Howdeeeee...

Don't have a stroke, but I bought a book the other day. Though I was once a voracious reader, often reading 3 or 4 novels a week, I haven't been able to actually read a book in more than 3 years. I've bought many, many books lo these 3 years, but they've all been spiritual or motivational... broken up into little snippets. It's been very difficult to even get through a magazine article... no way could I read an actual novel. But I've missed it. I've really missed it. I've often looked for a book to read, but never found anything that grabbed my attention. The other night Roy & I were at Target looking for Easter goodies for the kids. I saw a book called "Heaven is For Real". It's the true story of an almost 4 year old boy who had emergency surgery and was at he brink of death. After he recovered, and over the course of a few years, her very matter-of-factly told his parents all about his experiences in Heaven. From the book jacket, "Colton, not yet 4 years old, told his parents he left his body during surgery-and authenticated that claim by describing exactly what his parents were doing in another part of the hospital while he was being operated on." And that's just the beginning. 


It's a fairly short book... a quick read... but I have to tell you, his stories of the joy and peace that exist in Heaven are already bringing me great comfort. I think anyone who's ever buried someone who was a significant part of their life should read it. I still don't understand why or how David had to die the way that he did, or why we will have to continue to endure the fallout for the rest of our lives, but my worries about David now, are dissipating. I'll take my peace wherever I can get it. Happy Saturday.


xoxo
S

What day is it?

Hey monkeys... I have to say, I DO enjoy not knowing what day it is... a sure sign that we're on a break from school. :0) Another cold & rainy day today... we've had mostly rain this whole week. Good news for my well, to be sure! It was beautiful yesterday though, so I convinced Reilly to mow. He was NOT happy about it, but after MUCH attitudy Judy mouthiness, he finally relented. He's mostly been pleasant this week, but when he flips that switch I wanna smack him right in the mouth. I find it HEEEELARIOUS that he keeps asking me to stop at the DMV to get him the permit test study guide. Yeah.... suuuuuure. Keep up with the mouth, dude.... you'll be driving in NO time! What a jack-ass. 


My sweet Finn & I went and grabbed a bite at Cali Tortilla last night. Super bonus.... I had a $10 gift card, so dinner was only 5 bucks... nice! Then we went out in search of Easter basket stuff for the kids. I've been working on it here and there for weeks, but it's tough to fill those things without spending a bunch o' cash. I need to start putting the baskets together tonight & see what I've got. Need to make 'em at least look full. I'm glad Rory is so little... I don't think he has much memory about the crazy, over-the-top Easter extravaganzas of year's past. Special thanks to my Auntie Nut... that was so sweet of you to send things for all of the kids. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that my family has embraced Jayden & Leighanna... I luvvves you people. :0) 


By the way.... I think I need to start referring to my Finn as Roy when I write. Obviously, everyone knows him as Finn because of me, but it's becoming clear that he'd rather everyone else call him Roy. He hasn't said anything, but I can just tell. So Roy it is!!! 


The jeep guy came over yesterday and immediately fell in love. Here's the deal though... the jeep won't be for him, it'll be for his brother. The brother happens to be serving in Iraq & will be home in 3 weeks. He found the jeep on the internet & asked his brother to go see it for him. I swear, I think the guy popped a boner when he drove that thing. It has SO much power... Roy said his face was priceless. He even made a sound recording of the engine to play for his brother. :0) They are supposed to talk today... but you never know when one of 'em is in a fuckin' war zone... so hopefully we'll get some good news tonight. Fingers CROSSED!!!!!!


Better hit it.... gonna take my cutie patootie to the club. He's all excited to go to the kid's club and take a swim. He's been such a good boy this week... he deserves it. Have a good one. 


xoxo
S

Cross your fingers!!!

Someone is coming to look at the jeep at 4:00 today. We've has lots of offers of trades, but this guy wants to pay cash. So say a prayer, send good juju... whatever. We HAVE to sell this damn thing.

S

:(

I've felt supremely sad and lonely all day today. Not sure why. It's weird how the enormity of what's happened in our lives is starting to sink in. Not that I didn't get the memo earlier, but you know what I mean. Each of the past few days I've either heard a song or flashed on a memory, and dissolved into tears. What the fuck? Is this EVER going to get easier???

I did have a nice evening excursion with Rory. Gorgeous weather today, so we took a walk to the pond around 6 or so. We saw another HUGE snapping turtle and then another much nicer variety. The pond is fuller than it's been in years, as we've had TONS o' rain. You can't even get within 10 feet of it's bank without being ankle-deep in mud. Yeah... learned that one the hard way today... in flip flops. Eew. Anyhoo, we were exploring, having a fabulous chat (sometimes that kid is so cute that I just want to eat him) and collecting golf balls. Our neighbor has a little driving range, so there are always lots of balls to find. We were talking about how squishy the grass is & he said,"you know Mommy, it's Daddy's fault... he made it rain!" I replied, "well, then he's a big goofball" and Rory pointed to the sky with a little tisk tisk finger, giggled and said "you're in BIG TROUBLE Daddy!" It was so sweet. Moments like that make me feel like he'll be okay, but it was only a few days ago that he was completely depressed, unglued & heartbroken. Any chance I've ever mentioned how much I HATE this??? I don't know which fuckin' way is up, and I SURE as hell don't know how we'll ever get through this... up, down, up, down... it never ends.

