Friday nights are lonely!

Wazzup nuggets? I'm not a big fan of Friday nights around here... everyone hits the sack so early that I end up being awake by myself for hours... not good. Poor Roy gets up so early and has to work so hard that he's completely used up by Friday. It won't be getting any better either.... starting Monday, he has to be at work a half hour earlier. That means he's up at 4 a.m. Gross. True, he'll finish 30 minutes earlier too, but that's not much help. And that'll be his schedule until the end of October. Fuck.... I just wish he'd get a new job opportunity. He's applied almost as much as I have, and this guy's got talent! There's nothing he can't do!!! If just one of these morons would take the time to meet him for even 5 minutes, they'd hire him on the spot. Guaranteed. The absolute best case scenario would be if we both got on with Loudoun County Public Schools. With the kind of luck I have though, I'm not gonna hold my breath. 


We did attempt a fun family night this evening... originally we were planning to take the kids to the park & have a picnic. The weather turned really chilly by late afternoon though, so that was out. By the way, yesterday (and the couple of previous days) it was so fucking humid that I had the air on. Got to leave the windows open today & then had to turn the heat back on tonight... WTF??? Anyhoo, I went & got a pizza at Andy's and we put on Home Alone. I've seen it a zillion times, but it always makes me laugh out loud. Roy was sound asleep about 30 minutes in, and Leilei followed shortly after that. Rory, Jayden & I were the only ones who made it til the end! Got everyone tucked in for our big morning tomorrow.... Rory & Leilei's first soccer game. It should be their third, but the first two were cancelled because of rain. Rory is pretty sad that Rei won't be there... he's off at the TSA National Competition for the weekend. They ended up being at school until 2:40 this morning getting everything ready for their booth. Then they had to check in at the conference by 9 this morning... better them than me! I'm sure they all passed out as soon as today's events were finished, as I haven't heard a word from them. I'll be interested to talk to him tomorrow & hear what it's like. It's just up the road in Chantilly, so I can pop over there if he wants me to come check it out. I'm fairly certain that he's happy to be rid of me for a few days though... we definitely needed a break from each other. It's pretty hard to raise a kid who already thinks he's a man, especially when the man he needs most is no longer. Rory talked a lot about daddy last night. I can't even remember what he said, but it made me cry. 


One of the things I planned to do this week was call NOVA... the local community college system... and make an appointment with a counselor. Did I do it? No. Just couldn't. I'll try again on Monday. Summer classes start in a couple weeks and I was thinking I could maybe try to do one online course... just to see how it goes. Even if I got into the nursing program, it would take 3 years of a full class schedule for me to get my RN since I have to re-take so many classes that I already passed in ye olde days. Knowing that, it's hard to focus on the end-game. My life without school is still so day by day right now, and if I ever... by some miracle... find some shmuck to give me a job, it'll take that much longer. That's why I'm thinking one class at a time. Hmmmm.... since I can't even make the fucking call to the counselor, that's probably a good plan!!! 


Do you realize that he died 10 months ago today? 10 MONTHS.... will this ever get easier???


Later peeps.
S

Fuck

It's a spectacularly beautiful day... just perfect... bright & sunny, yet crisp and cool with a little breeze. I hate that I can't just enjoy it, as I continue to be mired in shit. Saw the psych yesterday. FYI... with no insurance it was $118 for a 20 minute visit. Great. I completely fell apart in his office. He told me that it's clear to him that I'm being crushed by the weight of the stress stemming from all of the death business that remains... namely, the house. No shit. He thinks I should do whatever is necessary to unload it and move... now. I'm not an idiot. I realize that I can't afford to stay there. But move NOW??? Are you KIDDING?? The simple thought of HAVING to move makes me physically sick. I was crying and/or on the verge of throwing up for the rest of the day. Even if I could afford to buy something else... which I can't... the act of moving causes me such incredible anxiety that I become all but catatonic. That's ONE thing that David always handled. Even when we moved cross-country, he drove the animals to Virginia & stayed in our empty new house for 2 weeks until the Navy delivered our stuff. Then Reilly & I flew in. And it was never about me being a princess or anything, it just caused me such off-the-charts anxiety that he knew it was best for him to just handle it. The mere THOUGHT of prepping the house to sell has me reeling.

