It's getting harder and harder to write with no responses. I'm already struggling with feeling alone and the lack of comments just underscores that. Not trying to heap guilt... just telling you how I feel. I don't really even know what to say this morning... feeling pretty blah. You'd think I'd be used to it.
The boys had a great time last night. I spent most of my time over there crying. I know... stupid. But sometimes the tears just come, and there's not a fuckin thing I can do about it. I guess it started while I was talking to Tim, the host. He was telling me how much they enjoyed having Reilly over last week, what a great kid he is, etc. Hearing those things is an incredible gift, especially since I'm so worried about the kid. We talked a lot about the boys and the impact of losing their dad. It makes me SO fucking pissed that these boys will have to deal with this shit every single day for the rest of their lives. No... they won't always be sad or depressed or acting out... but they will ALWAYS miss him. There will ALWAYS be that void that can never be filled. I was reading an article written by a teen on hellogrief.org, and she had a really interesting way to describe it. She said losing her dad is like losing a piece of the puzzle of her life. The puzzle will continue to grow and change... there will be new pieces, new memories... but he won't be a part of those. THAT piece... the DAD piece... will always be missing. She's absolutely right, and I fucking HATE that.
Time for me to go work my ass of for 39 cents. Better hop to it.
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
The fact that people can see what a great kid Reilly is a testament to YOU and YOUR parenting! YOU are doing an amazing job with your boys.
ReplyDeleteAs far as comments, I know people are reading but I guess they just don't always know what to say. Please don't let it make you feel alone. Your peeps are all still out there and thinking of you all the time.
aot
r~
Hey sweets! I don't post near enough but I so related to your post today I wanted you to know you're not alone. I woke up with that blah feeling and struggle to go to work. I took a HUGE pay cut (like $10/hour) last year after getting laid off. I really enjoy the company I work for but when I look at my paycheck every other week I feel myself constantly saying "REALLY??" But every little bit helps!
ReplyDeleteHey, you remember my Pawpa right? Well, please keep him in your prayers. He's 94 and it looks like he is nearing the end of his incredible life. We are all praying he doesn't linger as he's just not here with us anymore. My mom says she is ok with it...but I'm keeping in close contact with her and my dad too.
Anyhoozit...I know in my heart that someday we're gonna sit together and just talk for hours. Love you tons!
Mer
Sorry I was awol this weekend. Wyffel cousins visiting from Oregon. You are right....it is a bit barren in the comment department. We are listening....
ReplyDeleteI am not as creative as you with word wit. That is a perk from reading your site. Hollywood Elaine is a great blogger; like you.
Don't give up on us. One day you will have plenty of comments to look through. This is your therapy...keep it up.
Love you SO much!
AN