Well said.

I came across a quote tonight that pretty much leapt off the computer screen at me. It may sound a wee bit trite, but it's right on the money.


"Closure is for windows, NOT widows." 


Holy shiz-nit... that really spoke to me. I guess part of the reason is because I almost feel like I was robbed of the title of 'widow'. Not that it's ever a wife's goal... to achieve widow status. But motherfucker.... I EARNED that title. Just because we weren't together, a great many people I come across seem to have the 'what's the big deal?' attitude toward me. Guess what, moron... I don't have time to make you the list of reasons why it's such a big fucking deal. Truly, the idiocy of some people astounds me. 


Nothing else of note this evening... just wanted to pass along the quote. In case you're interested, here is the link to another book by Karyn D. Kedar. She's an author who really speaks to me. 


Love ya...
S

SERIOUSLY starting to frost my ass...

Do you realize that I looked every day for FOUR MONTHS before finding that damn job??? And now I'm back to square one. FUCK!!!! Trying to find a job is exhausting, infuriating and fairly demoralizing. You would not BELIEVE the qualifications these places specify, and for jobs that a pre-schooler could do. I'm not kidding. 'Must have a BA and 5 years experience'... to answer phones???? Are you SHITTING me right now??? And what do you think the chances are that I'll find something where I can wear the damn scrubs that I bought? Hmmmm. I'm guessing slim to none, and Slim left 10 minutes ago. IT'S PISSING ME OFF!!!!!! I'm sure D's parental units would get a HUGE laugh if they knew I had a job & lost it after only 3 weeks. Nevermind that I've busted my ass to find something... anything. I'm sure they're still under the assumption that I'm being fanned with palm fronds and fed peeled grapes by a hot cabana boy. Morons. Even though they proved to me over and over again that they are soulless shitbags, I STILL find it hard to believe that they completely turned their backs on us as far as D's debt goes. I guess that kind of behavior is just so far out of my realm of understanding, that I'll never fully grasp it. Forget that they're family.... I would help out a friend if I had the ability. What am I saying? I've DONE that. It was during D's treatment, and we had friends that were in a dire financial situation. I didn't even blink and I didn't ask D either. I just TOLD him it was happening. But these sorry excuses for human beings claim they are "teaching me a lesson" by watching me flail and drown in the sea of debt that their SON created. Yeah... still pretty fucking pissed at those assholes... could ya tell???


Rory had a great time at his sleepover, and I got a couple of bonus hours out of the deal. Just as I was about to go get him, the mom called and said they were having SO much fun, that they wanted Rory to stay until lunchtime. Sweet! Obviously, I was already up and dressed, but I took the opportunity to be lazy just a wee bit longer. :0) It's almost 2 p.m. now & Reilly is still at his friend's house. Fine with me. He flipped the switch again on the drive over there yesterday, and was acting like a HUGE dick. Pretty happy to have him elsewhere at the moment. The little kids will be home at about 5, so I'm thinking we might need to have a pizza and movie night with a fire. 


Finn is working furiously on the jeep until the kids get back. I have never known a man with a work ethic like he has. It's quite something to behold. Have I mentioned that me luvvvves him? :0) 


Not much else to say at the moment, and plenty that needs doing around the house. I know... shocker! Here are a couple shots of my goofy dogs enjoying the snow. 

 Old Ollie... gettin' a little fuzzier. 

 Crazy doggie melee!!!

 Chloe going for the sneak attack... biting Mommy's ankle.

Lola schooling the little girl after the ankle biting episode!

I have LOVED watching the doogs romp in the snow. They've been having a ton of fun. Rotten furballs. :0)

Adios for now...

S

***Learn the art of being silly.***

***Pursue happiness in every corner of your life.***

***Define what is important and ignore what is not.***

  -Instant Karma

I miss you.... bunch of fuckin mungheads!

I MISS YOU, MY PEEPS!!!!! WHERE BE YOU ARE????? It's clear that I have a few regulars who seem to have gotten a hang of the posting thing... keep 'em comin'! I LOVE hearing from you guys!!! I only have a minute right now, as I have to go pick up Rory from his buddy's house. Did I happen to mention that Reilly had a sleepover at a friend's last night too? You know what THAT means.... one WHOLE evening with my Finn and NO kids!!! Yeeeeehaw!!!! It was glorious... heavenly.... quiet... and such fun. We laughed our asses off! DAYUM, I luvvves that boy! :0) I was hoping to sleep in and have a lazy morning too, but the mom who had Rory over has an appointment this morning. Dirty bitch! Ha.... I'm just teasing. I'm SO happy that Rory finally got to spend the night with a pal, and over the MOON that we had a wee break from all of the kids. 


