Wazzup nuggets? I'm not a big fan of Friday nights around here... everyone hits the sack so early that I end up being awake by myself for hours... not good. Poor Roy gets up so early and has to work so hard that he's completely used up by Friday. It won't be getting any better either.... starting Monday, he has to be at work a half hour earlier. That means he's up at 4 a.m. Gross. True, he'll finish 30 minutes earlier too, but that's not much help. And that'll be his schedule until the end of October. Fuck.... I just wish he'd get a new job opportunity. He's applied almost as much as I have, and this guy's got talent! There's nothing he can't do!!! If just one of these morons would take the time to meet him for even 5 minutes, they'd hire him on the spot. Guaranteed. The absolute best case scenario would be if we both got on with Loudoun County Public Schools. With the kind of luck I have though, I'm not gonna hold my breath.
We did attempt a fun family night this evening... originally we were planning to take the kids to the park & have a picnic. The weather turned really chilly by late afternoon though, so that was out. By the way, yesterday (and the couple of previous days) it was so fucking humid that I had the air on. Got to leave the windows open today & then had to turn the heat back on tonight... WTF??? Anyhoo, I went & got a pizza at Andy's and we put on Home Alone. I've seen it a zillion times, but it always makes me laugh out loud. Roy was sound asleep about 30 minutes in, and Leilei followed shortly after that. Rory, Jayden & I were the only ones who made it til the end! Got everyone tucked in for our big morning tomorrow.... Rory & Leilei's first soccer game. It should be their third, but the first two were cancelled because of rain. Rory is pretty sad that Rei won't be there... he's off at the TSA National Competition for the weekend. They ended up being at school until 2:40 this morning getting everything ready for their booth. Then they had to check in at the conference by 9 this morning... better them than me! I'm sure they all passed out as soon as today's events were finished, as I haven't heard a word from them. I'll be interested to talk to him tomorrow & hear what it's like. It's just up the road in Chantilly, so I can pop over there if he wants me to come check it out. I'm fairly certain that he's happy to be rid of me for a few days though... we definitely needed a break from each other. It's pretty hard to raise a kid who already thinks he's a man, especially when the man he needs most is no longer. Rory talked a lot about daddy last night. I can't even remember what he said, but it made me cry.
One of the things I planned to do this week was call NOVA... the local community college system... and make an appointment with a counselor. Did I do it? No. Just couldn't. I'll try again on Monday. Summer classes start in a couple weeks and I was thinking I could maybe try to do one online course... just to see how it goes. Even if I got into the nursing program, it would take 3 years of a full class schedule for me to get my RN since I have to re-take so many classes that I already passed in ye olde days. Knowing that, it's hard to focus on the end-game. My life without school is still so day by day right now, and if I ever... by some miracle... find some shmuck to give me a job, it'll take that much longer. That's why I'm thinking one class at a time. Hmmmm.... since I can't even make the fucking call to the counselor, that's probably a good plan!!!
Do you realize that he died 10 months ago today? 10 MONTHS.... will this ever get easier???
Later peeps.
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
29 April 2011
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I finished Heaven is for Real yesterday. It was a good read. I am not sure how much of it my "cerebral" part believes, but my "heart" wants to believe. I really like the idea that you become "whole" again in heaven. Makes me look forward to seeing my loved ones again someday where we are all healthy and unburdened. If what this father is reporting is true, it is an amazing story...further backed up by that other little girl's account of what Jesus looked like. It does give you some measure of peace.
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r~
Never gets easier, just better management.
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Love you!