Thought I'd pass along some info that might help to explain why I continue to be such a wreck much of the time, and why the kids are still struggling so much. Here are some things I came across while researching grief and bereavement...
"There is no neat progression from one stage of grief to the next. In reality, there is much looping back, stages can hit at the same time or occur out of order. Generally, a long period of depression, isolation and loneliness happen late in the grief process. It is normal and expected for you to be very depressed and sad 8 months, 9 months or a year later. Outsiders do not understand this & feel that it should be time for you to "get over it" and move on. But these behaviors are normal... they just don't 'get it'.
Just when your friends think you should be getting on with your life, a long period of sad reflection will likely overtake you. This is normal, so do not be 'talked out of it' by well-meaning outsiders. Encouragement from others is not helpful during this stage of grieving. During this time, you finally realize the true magnitude of your loss and it depresses you. You may isolate yourself on purpose, reflect on things you did with your lost one and focus on memories of the past. You may sense feelings of emptiness and despair.
As you become more functional, your mind starts working again and you will find yourself seeking realistic solutions to the practical and financial problems you face, and you will begin to reconstruct yourself. In the final stage of grief, you learn to accept and deal with the reality of your situation. Acceptance does not mean instant happiness. Given the pain and turmoil you have experienced, you can never return to the carefree, untroubled YOU that existed before this tragedy.
GRIEF IS A NORMAL AND NATURAL REACTION TO LOSS. GRIEF IS NOT A DISEASE, PERSONALITY DISORDER OR BEHAVIORAL ABNORMALITY.
Grieving is a personal and highly individual experience. How you grieve depends on many factors, including your personality and coping style, your life experience, your faith and the nature of the loss. The grieving process takes time. Healing happens gradually; it can't be forced or hurried. THERE IS NO NORMAL TIMETABLE FOR GRIEVING.
Unlike adults, bereaved children do not experience continual and intense emotional and behavioral grief reactions. Children may seem to show grief only occasionally and briefly, but in reality, a child's grief usually lasts longer than that of an adult. In grieving children ages 6-9, they often become afraid of school, have learning difficulties, develop antisocial or aggressive behaviors, become overly concerned about their own health, or withdraw from others. Children this age also become too attached and clinging to the surviving parent.
Bereaved teens exhibit their own unique set of problems. Boys especially, can act out with extremely aggressive and violent behavior. They feel abandoned and usually feel guilty about being alive. They have incredibly heightened emotions of guilt, anger and shame and have very little control over impulsive and self-destructive behaviors."
That's just the tip of the iceberg, but might give you a little insight into our crazy universe. I'm off to start taking pics of farm equipment in my barn.... hoping to list and sell some things now that spring is here. Happy Sunday.
:0)
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
I would hope that anyone who has ever lost someone so very important in their lives would understand there is no timetable for grief. I suppose people who think you should just get over and move on, have never been in your position. Sadly, it doesn't work that way...even if you want it to. Grief is not only an emotional thing, it's a physical thing as well and that make is so much more complex. I get it.
ReplyDeleteaot
r~
Every hit is harder than the last hit. No matter how trivial the hit is. Rory may see little boys having fun with their dads and his memories are so fresh and losing his dad is so raw.
ReplyDeleteReilly lost a dad at the most crutial of times. Having the maturity of knowing and understanding how his father died must cut him like a knife every day.
I really like the idea of the boys, especially Reilly right now going into teen counseling. He has so much to offer. And helping children of any age going through greif may be especially helpful to him.
Buy the way....how did the spackle/paint "party" turn out?
oops, slapped my "happy monday" on the wrong post.
ReplyDeleteHey....You had an interesting weekend. Glad the spackle party went well and hopefully your walls in the basement are beautiful!
ReplyDeleteMarissa has her Psych eval a week from tomorrow and then they go an talk to all of her teachers. Some get that her learning disability really screws her up and others just don't get it. Unfortunately, her english teacher is one not getting it! Hey Dimwit - Dyslexia is kind of like being blind in the ability to read department and requires a little more time. She refuses to let Marissa do the questions while she is reading because it would give Marissa an unfair advantage over the other students in regard to the quiz - The other students do not have her issue with reading....so how it her having the reading guide a disadvantage - how about giving it to everyone!!! Keep your fingers crossed it all turns out well - working on getting Marissa additional time for her SAT's.
Last weekend we were in Sarasota Florida for a race. I got totally sunburned! Collin's boat was VICTORIOUS - it was not a medalled event but a Henly which means winner gets all the shirts. So Everyone in Collin's boat won 8 shirts from the 8 other teams they championed. The Coxswain cried. It was a beautiful thing.
AOT
Prayers
Luv ya tons
Spunky