Gots to skiddoo for now. Happy Saturday. :0)


xoxo
S

In case you were wondering....

I'm sure a great many of you have thought to yourselves, "how in the HELL did Shan land that sweet, sexy, 30 year old guy?!?! Let's see... I may be 41, but I'm HAWT, baby!!! I guess it's time to show you just how hot I am..... brace yourselves...

 Oh yeah.... now THAT'S HAWT, baby!!!

How could he POSSIBLY resist???

Try not to be TOO jealous... sometimes it's a curse to be as gorgeous as moi. Bwahahahahaaaaa! Must away.... I need to go stare at my stunningly beautiful self in the mirror for a while. 

;-)

Friday....

Hey noodles.... success! A full night's sleep, SANS nightmares... ahhhhhh. Thanks for the kudos on the jeep Miss Bobbin. Yepsk... my guy is AMAZING! And he SHOULD run his own damn shop! As far as being cold in the garage... more good news in the 'crazy David expenditures' department. At some point he purchased a couple of GINORMOUS kerosene heaters. Just one of 'em keeps it DANG toasty in there. Good thing, cuz there's no fuckin way he could work out there in this weather... his fingers would snap off! Reilly would never say anything to his face, but he is MUCHO impressed at Finn's mechanic & auto body skills. He says all kinds of nice things about him to me, but he's still playing 'tough guy' to Finn. He'll be cozyin' up to him soon though.... he's ALL about fixing up our old farm truck to eventually be his. It will be a great first car... it's a 1986 Ford F150, but it only has 55k miles on it. Finn says the engine is fab and will run forever, it just needs some work here and there. Reilly is CONVINCED that he'll be getting his driver's permit come April 25th.... yeah... we'll see. He hasn't quite gotten the memo yet that it's NOT a right... it's a PRIVILEGE. I've told him repeatedly that not only does he have to maintain spectacular grades, he has to keep his living areas clean and free of funk, he has to be helpful around the house, and he has to participate in our family in a positive way. That also includes NOT calling his mother a bitch, asshole, whore, or any of his other favorite terms of endearment for me, and NOT torturing his brother, physically or emotionally. Between you and me, I'm thinking it'll be a while before he gets that permit. We'll see. 


I thought I'd share a couple of pics I took at SDSI the other day. I can't begin to tell you how surreal it was to be there. Surreal, uncomfortable and very, very sad. I am happy to report that David's office had remained untouched. I filled a couple of boxes with all of his notebooks.... book after book full of equations, ideas and plans for the company's future. VERY hard to see his handwriting... I'm not sure why.  I also took all of the technical books that had his name written on them. Reilly is starting to express great interest in going into engineering, so I thought it would be cool to have some of his dad's books for him. Everything is still in my car... haven't been able to bring myself to take out the boxes yet. Why are such little tasks like that SO huge and SO difficult?

 Plaque at the entry to the office.

 He was SO proud when they moved into this suite of offices last February.

 It had BETTER be gorgeous... 100k in rent per year.

 D's office as he left it... never had a chance to unpack his boxes.

Can you SEE these equations??? Yeah... he was fucking brilliant.

Tough to see those... what a waste. I'm glad to have the pictures though.... something for the boys to hang on to. I think it'll be nice to see actual evidence of the successful company that their dad built.

I guess I have to take advantage of this snow day to actually clean. Eew. Not really how I want to spend my time, but I suppose I should do something productive. One happy note relating to the snow.... I've been able to let all 4 dogs out back to run. It makes me so happy to see all of them out there playing together. I HATE that I have to tether Lola & Chloe because of my cum bubble neighbors. The hard part is getting Chloe to come back in!

Looks like I'll be perusing the job listings again today too. I STILL can't believe the way that doc let me go... that was like a professional hit. Seriously.... TOTAL Soprano style.... didn't see that shit coming. What a complete douche. 

The front yard yesterday morning.... so beautiful and peaceful. :0)

Happy Friday... hope you have a nice weekend. 

Smooches....

S

***Take an active, positive role in healing your own mind, body and spirit.***

***Look for the light at the end of the tunnel.***

***Treat yourself kindly.***

    -Instant Karma

Yeah... I called it!

