I've felt supremely sad and lonely all day today. Not sure why. It's weird how the enormity of what's happened in our lives is starting to sink in. Not that I didn't get the memo earlier, but you know what I mean. Each of the past few days I've either heard a song or flashed on a memory, and dissolved into tears. What the fuck? Is this EVER going to get easier???
I did have a nice evening excursion with Rory. Gorgeous weather today, so we took a walk to the pond around 6 or so. We saw another HUGE snapping turtle and then another much nicer variety. The pond is fuller than it's been in years, as we've had TONS o' rain. You can't even get within 10 feet of it's bank without being ankle-deep in mud. Yeah... learned that one the hard way today... in flip flops. Eew. Anyhoo, we were exploring, having a fabulous chat (sometimes that kid is so cute that I just want to eat him) and collecting golf balls. Our neighbor has a little driving range, so there are always lots of balls to find. We were talking about how squishy the grass is & he said,"you know Mommy, it's Daddy's fault... he made it rain!" I replied, "well, then he's a big goofball" and Rory pointed to the sky with a little tisk tisk finger, giggled and said "you're in BIG TROUBLE Daddy!" It was so sweet. Moments like that make me feel like he'll be okay, but it was only a few days ago that he was completely depressed, unglued & heartbroken. Any chance I've ever mentioned how much I HATE this??? I don't know which fuckin' way is up, and I SURE as hell don't know how we'll ever get through this... up, down, up, down... it never ends.
On a totally different topic, today I found out about a half-marathon being held at Disney World next January to benefit Comfort Zone. It would be SO fantastic if we could participate. Clearly, the cost involved in being able to do it is a serious problem, but I'd love to work it out. There are supposed to be deep discounts on hotels and park tickets for anyone associated with a charity group, so I need to see how much we're talkin'. I looked up airfare & right now it's only 250 bucks a ticket. That's CHEAP. Usually it's anywhere from $500-$750 a person to get from here to Orlando. They even have a Mickey's Mile Fun Run that Rory could do. Sure would be fun... something to dream about anyway.
I'd better hit it. Hoping for a lil more pep in my step tomorrow.
:0)
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
Disney in January could be fun. They have some cheaper places like Shades of Green and the further out resorts are less expensive.
ReplyDeleteMy phoenix Jabberwokkee is not doing well. He has been picked on a lot lately. I separated him out to give him a rest and see what is going on. Meanwhile the new biddies are starting to get little wing feathers and lose their baby fuzz. They are so darn cute! At night the sleep under Momma with their little heads sticking out. It has been so hot that they really don't need to be under her wings so much and are really independant. Once those wing feathers all come in the little buggers will be flying.
I have NOTHING to do at work today! I hate it! I hate doing nothing and having to look productive. I look around for stuff to do. The one good thing is my office is in the back and no one comes over here so really no one knows I have nada to do. I make it a point to occassionally venture out - make some photo copies, file some random files....yesterday I did the entire mailing for the end of the year Crew banquet...everyone is soooo self absorbed they really have no clue. I have all the invoices done, filing....really it is crazy. This job goes away on the 30th but I need to earn the 30 hours every week. My husband who is the regional guy and no longer runs the day to day knows when I am gone everything is going to get waylaid and behind again but since the manager only cares if he is getting yelled for being missing or something is on fire - he just doesn't pay any attention to it. Oh well. New boss came by...He still has no start date for me. I am getting a little concerned.
AOT
Spunky