!! Fingers crossed!!!

Phases 1 and 2 of Operation Pool Recovery are complete. Rei and I spent about 5 days brushing the pool, scooping out the shit, and then letting it settle again. On Sunday night we hit it with the first chemical assault, and I'm happy to say that it is already looking significantly better. And that's without running the pump yet! I think we need to repeat the whole scrubbing/scooping/settling process for the rest of the week, and then hit it with the chemicals again. After a day or two, it'll be time to get the equipment up and running and see if we can really get it cleared out. I truly hope we can get it up, running and looking fab. We've had three shit summers in a row and I definitely think we are due a fun one!

It's official... I'm going to need Reilly to tutor me in algebra so I can take that damn entrance exam. Great! I need to get online today and look-up those study guides. It's a 3 hour exam, so you could say that I'm scared shitless. It doesn't matter that I went to an actual university for several years.... they won't even let me take an underwater basket weaving class without taking these damn placement tests. Ugh!!! And believe me peeps, I'm fuckin smart.... smarter than the average bear... I know this. But you have to trust me here... when it comes to math... OF ANY KIND... I am severely mentally challenged. My 7th grade math teacher, Mr. Miller, told me everyday how stupid I was and routinely threw erasers at me for asking what he considered to be stupid questions. He certainly planted a seed, and I have never been able to overcome it in the math arena. I'd rather be painted with honey and covered with fire ants, while simultaneously having my toenails ripped off one at a time, than take a mother fuckin' math test. Shit!!! NOT happy!!!

Okay... guess I'd better hop to it. Hope you have a fab day. :0)

xoxo
S

09 May 2011

Monday...

Hey peeps... never did get my nap yesterday... booooo! I tried... NO idea why I couldn't sleep. I'm usually a fab napper. Oh well. I was so tired that I wasn't even interested in going out for dinner. It was just as well... that stupid little bitch... aka Jayden & Leighanna's mom... started calling Finn about noon, telling him that she was "done with the visit" with the kids. How lovely. She was supposed to arrive early on Saturday so she could see the kids' soccer game. She actually showed when there were about 10 minutes left. Nice. The plan was for her to keep the kids until Tuesday morning, as Finn's work schedule is screwy this week. He worked a regular shift yesterday, has to work 2pm-11:30 pm tonight, and has to be up and at it by 4:30 again tomorrow morning. Blarg!!! Originally, he told her to go screw and spend some time with her fucking kids. But she kept calling and kept calling.... she's so volatile that he was worried for the kids. Who knows what she'd do? Maybe she had a gang bang planned and would lock the kids in the closet. So he went and picked them up. I want to punch her square in the face. He works SO hard... at his job, with the kids, around the house... and she can't even have her own children for a whole day??? And let's not forget that she STILL doesn't pay ANY child support. AAAGGGHHH!!!! My sweet man made dinner for the whole crew as soon as he got home with the kiddos. What an angel. AND he gave me a gift card for a massage and a facial!!! ME LOVE IT!!!!!

So guess what I just did... I went to NOVA, Northern Virginia Community College, and had a walk-in consult with a counselor. Ohhhhh shit. I thought I was overwhelmed before. The good news is that this woman was incredibly helpful and knowledgeable, but DAYUM! I've got a LONG road ahead. I was hoping to take a class this summer just to get my feet wet, but I don't know if I'll be able to. I have to do the whole application process and take 2 HUGE placement tests... in English and math. Oh. My. God. I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but when it comes to math, I may as well be brain dead. Seriously. A math MORON. They'll probably laugh me out of the place. Let's pretend for a teensy second that I can actually pass that test... it will take me 3 solid years to get my RN. Fucking hell. Truly... the thought of it makes me want to puke. I have NO idea how I will be able to go to school AND have a job. Granted, I realize I don't have a job... but I need to find one!!! Oh well... one step at a time. She gave me some websites to check into that have practice tests. I'm thinking I'll have to hit those pretty hard. It's mostly algebra that they focus on... I'll probably need Reilly to tutor me. Grrrr...