Did I, or did I not, predict yesterday that there would be no school on Friday??? Yes, I believe I did... and bingo!!!! They didn't call it until about 6:00 tonight, and Reilly was just SURE I was wrong. Hah! Don't you fucking HATE it when your mom is RIGHT???? The main roads are all in really great shape, but it's these dirt roads that the buses have to be able to traverse. The other major problem is that the school parking lots and sidewalks have yet to be cleared, and they can't open with them like that. Fine with me!!! It worked out schedule-wise actually, as the high schools all finished exams on Tuesday, so they'll just start the new semester when we go back. Finn did a lot of work on our driveway today, but it's still a mess, as is the hill. Even theough the old Ford tractor runs now, I don't have any snow attachments for it... that means all snow removal has to be done by hand. Eew. It boggles my mind that AGAIN, my 'neighbors' didn't do shit to help us. Just like last year, Jim was on his tractor all fuckin day, but never bothered to take a swipe at our driveway. Douche. And when Finn & Rei were cutting up trees on the hill, they talked to Henry who's driveway had obviously been plowed... he said someone came down and plowed it last night. Hmmm... nice that they turned around and went home after that. People can be such shit heads!!!! You KNOW we'd help others if we had that ability. Grrr.... The shitty part is that there's no way Finn's gonna get another free day off tomorrow. :( We did get smart though, and took the kids to their mom this evening. In fact, we left even before we got the official word that school was cancelled. She'd planned to bring them back on Saturday anyway, so you gets 'em early biotch!!! I have to say, it IS nice to get the occasional break. Obviously, my 2 shmoos are always here, but even having a day or two without Jayden gives Finn a chance to play catch up. And it's a SUPER bonus for both of them that he won't have to take the lil man to daycare at 4:30 tomorrow morning. I don't think that chick has ANY  about clue how hard he works or all that he does. I take that back. I guess she has some idea, or she wouldn't have been so willing to give the kids back after a wee month of being a full time parent. That was ALL she could take!!! ONE month and she was DONE!!!


After dropping the kids, we went out for a kid-free meal. Niiiice. :0) Especially after a few days being locked in the house with all 4 of 'em. Then we grabbed dog food... good thing the roads were clear, as I didn't realize the other day that we were almost out. We were down to about 5 kibbles by this morning, and 4 hungry dogs is no bueno!!! We also hit Target for the ol' bread, milk and cereal thing, and then headed home. Da boyz are watching a movie and having a sleepover together in Rei's room. Cute. 


It seems there were quite a few people yesterday who paid ZERO attention to the forecast, as the traffic nightmares were epic. I have one dear friend whose husband left work at 4 in the afternoon. He usually has about a 45 minute drive home. By 5:30 p.m. he was on the GW Parkway... STOPPED. And that's where he sat until 6 this morning. Seriously!!!! And even once he got moving, it was still another 90 minutes before the poor fucker got home. All I can say is... better him than me!!! Sorry Michael!!!


Right now my beautiful man is working on his jeep... again. He wants to sell it SOOOO badly, and we SERIOUSLY need the cash. He's doing a fantastic job... the transformation is amazing. Clearly, this is what he should be doing full-time... we're working on that!

 I wish I had a true 'before' pic... this is after MUCHO bodywork.

 The gutted interior.

 Almost finished sanding.

 Now the whole interior is carpeted.

 Partially through the primer process.

Lookin GOOD!!!

Can you even believe what he can do??? And that's just the bodywork... he re-built the engine & re-wired the whole thing too... I'm SO proud of him. :0) He's planning on painting it bright yellow. That'll make it look SUPER sweet & hopefully bring in some extra bucks. And FYI... it has a race car engine in it.... somebody's GOTTA want it!!! I'm happy to see that all of the money David spent on ridiculous garage stuff that he hadn't the faintest clue how to use, is actually doing some good.... finally!!! 

I'm really hoping the roads don't ice up again overnight. I'm feeling completely fat and disgusting and would really like to get my jiggly mcflabbyass to the club. Also crossing my fingers for a whole night FREE of nightmares. 

Later taters...

S

Snow day...

Well shit. Any thoughts I'd had about baking today got flushed right down the pooper. It started with me having hideous nightmares all night. Awesome. I FINALLY have a day with some good news and I can't even relax with a blissful night's sleep. Add to that, we're pretty sure we have a rotting rodent carcass somewhere in one of the heating vents. It started in the mudroom, but now that unmistakable stench is starting to permeate the house. Disgusting. 


