Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

28 January 2011

Friday....

Hey noodles.... success! A full night's sleep, SANS nightmares... ahhhhhh. Thanks for the kudos on the jeep Miss Bobbin. Yepsk... my guy is AMAZING! And he SHOULD run his own damn shop! As far as being cold in the garage... more good news in the 'crazy David expenditures' department. At some point he purchased a couple of GINORMOUS kerosene heaters. Just one of 'em keeps it DANG toasty in there. Good thing, cuz there's no fuckin way he could work out there in this weather... his fingers would snap off! Reilly would never say anything to his face, but he is MUCHO impressed at Finn's mechanic & auto body skills. He says all kinds of nice things about him to me, but he's still playing 'tough guy' to Finn. He'll be cozyin' up to him soon though.... he's ALL about fixing up our old farm truck to eventually be his. It will be a great first car... it's a 1986 Ford F150, but it only has 55k miles on it. Finn says the engine is fab and will run forever, it just needs some work here and there. Reilly is CONVINCED that he'll be getting his driver's permit come April 25th.... yeah... we'll see. He hasn't quite gotten the memo yet that it's NOT a right... it's a PRIVILEGE. I've told him repeatedly that not only does he have to maintain spectacular grades, he has to keep his living areas clean and free of funk, he has to be helpful around the house, and he has to participate in our family in a positive way. That also includes NOT calling his mother a bitch, asshole, whore, or any of his other favorite terms of endearment for me, and NOT torturing his brother, physically or emotionally. Between you and me, I'm thinking it'll be a while before he gets that permit. We'll see. 


I thought I'd share a couple of pics I took at SDSI the other day. I can't begin to tell you how surreal it was to be there. Surreal, uncomfortable and very, very sad. I am happy to report that David's office had remained untouched. I filled a couple of boxes with all of his notebooks.... book after book full of equations, ideas and plans for the company's future. VERY hard to see his handwriting... I'm not sure why.  I also took all of the technical books that had his name written on them. Reilly is starting to express great interest in going into engineering, so I thought it would be cool to have some of his dad's books for him. Everything is still in my car... haven't been able to bring myself to take out the boxes yet. Why are such little tasks like that SO huge and SO difficult?


 Plaque at the entry to the office.
 He was SO proud when they moved into this suite of offices last February.
 It had BETTER be gorgeous... 100k in rent per year.
 D's office as he left it... never had a chance to unpack his boxes.
Can you SEE these equations??? Yeah... he was fucking brilliant.

Tough to see those... what a waste. I'm glad to have the pictures though.... something for the boys to hang on to. I think it'll be nice to see actual evidence of the successful company that their dad built.

I guess I have to take advantage of this snow day to actually clean. Eew. Not really how I want to spend my time, but I suppose I should do something productive. One happy note relating to the snow.... I've been able to let all 4 dogs out back to run. It makes me so happy to see all of them out there playing together. I HATE that I have to tether Lola & Chloe because of my cum bubble neighbors. The hard part is getting Chloe to come back in!

Looks like I'll be perusing the job listings again today too. I STILL can't believe the way that doc let me go... that was like a professional hit. Seriously.... TOTAL Soprano style.... didn't see that shit coming. What a complete douche. 

The front yard yesterday morning.... so beautiful and peaceful. :0)

Happy Friday... hope you have a nice weekend. 

Smooches....
S

***Take an active, positive role in healing your own mind, body and spirit.***
***Look for the light at the end of the tunnel.***
***Treat yourself kindly.***
    -Instant Karma
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1 comment:

  1. BonnieFriday, January 28, 2011 11:36:00 AM

    Hi Honey....
    Beautiful picture of your front yard. It's like a postcard.
    So glad you took those pictures of SDSI and David's whiteboard, etc. I think those will be treasures for the boys.
    I'm so impressed with the work Finn is doing on the Jeep. Dang, I wish you guys lived closer. I have wanted a Jeep since I was a kid! My aunt bought one a few years ago (as a second car) and hardly drives it. She recently started thinking about getting rid of it but then she told my cousin that she thought she'd hang on to it for my daughters! That would be awesome!! Although I'm not sure that it would be the safest car for them to drive in the beginning.
    Love the new look to your blog! Great colors!! (Although my old eyes have a hard time reading if you type in yellow! lol!!)
    Love ya mucho!!!
    Bon

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