It's times like this when I wish I was stronger. It would be fantastic if I could just go, 'okay... time to move... no biggie... I'll make it happen.' Sadly, that's not me. :( So here I am again.... I don't know what the fuck to do.

Trying something new...

Hey doodles. If you don't hear from me for a while, it's because I washed away in a flash flood! Holy rain buckets, Batman!!! Crazy mofo rain isn't unusual out here, but this is nuckin futs!!!! Flash flooding everywhere, tornado warnings, the whole 9. Hardly slept last night because the crazy electrical storm had the dogs and the kids freaked out. 


I'm going to try to upload the video of the kids singing "Big, Bad Squirrels" from the other night. It's only the final minute of the song... I wish I had the whole thing! It is SOOOO precious. Cross your fingers that it works!!!

Reilly is supposed to have a game tonight. I can't imagine how that'll happen, unless they're able to switch it from Briar Woods and make it a home game. Woodgrove & Tuscarora are the only high schools that have artificial turf fields. We've had SO much rain... no way will any regular fields be open. Later this evening Rei is headed over to Ms. B's house with the other 11 members of the TSA team. The competition starts tomorrow and goes through the weekend. He's very excited about it, as it's a national competition and could mean big things for him if his team does as well as they're expected to do. I have to tell you, I'm not sad that the kid will be someone else's problem for a couple of days. Holy fuckballs.... dealing with his constant teenaged bullshit is positively exhausting. 


I'm so fuckin' tired that I feel like I have a newborn at home. I'm losing sleep because of the storms making everyone nuts, my tummy's continued uproar, and my general stress-induced insomnia. Good thing I'm seeing the pill doctor today... I'm wondering if he'll make any changes. It just seems so wierd to me that I'm having a harder time as more time passes. More crying, more depressive episodes, etc. Truly, I'm so over it.... I've had enough. Ugh. 


Gots to go. Have a good one. 


:0)
S

I DON'T CHOOSE THE ADS ON MY SITE!!!!

I just checked to see if I had any new comments and was HORRIFIED to see an ad to 'De-fund Planned Parenthood'. I would never EVER back something as ridiculous as that. And just in case you're wondering, abortions are only 4% of the products, services & procedures that Planned Parenthood provides. I have a dear friend who has worked for them for 14 years... it's an incredible organization that helps millions of women in innumerable ways. I'll be checking in to how the fuck I can get that shit off my page. Not cool!

S

Serious gut twister...

Okay, so I'm fairly certain that my tummy troubles won't be abating anytime this century. Someone just drove up to the house, handed me an envelope & started taking pictures. I swear to God, I almost shit in my shoes. Well, I'm not really wearing shoes... flip flops to be exact... so that would have been really disgusting. The envelope just contained a paper with a number for me to call. This happened about 15 minutes ago, and as you might imagine, I'm still feeling like I might just throw up. So I called. And that's BIG for me... calling those people scares the fuck outta me. It turns out that the bank will send someone out periodically to take a few pictures and make sure someone is still living here. It's funny.... so many people have said to me, "don't worry... the bank doesn't want your house... they've got too many to deal with already." I call bullshit. They know this piece of property is a fuckin gold mine and they're just waiting for the chance to grab it. 


I got a very interesting piece of info from the Loss Mitigation department when I called. I know I've told you that David didn't file taxes for several years, so included in my loan mod packet were several affadavits directly explaining that fact. This chick today tells me that they cannot proceed in any way with a loan modification until I provide some specific form from the IRS stating that the taxes were never filed, AND I need proof from the IRS that extensions were filed. Are you fucking kidding me??? I've been working on this god damned thing for 13 MONTHS, and that's the first time anyone ever mentioned that to me. And the only reason she even gave up the info was because I specifically asked if she could tell me the status of my loan mod application. These fuckin' banks.... yeah, they're all about helping people... aaaaggghhhh!!!!!


S

Another day...

Holy fuckin' balls, I'm EXHAUSTED. Spent much of the night awake... my guts have decided to wage another assault. Lovely. I may as well get used to it, as the stress in my world won't be letting up anytime soon. 