Finn & Rei just spent an hour cutting up and moving fallen trees off of our driveway, and now the shoveling has begun. I was out there doing it a while ago and started having flashbacks to last year... yeash. Of course, all of the kids are chomping at the bit to go out and play in the snow. Bummer for them, I'm Mom of the Year and can't seem to find any of the fucking snow clothes. SHIT!!! I'd better get back to it... I'm gonna have a mutiny on my hands. 


:0)
S

Damn... I LOVE YOU TO!!!

Holy fuckin shitballs Toni.... what IS it with you??? You make me laugh harder than anyone else on this planet. The simple fact that your sense of humor is every bit as demented as mine.... well, that warms the cockles of MY heart. :0) So, you wanna laugh? First of all, I'm hoping that between the gallons of tears and copious amounts of snot I produced this week, that maybe I lost a pound or two. Just curious... did you know that if you cry hard enough and you have your nose pierced, that snot will actually come out of that wee little hole? It's true!!! It's not like it pours out or anything, but it's there. Thought you might enjoy that thoroughly disgusting tidbit. ;-) Yes... I'm laughing as I relay this fabulous information. 


I DO enjoy the snow. Never thought I would, as I still consider myself a California girl too.... born & bred, and lived there til I was 27. Yep... the Cali blood runs thick in my veins. But there is something magical about the snow. As it falls, it's simply a stunningly beautiful thing to witness. Then, when everything is blanketed in it, the silence is surreal. And it's DAMN quiet where I live, so that's saying a lot. It DOES have it's drawbacks though. Here's a good example.... Ryan called tonight just after we finished dinner. He stopped on his way home to help several different people who had ended up in a ditch, and while he was helping them, a tree fell on and totalled his truck. Nice. The tow truck driver said he'd give him a ride, but ONLY as far as Waterford. That's great, but he lives another 10 minutes up the road, you stupid jack ass. When he called, he was standing outside in the middle of town, soaking wet, and asked if I could come pick him up. I didn't even hesitate. I jumped in the car, and promptly got stuck going up the hill on my own damn driveway. Meanwhile, Ryan called again to say that someone driving by took pity on the poor sap and offered him a ride home. Good. At least that problem was solved. Then I had to call Finn and ask him to come dig me out. It probably took a good hour to get my car back in front of my house. Fuck! Let me reiterate my prediction from my last post... no fucking WAY can they have school on Friday!!!! That little episode on the hill was just a teensy bit too similar to the hell I endured in the same fucking spot during last year's snowpocalypse. Fuck THAT.


So back to my sweet Finn and the incredible way he has continued to hold my hand through my neverending shit storm... he is SO thoughtful... SO concerned about me as I face each of these challenges... and SO supportive of me in every way. Truly, I have NO words. And I know it's hard for him too. He's heard plenty about David as I re-tell funny stories to the boys, and he's learned a lot from talking to them too. But mostly what he knows about David, is that he treated me like shit a fair amount of the time, that he cheated on me, walked out on our family, and fucked me over six ways to Sunday with the financial disaster he left behind. Frankly, he'd like to punch him in the fuckin mouth. He doesn't have a single shred of respect for the guy, and I don't blame him one bit. He has a hard time understanding how I can still have any positive or protective feelings of any kind about him. But the beautiful thing about this man, is that, even though he doesn't understand it, he loves and respects me enough to really BE there for me as I experience each of these horrendous steps. I can never predict how I'm going to feel once I'm actually IN a situation... whether it's going to court, fighting with the bank, meeting with an attorney, going through his personal belongings, or sitting in a meeting at SDSI. It's not until I'm IN the moment that I know how it will affect me. And yet, my Finn is always there... picking up the slack at home, taking care of all of the kids, tending to all of the animal duties, and always... WITHOUT FAIL... holding me, rocking me, wiping my tears and listening. I still don't know why I was so blessed to have him walk into my life, and I continue to find it hard to believe that HE would actually love ME. (That's the ol' lack o' self-esteem rearing it's ugly head.) He is so strong, so smart, so funny... a wonderful dad  who is sensitive and sweet and loving... and at the same time, a real man's man. He is DEFINITELY the MOST amazing man I've ever known. And it certainly doesn't hurt that he's 30, ripped, and has an ass like 2 scoops of butter pecan ice cream. 


Yeah.... I luvvves him REAL hawwwwwwward. :0)


xoxo
S

An evening quickie...

