Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

26 April 2011

Nuts

Yes, I'm nuts... but it's also the name of the musical Rory & Leilei are in tonight. They are SO excited. I think KK and Gabster may be coming, so they'll have a nice cheering section. 


Okay, back to me being nuts. This may give you some idea of of the crazy & intense mood swings I have... yesterday afternoon I had basically decided to stop writing. Really. There are so few people reading now and honestly, I don't feel like I have much to say. I'm guessing I would still journal, but not for public consumption. Then this morning I felt so compelled to write, that I cut my workout short. I had run just over a mile, and decided I had to get on the computer. See? Nuts. 


Okay To, are you a complete moron, a mental midget or have you just not read a fucking word I've written in the last year??? Helllloooooo..... my faith???? I'm telling you, it was that book!!! Like I said, I still think God is a dick and I cannot begin to imagine a good reason for my boys to have to suffer the loss of their dad. Forget about me... why the fuck do my kids have to endure thhis shit??? And Spunk, we'll have to agree to disagree... I absolutely do not think all prayers are answered. That's another question I have for God, actually... how do you choose? Is there a daily limit??? What???


One of the things that has overwhelmed me after reading that book, is the sense of peace I feel for David. He was not a religious man.... his parents made sure that he had zero spiritual guidance growing up. (Good move, by the way.) But he knew there was something... he was searching. And he spent so much of his life being an angry man... and then once he realized it, he spent some years being angry that he had wasted so much time being angry! Now I truly believe that he is free of all of that. He knows only joy and peace, and that touches me to the depths of my soul. He made a lot of shitty choices... he did some stupid-ass things and he treated me horribly. But he also suffered more physical pain, emotional pain and horrendous indignities than any human being should ever have to endure. I don't know that I've ever shared this before... this photo was taken on Sunday night, June 27th 2010. I had taken Reilly to say goodbye to David and these were his final moments of consciousness. He then slipped into end-stage breathing and died on Tuesday morning.
He was saying, "I love you Rei"...

I know that's a horribly disturbing image, but it's one of many that I was left with. To finally believe and know that David has been restored to perfect health and is experiencing pure bliss... that brings me great comfort. There are definitely some hokey parts to the book... it's fairly simple in some ways... but the core of what this little boy was able to express is beyond explanation. Read it. 

You'll be thrilled to know that I'm seeing my psychiatrist on Thursday... not my therapist, but the one who does my medication management. I can't really afford to go, but if I don't, he'll cut me off from my cuckoo meds. I think we ALL know that would be very, very bad. Fuck... even medicated I'm a whack-job. 

On a completely different subject, Reilly had another home game last night. They got killed... 12-2... but it wasn't unexpected. A game right after a week of no practice against one of the toughest teams in the league. It really seemed like most of the Wolverines were half-asleep for most of the game, but I am VERY proud to tell you that Reilly played his BALLS OFF. He had a lot of field time and he was totally on it right up until the final buzzer. He also scored one of the two goals for the evening. I praised him up and down for not giving up... for going balls out every minute that he played. Just because the scoreboard says 12-2, it doesn't mean that you give up. He did not, and I was very pleased. :0)
 Making a sweet catch.
 Rei leading the charge.
 World's cutest Wolverine fan. :0)
Rei in the penalty box for 1 minute after a slash. He usually doesn't get caught. ;-)
Hustling while cradling the ball. 

I posted the Easter pics on Shutterfly... some very cute ones, so check 'em out. Hoping I'll get lots more cute ones at the play tonight. Later nerds.

xoxo
S


Check this out... the latest issue of the CZC Grief Relief Team newsletter... notice the cutie patooties who are pictured!!! :0)
Comfort Zone Camp\
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3 comments:

  1. Collin's Mom CarolineTuesday, April 26, 2011 1:53:00 PM

    We can agree to disagree. I will strongly disagree on the point that only some prayer are answered. I don't think it is chance and I don't believe God does stuff to us or our families. Stuff happens. I don't think God gives people cancer or makes people suffer through horrible ordeals. I think a lot about Job who suffered greatly. Marissa's school just did the Diary of Anne Frank program. People do horrible and horrendous things to other people. I don't think those acts are chosen by God and that he pin points certain people to suffer and some not. I believe he is with us always in the darkest of times and when we don't think that we need him.

    Did you read the Shack? The pain that man endured by the loss of his daughter.

    I don't think you need a church to believe in God. I enjoy attending services but I am not bent on having to demonstrate my faith through regular attendance. I think people find God when they search for him.

    My mom has a friend who suffered a stroke on an operating table and she was dead for 3-4 minutes. In that time Jesus was with her and told her he was with her always. She wanted to stay with him but he said now is not your time to come and back she went. They tested her and her IQ leaped by 10 or 15 pts.

    My aunt Judy moments before she passed said out loud - Oh Jesus is here and she smiled brightly and went on and on about the vivid colors.

    I believe here on earth we suffer. This is death or that inbetween purgatory. We know joy and sadness here. We struggle here. I believe when we are with God we are whole again and perfect in the light.

    You can disagree all you want and that is okay by me. You will discover your own truth and find your own path and that is how it should be.

    II Corinthians 13
    We see through the glass dimly but then face to face. ....know in part prophesy in part but when that which is perfect comes all the imperfect will go away...thats all part of the plan faith hope and love - the greatest of these is love. (Written by Paul who was such a windbag at times)

    I think you are compelled to write and if you are written out - fine. I think you should write regardless of the number of readers. Are you writing for an audience because I thought expessing yourself was your therapy. In my humble opinion - I think you should continue writing. Sending it out into the universe. Someone may find you quite serepitiously and find a truth in what you write. If it helps you to write then let it out and if you feel you are written out then take a break. I like being able to check in with you from time to time. So I kind of like your blogging.
    But maybe others have moved on some and don't check in as much as they did...doesn't mean they love you less or care about you less.

    AOT
    Spunky

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  2. ToniTuesday, April 26, 2011 5:37:00 PM

    Uh muh ga! I am so pist. I wrote a long post at lunch time and the beeotch did not go!! And that is mental little person to you. The gist of it was, I hear a woman struggling with her faith, but I do not hear a woman who has lost her faith. To me, there is a difference. Even Jesus struggled with his faith. He did not want to be pinned to a cross and He begged His Father to let Him live. I hope this posts...........

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  3. RobinTuesday, April 26, 2011 7:01:00 PM

    sometimes it's really hard to get the image of someone right before their death out of your head. I still remember seeing my uncle when I was only about 8. He was always a big, strong man. I only remember him being so small and "shrunken" after his cancer battle. I have images of my Grandmother as she died holding my hand. I even have images of my brother...even though I never saw his body...and those are the worst in my mind. I like the idea of seeing those we love with their bodies and health restored. I think this is a book I should read. I would love to shake some of the images rattling around in my head.

    aot

    r~

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