I finished the book. There are a great many things that I'll probably never understand, and I have A LOT of questions regarding the how's and why's of the pain we suffer in our lives... but I'll tell you this: a little boy named Colton has convinced me, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that there IS a God & that there IS a Heaven where life is eternal and filed with joy. Having said that, I still reserve the right to be pissed at God and to tell Him He's an asshole if I feel like it. Actually, I don't have to tell Him anything... he already knows what I'm thinking. I'd certainly love to have a chat and get some answers about why some prayers are answered and others aren't... but for the first time in a long time, I truly believe.
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
happy monday!!! t.
ReplyDeleteHey Shannon;
ReplyDeleteAll prayers are answered love. no prayers are ignored or set aside. All of them. we don't always see the answer clearly but every single prayer of your heart is answered as if it were the only prayer just as God loves each of us as if there were only one of us individually. That the omnipotent part....We also don't always get what we want but we always get what we need.
Look in the bible about Jesus and Lazareth. His family was a little pissed that he got to him after he died...they expected Jesus to have gotten to him while he stilled lived. Jesus said something rather significant and often over looked Even in death...is the quote I referring to. Death has no hold on Jesus ours or his. I heard from a hospice nurse that those who deny Christ fight death till the end and those who embrace him go with grace. Denying Christ at death does not deny you entrance into heaven and I will go back and say God loves each of us as if there were only one of us and according to some psychics - Jesus shows up as if as a surprise party and announces he is real when we go to meet him. The penalty was paid long ago and he died to open the way and for all of us....Even Asshole Jerks like David who go through life hurting people he pledged unto God to love honor and cherish through sickness and in health forsaking all others till death us do part: What God has joined together let no man (or skank) put usunder.
Like a Mother of an obnoxious yard ape or cranky toddler God has even more patience and endurance to let us be Pissed and act out. And when you are ready to turn to him, he is there with open arms to love you and hold you always and forgive you and God will NEVER forsake you. Just as you will NEVER forsake that big yard ape you love so much or your little shmotzie No matter how pissed they make you from time to time- Trust me Shannon - God has more love for you than anything you can imagine and he loves those boys so much it makes your heaping love for them so small in comparison so imagine how much you love those boys of yours (more than the moon and back) and then you can try to imagine how much more you all are loved.
AOT
Spunky
Hi Shan....
ReplyDeleteSorry I haven't posted in a while. It does NOT mean I don't think of you every day! It's just a little more work to sign this blog than your old one.
I'm so sorry that Easter was a challenge. I think holidays will be different for a while but I know you do your very best for the boys and as long as there is love involved in the day, that's all that matters.
I soooo want to see Soul Surfer. I have asked my girls every day to go see it with me but haven't been able to motivate them. The older one is just feeling lazy and the younger one has been pretty sick (I actually think it might be allergies). I think I may go see the movie by myself some time this week!
I may need to check out the book you just read. You have sparked my interest!
Do the boys go back to school tomorrow? My girls go back tomorrow. That means I should start subbing again :( I just can't seem to motivate myself to go back to those over crowded classes full of disrespecting children! :( Ughhhhhh
Lots of love to you!
xoxo's,
Bon