Hey monkeys... I only have a few minutes... about to get dinner on the table. After today's emotional upheaval, I took Rei out to get lunch and then we hit Wegmans. Unfortunately, the happy news we got at the urologist's office seemed to indicate to him that he was free to return to surly, bunghole teenager status. Nice. In the morning it was all mommy,  mommy... hug me... I'm scared. And he IMMEDIATELY flipped the switch to mouthy shithead. What the FUCK??? Luckily, I had let him stop to get a couple of movies at the Redbox, so when we got home he disappeared into the basement. 


By some MIRACLE, we arrived home just after the baby went to bed for his nap. You know what THAT means... nap time for Shan!!! What better gift after these past few horrendous days, than a yummy nap snuggled up to my sweet Finn. I can't even TELL you what an incredible source of support he has been... more on that later. As I told you earlier, today was a snow day off of school, but we really hadn't gotten much as of mid-afternoon. Well shit howdy... look at what we woke up to after our glorious nap.....

And these were taken at about 5:00!!! It has continued to snow like a beyotch.... meeee likey!!! They haven't called it yet, but there DEFINITELY won't be school tomorrow, and I'm thinking they may give us Friday as well. Finn just ran up to Lovettsville, and they haven't even TOUCHED Milltown yet, and it's a MAJOR road. Now we just need to cross our fingers that they close the park system tomorrow so he gets a free day off. I'm even feeling like I might be in the mood to bake!


Reilly... true to surly teenager form... is claiming to be PISSED that there's no school. Uh, no. What he's pissed about is that his social life is being SERIOUSLY impacted by the cancellation of some big basketball games. Boo fuckin hoo. If there was school, he'd be mad. Now there isn't school, so he's mad. Have I mentioned that 15 year old boys are dicks??? By the way... we were trying to come up with a new nickname for him... 3 ball.. tri-ball... you get the idea. I think Finn nailed it with his suggestion of Plus One... bwahahahahahahaaaaa!!!


Gots to get dinner on the table. I made pasta e fagioli soup and added some roasted garlic chicken sausage. Yummmmm. 


:0)
S
Very happy to be smiling again. 

FINALLY... a reason to thank God...

I can tell you this now, because it's over. On top of all the other stresses going on this week, we had a SERIOUS medical scare with Reilly. He told me on Sunday night that he has a nodule in one of his testicles. Oh. My. God. REALLY???? I tried to quash his fears by telling him how ridiculously rare it is for a teenager to get testicular cancer. His response? "Mom... Dad had a 75 year old man's cancer." True. Clearly, we've both been very nervous and thinking and worrying constantly. I told him that we shouldn't worry until we knew there was something to worry about, but I didn't exactly follow my own advice. Last night, after my horrendously emotional day, I sobbed and sobbed to my mom on the phone... while curled up in a ball on the floor of my closet. Is it any wonder that I haven't slept but a handful of hours in the past few days??? 


We had an appointment at 9:15 this morning with Reilly's doctor, but we woke up to a snow day and I was afraid they would cancel. Luckily, Dr. Reilly... yes, that IS her name... made it in to the office. She's been seeing Rei since he was 2 and we've always had a special relationship with her. This was the first time we'd seen her since David died, and she couldn't have been lovlier. Knowing how stricken with fear we were because of our cancer history, coupled with the fact that she TOO is a cancer survivor, made her even more attentive and vigilant. After examining him, she decided that he needed to be seen by a urologist. She called a colleague, told him our story, and he said to come right over. He had a waiting room full of patients, but took us in right away. The greatest news EVER???? It's NOT cancer!!! He's got something referred to as a 'testicular mouse'. It's a totally benign calcification that will be there forever. There are no side-effects, it doesn't cause him pain, and there's nothing we need to do about it. I can finally say the words... THANK GOD.


The best part of it being a snow day is that it was too dangerous for Finn to leave at 4:30 this morning, so he's home for the day. :0) Rei and I are going to stop at Wegman's for some goodies on the way home. 


More later...
S

One word... BRUTAL...

           

