Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

25 January 2011

Fuck...



I think my new photo and layout pretty much say it all. Feeling a bit sad, extremely pissed and in a very dark place. I don't really even know what to say. I'm sitting here watching the clock, knowing that in less than an hour, I'll be face to face with Hank and Mike. I'd love to know how they'll be able to look themselves in the mirror after they do this. What am I saying??? They've already done it. I looked up SDSI's website a few minutes ago to get the office address. I've only been to the new office a few times, and they were all within a couple weeks of David's death, so I can't remember where it is. The website is ALREADY DOWN. I haven't searched for it in eons... I wonder when they pulled it. Fucking disgusting, filthy rat bastards.

My attorney is well known to be a giant prick. I sure hope he has the opportunity to show them a bit of that today. It's not like it'll get me anywhere, but I'd LOVE to see them squirm. I'm also curious to see what they've done with everything in David's office. They probably had some junk company come in and shit can it all. I'm REALLY hoping that's not the case. I took all of his personal things out of there in July, but there were literally hundreds of notebooks... all handwritten codes, plans and ideas that David had worked on over the years. He was SERIOUSLY OCD when it came to work stuff. Actually, he was like that with a lot of things. He'd get interested in something and bam... he had to research it to the nth degree, get every book written on the subject, and completely immerse himself in it. For a few weeks anyway... then he'd be on to something else. He was never content.... never able to just BE. He had to know more, have more, do more. I find that very sad. It's something he struggled with his entire life, and it's something that Reilly and I discuss often. Of course it's important to always be open to learning new things and having new experiences, but it's CRITICAL to be able to just stop... to enjoy where you are... what you have ... what you do.... who you are. David never got there, and it makes me sad for him. 

No worries about me trying to channel my anger about yesterday's events and bring them to the meeting. That's a done deal. I'm so fucking pissed and disgusted at these 'people'... they're lucky I don't own a gun. 

I guess I'm also feeling pretty sad... sad for David. It would break his heart to see the careless way that these men... who he held in such high esteem... have treated his dream... his vision. I don't know how they sleep at night. 

S
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4 comments:

  1. BonnieTuesday, January 25, 2011 3:46:00 PM

    You might be flipping me off but I actually like the picture!! :)

    Sorry I have been missing for a few days. I am in the middle of the super busy time of the year when I'm dealing with player agent shit for our softball league. Do you realize that my daughter's are no longer in this league but no one will take over this job?! I don't blame them...it's literally like a full time job for a few months with no pay and no benefits! But I can't just walk away and leave all the girls hanging with no one to do this. I feel like playing softball gives the girls in our community something positive to do. So I keep doing it.
    Anyhow, my point being that I just haven't had a chance to get on your site (honestly I'm still finding it so hard to navigate from my phone that I have to wait until I can spend a few free minutes on my home computer). And I have no time to read the posts from your peeps which makes me sad because I like reading what everyone has to say!
    I am soooo shocked about your job loss. It does sound fishy...very bizarre!! That's just messed up, Shan!!
    I hope today goes ok with SDSI. I will be anxious to hear what the results are.
    I'm sorry to run but I have a million things to get done :(
    Love ya, honey!!
    xoxox's,
    Bon

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  2. ~Mom~Tuesday, January 25, 2011 5:00:00 PM

    So glad you aren't alone.

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  3. Have2CruiseTuesday, January 25, 2011 6:22:00 PM

    Hey Miss Sunshine!
    Sorry to hear that things are in the crapper. I hope this evening you can sock it to those at SDSI whoa re trying to shut the doors. Hopefully you as majority shareholder can demand a few things and maybe even fire Hank! Now that would be brilliant!! I read your comment about the website being closed down so went to check again as I was on there a few days ago and it is still up and running as www.sdsi.net Here's my question for them..if they are going to be closing the doors why do they have job openings posted on the website? One of them wasn't there a few days ago when I checked it out, so they are still looking for people. Really makes me wonder if Hank wants to close the doors on SDSI so you get cut out of the picture and if he has another company that will pick up where SDSI leaves off. Basically he is screwing you so hope you and your lawyer can screw his butt to the wall. I would demand a financial audit of the company to see where all the funding has gone that was paid out from all the work that David got for the company. My suspicion would be is that Hank is funneling the funds to another account to start up the new business that would be Shannon free! Guess he picked the wrong woman to mess with!! :)

    Sorry to hear about the job situation too. That totally sucks! Not sure what recourse you could have there since you are part-time. But you rocked those scrubs!! Hopefully something else will come up where you can rock out the scrubs again. At least you have some work experience to put on your resume.

    I pray that things turn around for you soon and that all this crap will hurry up and resolve itself and go away.

    Sending you mega HUGS

    Love Helen

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  4. RobinTuesday, January 25, 2011 7:35:00 PM

    Yes...a very appropriate photo indeed :(

    thinking of you today and praying something good comes out of it.

    aot

    r~

    ReplyDelete

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