Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

25 April 2011

Back to it...

Started out strong, being very productive during spring break.... very quickly became a giant lump o' goo. Oh well. Yesterday was rough. Another 'first'... the first Easter without David. It's not like the boys even mentioned it specifically, but there was an underlying sadness. 
Here's one from last year... Easter with Daddy 2010.

Our Easter egg hunt was fun... the weather turned beautiful after a serious deluge of rain, so the Easter Bunny was able to hide everything outside. :0) 
Thanks Easter Bunny... bawk bawk!

Not long after opening their goodies, the little ones had to leave to spend time with their mom. It was just the 3 of us, and true to form, a gnarly depression nap set in for almost 4 hours. Nice. It was VERY clear that my plans to make a big dinner were NOT going to happen. We needed to get the hell outta there, so we went to Red Lobster for dinner... thanks for the gift card Mom. :0) 
Bruddas at dinner.

After that, we took some free movie passes we'd gotten and went to see Soul Surfer. If you have yet to see it, go. It was a nice follow-up to the book I just read... very spritual and uplifting, and we all loved it. 

Much to do today, so I'd better hit it. Hope you enjoyed your Easter. 

xoxo
S


***Just saw your post Spunk... thank you, that was very sweet. That was kind of the memo I got from reading that book. You certainly have become a wise one. :0) xoxo
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2 comments:

  1. ToniMonday, April 25, 2011 7:56:00 PM

    Jayden is so damn cute!! He can't take his eyes off his basket! Heeelarious. As far as heaven, I just don't know. I wish I had your faith. Time to hit the road, literally. Stay strong, T.

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  2. RobinMonday, April 25, 2011 9:44:00 PM

    I loved Soul Surfer. It was a beautiful film and I am glad you go to enjoy it. Sorry I have been MIA last few days...always reading, just not always able to post.

    Jenna did not want to dye eggs this year. I finally got out of her why. Egg dying was always something the kids did with Grandpa. Now that he is gone, she doesn't want to do it with anyone else. So I told all the kids (giant nephews too) that Grandpa was looking down and probably a little sad nobody was carrying on the tradition. So thankfully my 19 year old nephew stepped up to lead the others. They ended up enjoying it and hopefully it will be easier now. I am glad she expressed herself though.

    aot

    r~

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