Holy fuckin shitballs Toni.... what IS it with you??? You make me laugh harder than anyone else on this planet. The simple fact that your sense of humor is every bit as demented as mine.... well, that warms the cockles of MY heart. :0) So, you wanna laugh? First of all, I'm hoping that between the gallons of tears and copious amounts of snot I produced this week, that maybe I lost a pound or two. Just curious... did you know that if you cry hard enough and you have your nose pierced, that snot will actually come out of that wee little hole? It's true!!! It's not like it pours out or anything, but it's there. Thought you might enjoy that thoroughly disgusting tidbit. ;-) Yes... I'm laughing as I relay this fabulous information.
I DO enjoy the snow. Never thought I would, as I still consider myself a California girl too.... born & bred, and lived there til I was 27. Yep... the Cali blood runs thick in my veins. But there is something magical about the snow. As it falls, it's simply a stunningly beautiful thing to witness. Then, when everything is blanketed in it, the silence is surreal. And it's DAMN quiet where I live, so that's saying a lot. It DOES have it's drawbacks though. Here's a good example.... Ryan called tonight just after we finished dinner. He stopped on his way home to help several different people who had ended up in a ditch, and while he was helping them, a tree fell on and totalled his truck. Nice. The tow truck driver said he'd give him a ride, but ONLY as far as Waterford. That's great, but he lives another 10 minutes up the road, you stupid jack ass. When he called, he was standing outside in the middle of town, soaking wet, and asked if I could come pick him up. I didn't even hesitate. I jumped in the car, and promptly got stuck going up the hill on my own damn driveway. Meanwhile, Ryan called again to say that someone driving by took pity on the poor sap and offered him a ride home. Good. At least that problem was solved. Then I had to call Finn and ask him to come dig me out. It probably took a good hour to get my car back in front of my house. Fuck! Let me reiterate my prediction from my last post... no fucking WAY can they have school on Friday!!!! That little episode on the hill was just a teensy bit too similar to the hell I endured in the same fucking spot during last year's snowpocalypse. Fuck THAT.
So back to my sweet Finn and the incredible way he has continued to hold my hand through my neverending shit storm... he is SO thoughtful... SO concerned about me as I face each of these challenges... and SO supportive of me in every way. Truly, I have NO words. And I know it's hard for him too. He's heard plenty about David as I re-tell funny stories to the boys, and he's learned a lot from talking to them too. But mostly what he knows about David, is that he treated me like shit a fair amount of the time, that he cheated on me, walked out on our family, and fucked me over six ways to Sunday with the financial disaster he left behind. Frankly, he'd like to punch him in the fuckin mouth. He doesn't have a single shred of respect for the guy, and I don't blame him one bit. He has a hard time understanding how I can still have any positive or protective feelings of any kind about him. But the beautiful thing about this man, is that, even though he doesn't understand it, he loves and respects me enough to really BE there for me as I experience each of these horrendous steps. I can never predict how I'm going to feel once I'm actually IN a situation... whether it's going to court, fighting with the bank, meeting with an attorney, going through his personal belongings, or sitting in a meeting at SDSI. It's not until I'm IN the moment that I know how it will affect me. And yet, my Finn is always there... picking up the slack at home, taking care of all of the kids, tending to all of the animal duties, and always... WITHOUT FAIL... holding me, rocking me, wiping my tears and listening. I still don't know why I was so blessed to have him walk into my life, and I continue to find it hard to believe that HE would actually love ME. (That's the ol' lack o' self-esteem rearing it's ugly head.) He is so strong, so smart, so funny... a wonderful dad who is sensitive and sweet and loving... and at the same time, a real man's man. He is DEFINITELY the MOST amazing man I've ever known. And it certainly doesn't hurt that he's 30, ripped, and has an ass like 2 scoops of butter pecan ice cream.
Yeah.... I luvvves him REAL hawwwwwwward. :0)
xoxo
S
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
When you go on interviews, please make sure to de-crust the nose-piercing. Save that for when you have company over. Everyone loves a "stupid party trick." If you get really good at it, maybe you can shoot things your drinking out of your piercing! If you stood in a bucket of water and shot water out your nose, you'd be a living fountain. Put that on You-Tube and I am sure you would be a web sensation overnight! T.
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