Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

27 April 2011

Another day...

Holy fuckin' balls, I'm EXHAUSTED. Spent much of the night awake... my guts have decided to wage another assault. Lovely. I may as well get used to it, as the stress in my world won't be letting up anytime soon. 


I'll say it again Spunk... you have become quite a wise one... I'm duly impressed. :0) You're right, I DO write for myself, but the give and take with the readers has always been a huge part of it for me. I still don't understand why this stupid site is causing trouble for so many people, but I also think you're right that most people have moved on. I don't blame them... this is MY life and even I don't want to hear about it!!!


Miss Bobbin... don't worry about the Jesus stuff. I've never been a big Jesus girl myself. You may have heard this joke before, but it's TRUE!!! "We're Catholics, we don't read the Bible... we read the bulletin!" Anyhoo... just skip over the cheezy shiz and get to the meat of it.... I'm so anxious to hear what you think. 


Last night was the big musical "NUTS!" It was positively adorbulous. SO cute, I can't even tell you. I have GOT to figure out how to post a video on here... one of the songs called "Big, Bad Squirrel" was just heeelarious. BEYOND cute!!! Miss KK & the Gabster did make it to the show. :0) What a spectacular treat. Rory was over the moon to have them there and I SO appreciated that they went to the trouble to be there for him. There was almost a showdown though.... Gabby is Rory's 'girlfriend' from Stone Bridge, and his 'girlfriend' Julia from Woodgrove was there too. Ruh roh.... worlds are colliding!!!! ;-)
Rory & his chicks... Gabby & Julia :0)

The weather was beautiful last night, so after the show we went out back and let the kids run wild on the playground. Reilly & Julia even got in the mix and set up a game of tag with a bunch of the little ones... very sweet. 
They ran themselves ragged!

Jayden had a great time too. As usual though, he completely monopolized his daddy, so I didn't really even get to talk to him all night! Grrrrr!
See why I love this man? Sweet with his kid, and smokin' HAWT!

Not much else to report this morning. Need to hit the job listings again. Not exactly sure why, as it's fairly clear that I'm qualified to do NOTHING. Have a good one. 

xoxo
S
Self-pic of da bruddas after the show.

***Just put the rest of the show pics on Shutterfly... enjoy!***
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1 comment:

  1. Collin's Mom CarolineWednesday, April 27, 2011 10:53:00 AM

    Can't wait to go to shutterfly and see the video. I am struggling with the reality my son is graduating and going to Germany for a year. Before it was a long away prospect but the days are flying fast and he is 17 days from Graduation.....Uh where did the time go? His school is pressuring him to choose his college so they can put it up - they have this high percentage of kids going to college and I think they fear he will lower his average but my goodness, he was one of 50 kids across the country chosen to be guests of the German government and go to school for a year. So anyway he can't decide - LIBRA!!!! So I took some dice 5 of them and I told him look - best of three - dice total odds you go to Oregon, evens you go to New York. Then he gets all nervous and wants to role the dice - no way bubba choose or we roll the dice and take whichever comes. He just can't decide! Roll 1 17 odds. roll #2 22 evens were tied, roll #3 a dice falls off the table scratch reroll #4 odd - Pacific University Wins!!! Not so fast he says....uh you agreed to let the dice decide...I think he really wants Ithica but Pacific has offered him significant Academic Scholarships and grants and will defer them and Ithica did not offer him anything but a bill of $300 to hold his spot. Seriously isn't Ithica really far north in NY like near Canada? Is he freaking out of his mind? I told him it doesn't matter which school he chooses now because there is no restriction about changing his mind when he comes home from Germany and he can apply at other places too if he wants.

    It is still killing me that he is leaving Momma!
    AOT
    Spunky

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