On a totally different topic, today I found out about a half-marathon being held at Disney World next January to benefit Comfort Zone. It would be SO fantastic if we could participate. Clearly, the cost involved in being able to do it is a serious problem, but I'd love to work it out. There are supposed to be deep discounts on hotels and park tickets for anyone associated with a charity group, so I need to see how much we're talkin'. I looked up airfare & right now it's only 250 bucks a ticket. That's CHEAP. Usually it's anywhere from $500-$750 a person to get from here to Orlando. They even have a Mickey's Mile Fun Run that Rory could do. Sure would be fun... something to dream about anyway.

I'd better hit it. Hoping for a lil more pep in my step tomorrow.

:0)
S

Yep

I couldn't agree more, Miss Bobbin... boring is good. Totes magotes. I'll take boring over just about any day in the last 3 years, thank you very much. I wasn't complaining... just reporting. I am having myself a teensy lil pity party at the moment though... no worries... it's an itty bitty one. I think I need to stop looking at Facebook for a few days. Every single person I know is either at their beach house, exploring Disney World, in New York City or gallavanting around the wild west. In the past few weeks, most of my Cali peeps have been hitting the slopes, the beach, etc. It's just depressing... knowing that I'll never be able to take us on vacation anywhere. It's not just depressing... it pisses me off. Yes, I realize that we were lucky enough to go on that amazing cruise last November, but it's gonna have to hold me for quite a while, I suspect. 


Fuckin' cancer. It's amazing how it changes everything.


S

Hey there

So far spring break has been fairly boring. I'm trying to tackle some big projects around the house & there's not really much to get out and do for fun. I have a whole lotta nuthin' to say right now, but here are a few pics for you to enjoy.

 Snuggly bruddas

 The boys found this gnarly snapping turtle last night.

 He's HUGE!!!

 Check out the claws on this dude...

 Handsome.

Cutes Patoots.

Yeah, so the boys found this snapping turtle in our neighbor's pond last night. He's enormous and MEAN!!! There's a mommy & daddy goose that have babies in that pond every year, and this guy does his best to eat as many of the goslings as he can. He even snatched one while the boys were down there last night. Eew. So Rei went in the pond and grabbed him, brought him home to completely gross me out, and then we drove him to a different pond and let him go. The boys DUG it. :0)

Later peeps. 

:0)

S

Stages of grief...

Thought I'd pass along some info that might help to explain why I continue to be such a wreck much of the time, and why the kids are still struggling so much. Here are some things I came across while researching grief and bereavement...


"There is no neat progression from one stage of grief to the next. In reality, there is much looping back, stages can hit at the same time or occur out of order. Generally, a long period of depression, isolation and loneliness happen late in the grief process. It is normal and expected for you to be very depressed and sad 8 months, 9 months or a year later. Outsiders do not understand this & feel that it should be time for you to "get over it" and move on. But these behaviors are normal... they just don't 'get it'. 


Just when your friends think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is normal, so do not be 'talked out of it' by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful during this stage of grieving. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness and despair. 


As you become more functional, your mind starts working again and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to the practical and financial problems you face, and you will begin to reconstruct yourself. In the final stage of grief, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy. 


GRIEF IS A NORMAL AND NATURAL REACTION TO LOSS. GRIEF IS NOT A DISEASE, PERSONALITY DISORDER OR BEHAVIORAL ABNORMALITY.


Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith and the nature of the loss. The grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can't be forced or hurried. THERE IS NO NORMAL TIMETABLE FOR GRIEVING. 


Unlike adults, bereaved children do not experience continual and intense emotional and behavioral grief reactions. Children may seem to show grief only occasionally and briefly, but in reality, a child's grief usually lasts longer than that of an adult. In grieving children ages 6-9, they often become afraid of school, have learning difficulties, develop antisocial or aggressive behaviors, become overly concerned about their own health, or withdraw from others. Children this age also become too attached and clinging to the surviving parent. 


Bereaved teens exhibit their own unique set of problems. Boys especially, can act out with extremely aggressive and violent behavior. They feel abandoned and usually feel guilty about being alive. They have incredibly heightened emotions of guilt, anger and shame and have very little control over impulsive and self-destructive behaviors."


That's just the tip of the iceberg, but might give you a little insight into our crazy universe. I'm off to start taking pics of farm equipment in my barn.... hoping to list and sell some things now that spring is here. Happy Sunday. 


:0)