Yep. This is what I look like after spending the afternoon participating in the dissolution of my former husband's company... his dream... his vision. It's over. Finished. SDSI is no more. It feels like yet another death. Another giant piece of my previous life... gone... evaporated. It seemed almost cruel to hold the meeting in the company's conference room. It felt disrespectful to me. It should have been somewhere else. I don't know how to explain it. I was fine. I was solid. I was ready. That is, until the moment I sat at that table and the meeting commenced. I began shaking... crying... not out loud, but the tears just POURED from my eyes. It was all so formal... so legal. Clearly, I've never been part of the corporate world, so it was all new to me. Agendas, slides, proposals, tele-conferencing. It was surreal. On the phone were SDSI's attorney Arthur, Steve (David's founding partner) and his attorney. After going through all of the documents, the financials, etc., the very first thing we had to vote on was whether or not to dissolve the company. Once the formal motion was proposed and seconded, I fell apart. The sobs came in earnest and my attorney Dan asked to speak to me in the hall. He wanted to know what I planned to do. How would I vote? My shares alone held enough weight to swing the vote. But here's the thing... if the motion for dissolution hadn't passed, the next step would be declaring bankruptcy for SDSI. I didn't want that. I didn't want that for David. I didn't want his professional name sullied by a bankruptcy. At the same time, I did NOT want to actively participate in shutting it down. In the end, I did vote for dissolution. But I also had it formally entered on the record that I did not WANT to vote that way... that I was horribly saddened to see it come to this... that David would be incredibly disappointed in the colleagues who had let him down... and that the ONLY reason I had voted that way, was because I didn't believe it was in anyone's best interest to enter into a lengthy, expensive legal process. 


Several people walked out of that meeting with substantial sums of cash. The others are to be determined later, after liquidation of the company assets and repayment of their debts. Even when it's all said and done... in 60 to 90 days...personally, I will receive nothing. At his death, David's shares became property of his estate. That means that any cash value they end up having will go to the estate as well. As his estate administrator, I had to set up an estate account at the bank. So that's where the money will go, and his creditors can have at it. In theory, once all of his debts are repaid, I would get the rest of the money. Too bad for me, there won't even be enough to pay off everything he owed. Great.


It was a very long, incredibly difficult day. I feel like my heart broke a little bit more... more grieving to do. The loss of the dream... of everything that could have been. 


I'm so tired. More to say... but can't. 

Fuck...

I think my new photo and layout pretty much say it all. Feeling a bit sad, extremely pissed and in a very dark place. I don't really even know what to say. I'm sitting here watching the clock, knowing that in less than an hour, I'll be face to face with Hank and Mike. I'd love to know how they'll be able to look themselves in the mirror after they do this. What am I saying??? They've already done it. I looked up SDSI's website a few minutes ago to get the office address. I've only been to the new office a few times, and they were all within a couple weeks of David's death, so I can't remember where it is. The website is ALREADY DOWN. I haven't searched for it in eons... I wonder when they pulled it. Fucking disgusting, filthy rat bastards.

My attorney is well known to be a giant prick. I sure hope he has the opportunity to show them a bit of that today. It's not like it'll get me anywhere, but I'd LOVE to see them squirm. I'm also curious to see what they've done with everything in David's office. They probably had some junk company come in and shit can it all. I'm REALLY hoping that's not the case. I took all of his personal things out of there in July, but there were literally hundreds of notebooks... all handwritten codes, plans and ideas that David had worked on over the years. He was SERIOUSLY OCD when it came to work stuff. Actually, he was like that with a lot of things. He'd get interested in something and bam... he had to research it to the nth degree, get every book written on the subject, and completely immerse himself in it. For a few weeks anyway... then he'd be on to something else. He was never content.... never able to just BE. He had to know more, have more, do more. I find that very sad. It's something he struggled with his entire life, and it's something that Reilly and I discuss often. Of course it's important to always be open to learning new things and having new experiences, but it's CRITICAL to be able to just stop... to enjoy where you are... what you have ... what you do.... who you are. David never got there, and it makes me sad for him. 

No worries about me trying to channel my anger about yesterday's events and bring them to the meeting. That's a done deal. I'm so fucking pissed and disgusted at these 'people'... they're lucky I don't own a gun. 

I guess I'm also feeling pretty sad... sad for David. It would break his heart to see the careless way that these men... who he held in such high esteem... have treated his dream... his vision. I don't know how they sleep at night. 

S

Some days my life is just a dirty bitch whore.

Yeah... and today was most DEFINITELY one of those. Have you ANY IDEA how fucking hard I worked to master that job??? And I fuckin ROCKED IT.. within DAYS. I have been a sobbing mess off and on since 2:00. Alternately sad and despondent, and then completely enraged. What a fuckin PUSSY that doc is... a spineless, gutless weasel. He knew what he was going to do to me ALL god damned day. I know this because he had my final check printed out and sealed in an envelope. You know what REALLY pisses me off? That losing a part time job that paid me mere pennies can make me feel like such shit. But I loved it there... it was fun & I was good at it.