My sweet angel man... he sent me a text & asked how it went. I replied with a LONG note about all of this shiz. All he said was "well, let's get it started!" What a sweetheart.

I've already done some Craigslist work today... re-posted a few things that haven't sold and posted some new items too. I hope I can keep on rollin' with the sales.

Errands to run... gots to go. Gorgeous weather today... feels like home. :0)

xoxo
S

08 May 2011

Happy Mother's Day :0)

Happy Mother's Day, noodles. So far, a SPLENDIFEROUS day for me!!! Why, you might ask? Because I sold my bush hog for a ROCKIN' price!!! Yeeeeehawwww!!! Yeah, baby!!! Now I need to get my Finn to help me with the tractor. It needs a tune-up and a good cleaning, but this is the time of year to get the biggest bucks for it. Gotta get workin' on that.

Now that I'm done 'working' for the day, I am deep into enjoying Mother's Day mode. Maybe I'm just a selfish bitch, but I've never understood why we're expected to do something with our kids on Mother's Day. Seriously.... I'm with my kids, caring for my kids, doing for my kids.... every minute of every day. I'd like a day OFF please! So now I am enjoying a smoothie as I write. Next I will stop at Target for a few things & then head home for a nap. Once my sweetie gets home from work, I think we'll go to Los Toltecos for dinner. Mexican sounds yummmmmmy!!! Some me time, a nap & dinner with my guys... that's MY kind of Mother's Day!

I got another delivery of SPECTACULAR flowers yesterday.... from my mudda & 'the boys'... nice try, mom! ;-)

Snapdragons... one of my all time faves!!!

I LOVE having fresh flowers in the house!

Having fresh flowers around is one thing I've really missed. Before cancer, I used to treat myself fairly regularly. I didn't go crazy... I'd usually just grab a bouquet at Costco every few weeks. Not really a smart expenditure for me anymore. That makes me appreciate these all the more. :0)

Got a few more details about Reilly's job. He actually had an on-the-spot interview with Suzanne yesterday. There are all kinds of positions at the kennel. Who knew? I thought everyone just worked with the dogs. Nope! Reilly is going to train to be a 'pack leader'. They follow the program of the guy who is the Dog Whisperer... can't think of his name since I haven't watched tv in so long. Anyhoo.... it's very cool, because she only puts the really responsible kids in that spot. Nice! Next Saturday he'll have orientation from 9-2, and then he has to work 6 training shifts before he can actually start working... 3 morning shifts and 3 closing shifts. There's a new crop of 10 high school kids starting together, so that should make it fun. And get this... the fucker is going to make $8 an hour!!!! When I was slingin' pizzas in high school, I only made $3.25!!!

Time to make my way to Target. I don't want to be out too long.... there is a nap in my future!!!! Of course, I want to spend extra special love and hugs to my Mama... I think we all know she has gone way above and beyond her motherly duties. She's done that all of my life, but the last 3 years have been especially difficult for all of us. I know I've told you this before mom, but I sure as hell wouldn't have made it through these horrendous years without your constant love, encouragement and support. I love you!!! xoxoxoxoxoxo

I also want to send big smooches to all of my girlfriends... and my aunties too... who have 'mothered' me through this. Bad news for you.... I still need ya!!!

It's beautiful here today... hope it's the same where you are. Enjoy!!!

Much love...

xoxo

Happy Mother's Day Eve!!!

No time to write... gotta hit the hay. My sweet Finn took me out for a scrumdilly dinner to celebrate Mother's Day. He has to work tomorrow... yes, tomorrow. :( Up at 4:30 am.... eeeewwwww! Just wanted to share a couple pics of the spectacular flowers I got from my Dad & Miss Mary the other day. Also, I just put up a new album on Shutterfly... today's soccer game... where Rory scored EIGHT goals... and then a bunch of shots I took in Waterford this morning. There's a bed and breakfast right in the center of town called The Pink House, and they have the most incredible gardens. I stopped to ask if I could take pictures... turns out the new owners are Bay Area natives. Small world!