I'll say it again Spunk... you have become quite a wise one... I'm duly impressed. :0) You're right, I DO write for myself, but the give and take with the readers has always been a huge part of it for me. I still don't understand why this stupid site is causing trouble for so many people, but I also think you're right that most people have moved on. I don't blame them... this is MY life and even I don't want to hear about it!!!


Miss Bobbin... don't worry about the Jesus stuff. I've never been a big Jesus girl myself. You may have heard this joke before, but it's TRUE!!! "We're Catholics, we don't read the Bible... we read the bulletin!" Anyhoo... just skip over the cheezy shiz and get to the meat of it.... I'm so anxious to hear what you think. 


Last night was the big musical "NUTS!" It was positively adorbulous. SO cute, I can't even tell you. I have GOT to figure out how to post a video on here... one of the songs called "Big, Bad Squirrel" was just heeelarious. BEYOND cute!!! Miss KK & the Gabster did make it to the show. :0) What a spectacular treat. Rory was over the moon to have them there and I SO appreciated that they went to the trouble to be there for him. There was almost a showdown though.... Gabby is Rory's 'girlfriend' from Stone Bridge, and his 'girlfriend' Julia from Woodgrove was there too. Ruh roh.... worlds are colliding!!!! ;-)

Rory & his chicks... Gabby & Julia :0)

The weather was beautiful last night, so after the show we went out back and let the kids run wild on the playground. Reilly & Julia even got in the mix and set up a game of tag with a bunch of the little ones... very sweet. 

They ran themselves ragged!

Jayden had a great time too. As usual though, he completely monopolized his daddy, so I didn't really even get to talk to him all night! Grrrrr!

See why I love this man? Sweet with his kid, and smokin' HAWT!

Not much else to report this morning. Need to hit the job listings again. Not exactly sure why, as it's fairly clear that I'm qualified to do NOTHING. Have a good one. 

xoxo

S

Self-pic of da bruddas after the show.

***Just put the rest of the show pics on Shutterfly... enjoy!***

Robin....

Yes, my Sister... of all the people I know, YOU must read this book. I really think it will bring you some peace about Brian. I was telling my mom how happy I was for my Gram after reading it. She was a lovely, sweet woman and a woman of great faith, so I never doubted that she was in Heaven. But reading Colton's description of what Heaven is REALLY like... how there is nothing but eternal joy and bliss, and how everyone is healed of their ailments... physical, emotional... whatever. I was positively elated to know that she is somewhere even more wonderful than I ever could have imagined. I wept for her again, but this time the tears were all about pure joy.

I know Brian wrestled with some big demons. David did too, long before cancer. But now I know that's all been erased and he is the most perfect, happy, peaceful version of himself... exactly who God wished he could be. I believe... scratch that... I KNOW it's true for Brian too. Read it. I truly hope it brings you the same peace & comfort it did me.

Love you...
AOT
S

Nuts

Yes, I'm nuts... but it's also the name of the musical Rory & Leilei are in tonight. They are SO excited. I think KK and Gabster may be coming, so they'll have a nice cheering section. 


Okay, back to me being nuts. This may give you some idea of of the crazy & intense mood swings I have... yesterday afternoon I had basically decided to stop writing. Really. There are so few people reading now and honestly, I don't feel like I have much to say. I'm guessing I would still journal, but not for public consumption. Then this morning I felt so compelled to write, that I cut my workout short. I had run just over a mile, and decided I had to get on the computer. See? Nuts. 


Okay To, are you a complete moron, a mental midget or have you just not read a fucking word I've written in the last year??? Helllloooooo..... my faith???? I'm telling you, it was that book!!! Like I said, I still think God is a dick and I cannot begin to imagine a good reason for my boys to have to suffer the loss of their dad. Forget about me... why the fuck do my kids have to endure thhis shit??? And Spunk, we'll have to agree to disagree... I absolutely do not think all prayers are answered. That's another question I have for God, actually... how do you choose? Is there a daily limit??? What???


