On The Road to My New Life: May??? Really???

Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

01 May 2011

May??? Really???

Not a clue when it bcame May. It's rigoddamndiculous if you ask me. Wasn't it Christmas like 3 weeks ago? Time marches on, I guess. Yesterday was a full one from beginning to end. We started out with Rory & Leilei's soccer game at 10. (And by the way... we'd already been up for 4 hours thanks to the toddler in the house. Grrrr.) I posted soccer pics yesterday, so go check 'em out. Rory was, as usual, CRAZY intense on the field. He doesn't display poor sportsmanship or anything... quite the opposite actually... but he's incredibly focused on the game. I love that at age 7 he's already such a great team player. That's not easy to find at this age... most kids get a hold of the ball & never let it go. But not my guy!

Mr.Intensity... back at it!

Unfortunately, Leighanna barely moved during the whole game. Seriously. Lots of standing still and staring at the ball, even when it was sitting at her feet. It's a miracle that I got 2 whole pictures that make it look like she was playing. Those were literally the only two times during the game that she actually engaged. It was so frustrating!!! She has definitely shown herself to be pretty lazy in general. I'm told she gets that from her mom. I believe it too, as Roy is the OPPOSITE of lazy. That's exactly why we signed her up for soccer... to get her off her ass. So far, it doesn't seem to be working. :-/

After the game we went our separate ways. Roy had a couple of errands to do and I was REALLY in need of a break. I don't think Roy really understands it when I feel like that, but he also has the luxury of taking his kids to his mom's or his grandma's and leaving them for a couple of days. They were gone ALL of spring break week!!!! Here's a news bulletin.... I NEVER get to take a break from my kids and I'm fuckin exhausted. Just the everyday parenting, housekeeping, cooking, shuttling to activities... that stuff is tiring on it's own. Add in the emotional turmoil my boys are experiencing, and it's all but unbearable.

Lots more details to share, but I think I have a few minutes to close my eyes, so I'm gonna skedat. More later.

:0)