I can tell you this now, because it's over. On top of all the other stresses going on this week, we had a SERIOUS medical scare with Reilly. He told me on Sunday night that he has a nodule in one of his testicles. Oh. My. God. REALLY???? I tried to quash his fears by telling him how ridiculously rare it is for a teenager to get testicular cancer. His response? "Mom... Dad had a 75 year old man's cancer." True. Clearly, we've both been very nervous and thinking and worrying constantly. I told him that we shouldn't worry until we knew there was something to worry about, but I didn't exactly follow my own advice. Last night, after my horrendously emotional day, I sobbed and sobbed to my mom on the phone... while curled up in a ball on the floor of my closet. Is it any wonder that I haven't slept but a handful of hours in the past few days???
We had an appointment at 9:15 this morning with Reilly's doctor, but we woke up to a snow day and I was afraid they would cancel. Luckily, Dr. Reilly... yes, that IS her name... made it in to the office. She's been seeing Rei since he was 2 and we've always had a special relationship with her. This was the first time we'd seen her since David died, and she couldn't have been lovlier. Knowing how stricken with fear we were because of our cancer history, coupled with the fact that she TOO is a cancer survivor, made her even more attentive and vigilant. After examining him, she decided that he needed to be seen by a urologist. She called a colleague, told him our story, and he said to come right over. He had a waiting room full of patients, but took us in right away. The greatest news EVER???? It's NOT cancer!!! He's got something referred to as a 'testicular mouse'. It's a totally benign calcification that will be there forever. There are no side-effects, it doesn't cause him pain, and there's nothing we need to do about it. I can finally say the words... THANK GOD.
The best part of it being a snow day is that it was too dangerous for Finn to leave at 4:30 this morning, so he's home for the day. :0) Rei and I are going to stop at Wegman's for some goodies on the way home.
More later...
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
Hey Ms. Shamazing;
ReplyDeleteYes, you continue to amaze me. I know it puts you through the wringer everytime; everyday. This is fantastic news about Reilly. The poor kid was scared out of his mind. Now you and Reilly have (should have) a day to rest. Take a big fat nap and snuggle. There is a lot of pressure to take care of yourself ~ Those boys need you and they need you HEALTHY! So ~~~ get to gettin' ~~~~ Have a wind down week.
xoxox
Auntie Nut
Glad you are feeling better! T.
ReplyDeletePraise God that you had some great news today! Enjoy the snow day with Finn and the kids. Go crazy, go wild, have fun...even if it is a day to curl up in your PJ's and nap. Push all the bad stuff out and relax and enjoy the day.
ReplyDeleteLove Helen
WOOHOOO!!! I'm so happy for you & Rei!! What a relief!
ReplyDeleteLove you bunches!
Mer
I knew something good was happening by the colors on your blog. THANK GOD it's nothing. I totally get what you were feeling. We seem to have a good cancer scare with Richard Brett every couple years and I swear it sucks the life out of me and shaves years off of my live. I know we will always live with this fear because of his genetics (mutated WT1 gene in all his cells...it's the tumor supressor gene) he is prone to secondary cancers, leukemia and even benign growths. Because of this same gene, he also has urinary issues that are a whole other story and are no fun.
ReplyDeleteSo glad Reilly is ok. I can't imagine how scared he was too and he was probably trying to hold it together for your sake!
aot
r~