Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

01 May 2011

Okay... I'm back.

I got to take a rare and glorious nap... lovely. :0) So back to my story. An angel also known as my Katy girl came to my rescue & took Rory off my hands for a couple hours. First they took Baby Bentley for a walk.
He's getting so big!

After that, they were off to the club. VERY convenient that KK's fam are members too! She got in a workout & he was happy as a clam in the kid's club. Then they had a lil lunch in the Life Cafe before heading home. It was only about 3 hours, but I needed it desperately. I spent the entire time in my car, enjoying a smoothie and working on the computer. There was also a mad dash into the grocery store... me time is never really all for me. I decided to get serious about posting some things on Craigslist, so most of the time I was online, I was doing research. I took a whole bunch of pictures on Friday, and was trying to figure out what most of the shit was. 

I have to say, the more investigating I did, the more pissed I got at David. What an incredibly selfish, thoughtless asshole. The tens of thousands of dollars he spent on things that we didn't need... and many, never even used... it made me sick. And aside from the Mercedes, most of the things I'm talking about he bought before cancer. Roy's observation was, "well, he sure was trying to prove something to somebody." Yeah... but who??? Most of the stuff I'd never even seen before he died. He knew if he put something out in the barn, his secret would be safe... as I never went out there. And if I did happen to see him bring in something new he'd bought, I never questioned it. I trusted him. Right about now, that blind faith is making me feel pretty fucking stupid. Ugh. What a dick. I just can't believe how incredibly careless he was with our family's future. Clearly, he was thinking only of himself. I say again... dick.

Once we got home, the kids played outside like crazy. After a while I asked them to take a walk with me. We went all over.... up the hill, through the woods, over to visit some horses and some chickens... it was a great walk and we were gone until about 7:30. Roy had been mowing and prepping the pit for a bonfire. We'd told the kids we could roast hot dogs for dinner & then make s'mores. :0) But then the crazy redneck asked the kids if they wanted to take a ride in the jeep... just a little spin out back he said. Yeah, right!!! They did some serious mud boggin' and had a total blast. I was taking pictures from up at the house and I could hear them laughing all the way down at the bottom of the property. 
 Wheeeeee!
 Disappearing into the brush...
 Jayden showing me the muddy mess.
My very happy, mud-splattered redneck. :0)

You can probably imagine that they LOVED IT!!! Now I think the kids will be pretty pissed once he sells that damn thing! He's got a guy coming to take look #2 on Tuesday... I told him he'd better get out there and hose it off. His response? "Fuck him! If he wants it, HE can clean it off!!! Or, I'll take him out back and get some real mud on it!!!" Alrighty then! 

The kids were all splattered with mud... Jayden & Leilei didn't care, but Rory must have a little too much of me in him. He couldn't stand it & ran inside for a quick shower before the bonfire. :0) Then it was hot dogs & baked beans, followed by s'mores. I have SO missed the smell of a fire!!! We only got to have a couple this year, as we ran out of firewood. Luckily, there's an abandoned house up the road that has a huge felled tree in the yard, so that's where we go to get our bonfire wood. 
Please don't judge me... he dressed himself after his shower! ;-)

It was a wonderful day, but long and exhausting. There were even a few tears on my part. When we were on our nature walk, Rory kept picking dandelions and making wishes out loud... "I wish Daddy would come back from Heaven to be with me!" "I wish Daddy was here everyday!" "I wish I could go fishing with Daddy again!" They were all very sweet and he was in a great mood, but he kept repeating those same things so many times that I felt like we were getting into dangerous territory. Magical thinking is one thing, but I didn't want him to believe those wishes could come true. I finally had to say to him, "honey, you know those things can't happen, right?" He answered with, "yeah, but I can wish for them." I went on with, "but you do realize that Daddy will be in Heaven forever, right?" He said, "yes... and I'll see him there one day." Fucking hell. Talk about a soul-shatterer. Even though his recent bout with depression seems to have passed, I know that David continues to weigh heavily on his mind because he hasn't slept through the night in weeks. You know what that means... neither have I. 

It's funny how major life events can change even the tiniest things about who we are. I was ALWAYS the girl who wished on a dandelion.... who wished on a star... who made a wish when my necklace clasp fell to the bottom... who wished every time I noticed the clock at 2:22 or 5:55 or 11:11. I don't make wishes anymore. I did until David left me, but I haven't since then. It's something I think about too, like if I do see the first star of the night. But then I remember... wishes don't come true. I'm not saying that I no longer have hopes or dreams for myself... I just don't waste my time on the wishes. Kind of sad, really.

On to the good news.... I made my very first Craigslist sales today!!!! Yahoooooo!!!! And I did it all by myself!!! I posted a few farm implements last night, made contact with this guy & set up a time for him to come over this morning. He came for the 6 foot rake tractor attachment, and left with that AND the box scraper!!! He got a good deal and I still got a great price. Feeling pretty proud about that!!! 

I also re-listed the Mercedes. Remember a while back when I could barely get 4k for it? Just for shits, I posted it for 6k and I've already had numerous calls. I even have two, count 'em TWO, appointments set up to show it!!! I won't tell you when they are, as that seems to have jinxed me in the past, but I will ask you to say a prayer and send me some good sales juju!!!

Reilly came home from his long weekend of competition. He uttered about 3 words and then disappeared into the basement. Nice. Luckily, I convinced him to come up for dinner and he filled us in a bit. He and Patrick actually came in 3rd in their category... remember, this was a STATE competition... and they qualified to participate in the National competition in Texas in late June. How cool is that??? Tomorrow they're going to ambush Papa G (their principal) and see what they can do about getting some funding. They invented a couple of really cool things. I'll have him give me the details again so I can pass along the right info to you. The best part is that he had a great time doing something academic. Finally!

That's all for me. Hope you enjoyed the weekend. 

:0)
S
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1 comment:

  1. RobinMonday, May 02, 2011 10:17:00 AM

    Woo Hoo!!! Congrats on the Craigslist sale. I love selling stuff there. Of all the things I have ever posted, I have sold all but a bike...that I was practically giving away! I hope the Jeep and the Mercedes go soon too :)

    aot

    r~

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