I guess that was kind of a stupid title for this entry, as I no longer have days that are even-keeled from beginning to end. I'm proud to say that I hit the club again this morning. Only weights today, but I was workin hard. Then I went to 'work'... researching more items to post on Craigslist, returning calls about a couple things I'd already listed, etc. I also had to go to the pool store for a few things. Lemme tell ya... my pool is fucked 6 ways to Sunday. After I had our regular pool company open it last spring, that was about the last time I paid attention to it. The auto-cover stopped working at some point, the heater wasn't firing up and what else? Oh yeah... my husband died. That kind of got in the way of my regularly scheduled pool maintenance. Roy helped me flush the lines and close it down for the winter, but we never got the winter cover on. That means there's all kinds of shit at the bottom of the pool. I talked to the pool guy & I have to manually remove as much of the debris as is humanly possible before I start trying to balance the water with chemicals. Well shit. That sounds about as appealing as a red hot fire poker up my ass. One great thing about this pool in years past, is that it was always basically no maintenance. I'd throw in some chlorine tabs every two weeks or so & that was it. But now I'm going to have to resuscitate this thing from the dead. It didn't help that it was hot and humid again today... God, I fuckin' HATE THAT!!! I do NOT do well working outside in that nastiness, but it's unavoidable... unless I want to just go for the swamp look with the pool.
So... I was dreading dealing with that, all hot and sweaty, and I had my first appointment to show the Mercedes looming in the afternoon. I've never so much as sat in that stupid shit heap, and I swore I never would. Well, today I had to get in and drive the damn thing into the garage so I could clean it up to show. Great. I couldn't get it to start... I couldn't get the trunk open... I was a sobbing, swearing, hysterical mess. A wee bit o' anxiety??? Uh, yeah. I finally got the pile in the garage. I vacuumed it, wiped it down inside and out & opened all the windows to air it out. Luckily, I composed myself just before Finn got home, and the car guy showed shortly thereafter. Hold on to your hats motherfuckers.... I SOLD THAT SMELLY OLD BITCH!!!!! Yep. Lil ol' me... all by myself. :0) And guess what... I only got $250 less than what David paid for it almost 3 years ago!!!! Could there possibly be even better news??? Yep! The buyer is shipping it to Germany next week.... I'll never have to lay eyes on that godforsaken heap of shit again!!!!!
While it was exactly what I hoped would happen, as soon as the buyer left, I ran upstairs and burst into tears. That car has represented nothing but pain to me since day 1. It was also the symbol of the beginning of the end of my marriage. I should have known where we were headed the very night that he told me about the car. He flew into a rage when I put my foot down, claiming he was "bound by a verbal commitment to the seller". When I asked him about his commitment to his wife... he had no words. Interesting. I think the tears were all about the pain and sadness and rage that I've felt about that car, and David's horrendously selfish behavior surrounding it. I have to say though, I did have one wee moment of an unspoken 'I told ya so' with him about it. The very first time he took it out for a drive, it broke down. He had to call me to come and get him. I said nothing. I didn't have to. :0)
I decided a celebration was in order, so I treated everyone to dinner up at Andy's. The weather had cooled down beautifully and we were able to enjoy our meal out on their pretty patio. Then once we got home, finished homework & got all the kiddos to bed, Finn & I snuggled up and just laughed and talked for over an hour. It was deeeelish.
Time to do doggie duty, but one more tidbit of fab news.... Reilly got a job at the kennel!!!! Woooohoooooo!!!!! A job, a paycheck, and he can WALK there!!!! Yeah baby!!!!!
Love ya...
xoxo
S
***Tojo... FYI:1 measeley sentence from you does NOT qualify as a real post. I require much more from you girl, mostly because you make me laugh my ass off, so bring it!!!! ;-)
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
See you can do things like this everyday. Selling things can be your way out. Spend the money on the pool. Look forward to your summer. E
ReplyDeleteShannon...
ReplyDeleteGreat news about the Benz. I remember when D bought that bucket of shit. That was one awful scenario. Now you can forget about that. It went away for good. Piece of doo doo. You will be amazed at what you can do with Craigslist and Ebay. Again, very proud of my girl!
xoxo
Auntie Nut
Hey Sunshine!
ReplyDeleteSorry I have been absent of late. Things out here have been taking off and I have been busy dealing with that and dealing with hubby and doctor appointments...nothing serious just knee surgery this time. Same thing as last just the other knee. I have been trying to keep up with your posts but they have gotten away on me. I just read this one about you selling the car and that is SUPER SHANTASTIC AND SPARKLING news!! You go girl!!
I know that car was a source of frustration for you and I hope you can get some closure with it now gone.
Also fantastic news about Reilly getting a job! I hope he enjoys it and that it calms him down some.
Well must go and get some work done. It seems never-ending right now.
Happy Mother's Day!! I hope you have a Shantastic day with the kids and that treat you like a Queen!
Love ya!
Helen