It just feels like I'm NEVER going to pull out of this. It's not 2 steps forward & 3 steps back... it's more like 2 steps forward & 10 MILES back. What the FUCK??? Every single time I spy a glimmer of hope... every time I get back to a place where I'm even starting to focus on the positive, or starting to be able to pray... another giant landmine explodes in my face.

I am SO OVER all of this drama. I want normal. I want routine. I want boring. It's a damn good thing I have my Finn & these 4 kids... otherwise, you can bet your sweet ass that I would have finally eaten that bullet.

And tomorrow? Face to face with MORE gutless weasels at SDSI. Awesome. I can't wait.

God must REALLY hate me.

I just lost my job. No... I'm not kidding. The doc calls me in 5 minutes before my shift is over & tells me my position is being "eliminated". I thought he was joking. The office manager is going on maternity leave & the doc's wife is taking over... he claims she won't need my help. Awesome. It's not like Val JUST got pregnant... He only hired me a few weeks ago. He said it wasn't me... that I did a great job... he'd ask around the dental community... blah blah blah. Whatever. Smells fishy to me. No notice, just don't come back. SO glad I invested in all of the scrubs. This makes me feel just FAB about myself.

What next God? By the way... You're an ASSHOLE.

S

Another day...

It's getting harder and harder to write with no responses. I'm already struggling with feeling alone and the lack of comments just underscores that. Not trying to heap guilt... just telling you how I feel. I don't really even know what to say this morning... feeling pretty blah. You'd think I'd be used to it. 


The boys had a great time last night. I spent most of my time over there crying. I know... stupid. But sometimes the tears just come, and there's not a fuckin thing I can do about it. I guess it started while I was talking to Tim, the host. He was telling me how much they enjoyed having Reilly over last week, what a great kid he is, etc. Hearing those things is an incredible gift, especially since I'm so worried about the kid. We talked a lot about the boys and the impact of losing their dad. It makes me SO fucking pissed that these boys will have to deal with this shit every single day for the rest of their lives. No... they won't always be sad or depressed or acting out... but they will ALWAYS miss him. There will ALWAYS be that void that can never be filled. I was reading an article written by a teen on hellogrief.org, and she had a really interesting way to describe it. She said losing her dad is like losing a piece of the puzzle of her life. The puzzle will continue to grow and change... there will be new pieces, new memories... but he won't be a part of those. THAT piece... the DAD piece... will always be missing. She's absolutely right, and I fucking HATE that. 


Time for me to go work my ass of for 39 cents. Better hop to it. 


S

Going solo is SO not my gig...

We're over at our friend's house... which is BEYOND spectacular, by the way. And when I say 'we', I mean just the boys et moi. Fuck. We found out AFTER K left that Leighanna had an asthma attack last night and another one today. And oopsie doodle... the idiot 'forgot' to bring her child's medication home with her from Pennsylvania. So Finn had to pile the kids in the car and drive to Frederick to refill her prescription. So here I sit... alone. I had a wee panic attack before we left home. It's very hard to explain, but there's a 'widow effect' that surrounds me like a fog. It doesn't even matter that we weren't together. All people know is that I HAD a husband, and now he's dead. Most people steer a WIDE path around me because of that. There are quite a few people here. Most of them don't even know me.... but they KNOW. It's the ol' DH scarlet letters on my sweater... Dead Husband... word travels fast in a rural community like ours. It would be so much easier if I had my Finn by my side. I hate this. I wish I could just go home and come back for the boys later, but methinks that would be pretty rude. Oh well... a couple more hours of feeling WILDLY uncomfortable in my own skin, and I'll finally be able to get the fuck outta here. I wish I could enjoy being in a social situation, but it's just not in the cards. At least not for today.

I say again... Fuck.

S

I TOLD you she's a jack-ass!

Yep.... 3:30 this afternoon the little ones arrived back home from their mom's. Nice. She didn't even meet us on Friday night until after 7. Don't get me wrong... I luvves my lil peeps and enjoy having them here. However, when they are here, everything is different... mostly because of Jayden. He's only 2 1/2 and is in a SERIOUSLY clingy stage. That means Finn can't really accomplish much while Jayjoe's awake. He's been working CONSTANTLY on that jeep since we got back on Friday night. He's dealing with tools, chemicals, paint... all kinds of nasty shiz that makes it too dangerous for Jayden to be out in the garage with him. And as far as Jayjoe's concerned, if he knows Daddy is outside and is told he CAN'T go out to be with him... ruh roh.... that is NO BUENO!!! Finn was hoping to get the rest of the body painted before they got home. Bummer. Now he won't be able to get back to it until after the kiddo's bed time. Fuck! We wants to SELL that bitch... YESTERDAY!!!