One of the things that has overwhelmed me after reading that book, is the sense of peace I feel for David. He was not a religious man.... his parents made sure that he had zero spiritual guidance growing up. (Good move, by the way.) But he knew there was something... he was searching. And he spent so much of his life being an angry man... and then once he realized it, he spent some years being angry that he had wasted so much time being angry! Now I truly believe that he is free of all of that. He knows only joy and peace, and that touches me to the depths of my soul. He made a lot of shitty choices... he did some stupid-ass things and he treated me horribly. But he also suffered more physical pain, emotional pain and horrendous indignities than any human being should ever have to endure. I don't know that I've ever shared this before... this photo was taken on Sunday night, June 27th 2010. I had taken Reilly to say goodbye to David and these were his final moments of consciousness. He then slipped into end-stage breathing and died on Tuesday morning.

He was saying, "I love you Rei"...

I know that's a horribly disturbing image, but it's one of many that I was left with. To finally believe and know that David has been restored to perfect health and is experiencing pure bliss... that brings me great comfort. There are definitely some hokey parts to the book... it's fairly simple in some ways... but the core of what this little boy was able to express is beyond explanation. Read it. 

You'll be thrilled to know that I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Thursday... not my therapist, but the one who does my medication management. I can't really afford to go, but if I don't, he'll cut me off from my cuckoo meds. I think we ALL know that would be very, very bad. Fuck... even medicated I'm a whack-job. 

On a completely different subject, Reilly had another home game last night. They got killed... 12-2... but it wasn't unexpected. A game right after a week of no practice against one of the toughest teams in the league. It really seemed like most of the Wolverines were half-asleep for most of the game, but I am VERY proud to tell you that Reilly played his BALLS OFF. He had a lot of field time and he was totally on it right up until the final buzzer. He also scored one of the two goals for the evening. I praised him up and down for not giving up... for going balls out every minute that he played. Just because the scoreboard says 12-2, it doesn't mean that you give up. He did not, and I was very pleased. :0)

 Making a sweet catch.

 Rei leading the charge.

 World's cutest Wolverine fan. :0)

Rei in the penalty box for 1 minute after a slash. He usually doesn't get caught. ;-)

Hustling while cradling the ball. 

I posted the Easter pics on Shutterfly... some very cute ones, so check 'em out. Hoping I'll get lots more cute ones at the play tonight. Later nerds.

xoxo

S


Check this out... the latest issue of the CZC Grief Relief Team newsletter... notice the cutie patooties who are pictured!!! :0)

Back to it...

Started out strong, being very productive during spring break.... very quickly became a giant lump o' goo. Oh well. Yesterday was rough. Another 'first'... the first Easter without David. It's not like the boys even mentioned it specifically, but there was an underlying sadness. 

Here's one from last year... Easter with Daddy 2010.

Our Easter egg hunt was fun... the weather turned beautiful after a serious deluge of rain, so the Easter Bunny was able to hide everything outside. :0) 

Thanks Easter Bunny... bawk bawk!

Not long after opening their goodies, the little ones had to leave to spend time with their mom. It was just the 3 of us, and true to form, a gnarly depression nap set in for almost 4 hours. Nice. It was VERY clear that my plans to make a big dinner were NOT going to happen. We needed to get the hell outta there, so we went to Red Lobster for dinner... thanks for the gift card Mom. :0) 

Bruddas at dinner.

After that, we took some free movie passes we'd gotten and went to see Soul Surfer. If you have yet to see it, go. It was a nice follow-up to the book I just read... very spritual and uplifting, and we all loved it. 

Much to do today, so I'd better hit it. Hope you enjoyed your Easter. 

xoxo

S


***Just saw your post Spunk... thank you, that was very sweet. That was kind of the memo I got from reading that book. You certainly have become a wise one. :0) xoxo

Wow...

I finished the book. There are a great many things that I'll probably never understand, and I have A LOT of questions regarding the how's and why's of the pain we suffer in our lives... but I'll tell you this: a little boy named Colton has convinced me, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there IS a God & that there IS a Heaven where life is eternal and filed with joy. Having said that, I still reserve the right to be pissed at God and to tell Him He's an asshole if I feel like it. Actually, I don't have to tell Him anything... he already knows what I'm thinking. I'd certainly love to have a chat and get some answers about why some prayers are answered and others aren't... but for the first time in a long time, I truly believe.

S