We've been invited over to some friend's for a bonfire tonight... the fam damily with 10 kids. Love them and love a good bonfire, but it's in the teens outside... and the sun is still up!!! I'm hoping they have a really big picture window and that we can all enjoy the bonfire from inside the house. If not... I don't think we'll last 10 minutes. Seriously. It's that cold. Reilly and Rory are both chomping at the bit to get over there. Reilly is super tight with Julia who is a sophomore, and Rory is buds with their kindergartener, Barrett. I hope they can run around like nut jobs for a while and then collapse at bed time. Fingers crossed!!!!


I did a BUNCH of research today on advertiser 'affiliate programs'. These would be the kind of ads where I'd get a percentage of any sale made when the buyer gets to the seller's website through my site. The cool thing is that I get to hand pick the companies that are posted. I chose a  good number of them today, and only selected stores and products that I use and believe in. For example, Old Navy, The Gap, Skechers, Philosophy, Weight Watchers, Apple, etc. There are THOUSANDS of companies listed, so It'll take a while to sift through all of them. Now that my site has been 'approved', I just have to figure out how to funnel the ads directly to it. This is the tricky part for me, as I'm still a computer 'tard. 


I'd better scram... I've got pink dye in my hair & it's past time to rinse it out. I'm SO bummed that it's Sunday... wish we had one more weekend day. :(


xoxo
S


*Feed your soul.*
*Believe you are worthy of the love being showered upon you.*
-Me

Hmmmmm.... Velllly Intelllllesting...

Howdy... so I'M still figuring out this whole site too. I just learned that there is a spam folder, and sometimes blogger will send one of your comments there, rather than posting it. There were only 2 comments in there though, but I 'unflagged' them which is supposed to help blogger get the memo about what is and isn't spam. I also came across a few comments that I hadn't caught before. Weird! I check on the stupid thing a hundred times a day! I wanted to point out one that Bonnie wrote, since there seem to be so many people having trouble with this damn thing. She said, "I have discovered that if I sign in BEFORE I try to post, my comment goes through the first time. If I'm not signed in, it takes 3 times before it gives me the option to sign in, in order to post." VERY good tip Miss Bon Bon!!! Thanks! One of the other comments I had missed was the one relating to the ads. Yes, you are correct. All you have to do is click on an ad... no need to BUY anything. I'm still doing research, as there are also ads designated as 'pay per view', which means I'd get a hit every time someone reads a post. Now THAT could actually generate some passive income! I also have to tell you Miss Bon Bon, that YOU mean the world to me TOO!!! Along with all of the pain, sadness and destruction cancer has brought, it has also given me many gifts... the most important of which are the friendships that have been re-ignited and are now stronger than ever. I absolutely LOVE that I've gotten to know you so well through our postings, and I love learning all about the girls, Manny, and your everyday lives. And the same goes for ALL of my peeps who post regularly and let me peek in the window of your lives. It's an incredible thing, to bear witness to other human beings journeys on this earth. So thank you for opening yourselves up and sharing. I love it!!!


Speaking of how close I've become to so many friends, new and old, as well as, family that I never had the opportunity to speak to every day.... And seriously, who lives their life publicly like this sharing every minute detail of the day? Anyhoo, the point is that I miss home and all of my Cali peeps more than you could ever imagine. We all know that I'm not exactly rollin' in the dough, and I don't think a trip home is in the cards for this summer. :( But I DO have a proposal.... howz about a KD Reunion on the east coast??? I seem to remember those bitches Beth & Robin promising to come visit, like LAST February. Dirty whores!!! Whatcha doin? Busy living your own lives??? Pffffffftttt! I propose a group trip out east. We could stay here at my house, rent a cabin in the woods or on a lake... whatever. And that shit is CHEAP out here! I know, it sounds like a fairly radical idea, but don't just dismiss it... it could turn into something FAB!!! Seriously think about it, pleeeeez?!?!?!?!


I'm definitely getting bummed by the lack of posted comments. I hope it's just a matter of this site being a pain in the ass, but whatever it is, I MISS you monkeys!!! PLEASE drop me a note!


I guess I'd better hit it. It's 2:50 a.m. Don't aske me why I'm up, cuz I won't tell ya anyway! Boom chicka wow wow....  ;-)


Toodles...
S


***One smile can begin a friendship.***
***See how right you are inside.***
***Speak the right words."
    -Instant Karma