Hey cheesies... wasabi? Better today.... entirely because of my Finn. I took Rory to the game last night. You would not BELIEVE the fan club that kid has. Unfortunately, I do not enjoy the same level of popularity that he does. Let me amend that. The teenagers DIG me, and why wouldn't they? I'm fuckin cool. Yeah... I said it. Deal with it. The parents though? Not so much. I don't know why it makes me feel like such shit. I mean honestly, these people don't know me and I could give a fat fuck about what they really think about me. I guess it's just the instant judgement that makes me nuts. A 10 second up/down glance turns into visible disdain on their faces. What IS that??? Would you be more comfortable with me if I wore 'mom jeans' , had the same hairdo I did in 1995 and drove a minivan? Get a fuckin GRIP people. Simply because I actually CARE about how I look and I'm a little funky and spunky, doesn't mean I'm a whore. I'm TELLING you.... THAT'S how they look at me. Ignorant assholes.
Got home from the game with the boys at about 9:45. Finn was on the bed on the computer. I plopped down next to him and we both promtly fell asleep. On top of the covers. In our clothes. Yeah.... exhausted. This morning I needed to run and pick up some meds at my therapist's office. My psychiatrist has been wonderful and is giving me samples of one of the meds I'm on because of my insurance. I've been out of it since last Friday, but just haven't been able to get there to pick it up. I'm hoping that having it back on board will help me wrestle the funk more effectively. Then I sped over to the craft store to get more chocolate for pretzel making. Rory wanted blue, blue, BLUE... so I got 2 shades of blue chocolate to go over the white. I'm not doing any goodie bags this year... seriously going bare bones with this party. I got the smallest package... not even doing pizza. Sorry folks! Jump in your jammies, have a piece of cake, take some pretzels and get the fuck out. This place has CRAZY tight rules about bringing in anything from the outside, but I'll tell you what.... if they try to give me even a TINY speck of shit over the pretzels, I'm gonna fuckin throw down. Those fucknuts don't want me opening up a can of whoop ass, cuz I'm in just the right mind to fuckin USE it!!!
Got home and was soon up to my armpits in the pretzel project. Evidently I am insane, as I decided to make a SECOND batch... in ALL different colors, mind you... for the oncology nurses at Raj's. I haven't stopped by there in a while and they always loved my treats. Thought I'd surprise them with something yummy. Now my back hurts like a fuckin bitch, cuz I worked on the damn things for 5 hours straight. And I don't have time to lay down and rest... I have to go to Wegman's tonight to fetch that god damned cake. FUCK!!! My eyeballs are about to fall right out of my head.
Here's just one more example that proves I have, in fact, gone bananas.... Reilly wanted to have a friend at Rory's party... another teenager to help him bounce the kids. Big shocker, he's bringing a girl. :0) Her name is Megan and she is a sweetie. But, she also has 2 little brothers and they all live with their single dad, so she needs a ride. Nevermind that she lives in Hillsboro, which is in the OPPOSITE direction, I actually told Reilly we'd pick her up on the way. What an ASSHOLE I am!!!! As it is, we have to BE at the damn place by 9:45 a.m. ARGHHHH!!!! Oh well. I'm happy to do it because it's her. She has been a VERY good friend to Reilly... especially last summer. They spent a lot of time together talking about what he was going through. And her dad is a sweetheart too. He always goes out of his way to come talk to me at school events, and doesn't seem worried that his reputation may be sullied simply because he's seen talking to me.
Better scram... gots to fetch the cake. Fuckin Maggie Moos. Dumb assholes. At least I know how scrumdilly the cakes are from Wegmans... yum.
Later.
xoxo
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
15 January 2011
14 January 2011
And The Funk is Back With a Vengeance...
Yep. It's back... AGAIN. and you're right Aunti Nut... you HAVE been posting. I suck. Interesting that you called me a "big poop" today, as that's exactly how I feel.... like a giant, steaming pile of shit. I wasn't even able to make it to lunch with my girls from support group. I volunteered in Rory's class first thing this morning and then headed home. I had no intention of leaving again, until I got a call from Pump it Up. That's where Rory is having his party Sunday, and part of the package is that they order the cake you want from Maggie Moos and have it delivered. So this woman calls me at about 10:30 and says they can't make me a cake. Their cake decorator is out of town. Are you fucking KIDDING me???? You have ONE person qualified to decorate cakes??? Fabulous. So I had to hurry down to Wegman's to place an order, and now I'll have to pick up the fuckin thing. Great. I returned home about noon and got in bed. All of the paperwork and legal documents that I continue to receive every single day are suffocating me. I swear to Christ... with the amount of money Wells Fargo has spent FedExing me the SAME threatening shit over and over again, they probably could have just flat out REDUCED my loan amount and STILL come out ahead.
And then there are the continued letters from the county...
CONSTANT flood of David's unpaid bills...
Piles of mail from everyone under the sun, regarding the 'estate of David Streight'.
And forget about my OWN bills... Those are nothing.
And the incessant phone calls & messages from creditors, banks, lenders, etc.
And let's not forget the shareholder's meeting at SDSI that I have looming.
I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!!!! My friend J was supposed to help me manage all of this shit, but I
haven't even heard from her since we met with the financial guy in October.
I got up to get the kids off the bus at 3, and promptly returned to my bed. Until 6:30. Yep.... Mom of the Year.
Have to go put some sort of face on. There's a varsity basketball game at Woodgrove tonight. A few days ago, Reilly posted on Facebook that Rory would be at the game. He got 20 comments... all from GIRLS... in about 10 minutes. So I have to take the kid over there. His public awaits. With the puffy face from all of the crying, I look absolutely awesome. Ugh.
And then there are the continued letters from the county...
CONSTANT flood of David's unpaid bills...
Piles of mail from everyone under the sun, regarding the 'estate of David Streight'.
And forget about my OWN bills... Those are nothing.
And the incessant phone calls & messages from creditors, banks, lenders, etc.
And let's not forget the shareholder's meeting at SDSI that I have looming.
I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!!!! My friend J was supposed to help me manage all of this shit, but I
haven't even heard from her since we met with the financial guy in October.
I got up to get the kids off the bus at 3, and promptly returned to my bed. Until 6:30. Yep.... Mom of the Year.
Have to go put some sort of face on. There's a varsity basketball game at Woodgrove tonight. A few days ago, Reilly posted on Facebook that Rory would be at the game. He got 20 comments... all from GIRLS... in about 10 minutes. So I have to take the kid over there. His public awaits. With the puffy face from all of the crying, I look absolutely awesome. Ugh.
HELLLLOOOOOOO........
It seems to me that the only people reading are Toni & Robin. We'll, maybe someone else is reading, but they're the only ones posting. I understand that there have been some issues as far as posting goes, but I've gotta tell ya... I don't give a fat fuck!!! I know it seems that I have a perpetual case of verbal diahrrea, but I actually get a lot out of the give and take that comes along with responding to your posts. I guess what I'm saying is, FIGURE IT OUT!!!! This is supposed to be the MOST user friendly blogging site on the web.
In case you missed it, I'm in a shit mood. I took Rei to his group last night, and let's just say that our conversations in the car both to and from group have left me quite fattutzed.
Teenagers. Jesus. How much more am I supposed to endure? I am rapidly approaching the end of my seriously frayed rope.
Help.
In case you missed it, I'm in a shit mood. I took Rei to his group last night, and let's just say that our conversations in the car both to and from group have left me quite fattutzed.
Teenagers. Jesus. How much more am I supposed to endure? I am rapidly approaching the end of my seriously frayed rope.
Help.
13 January 2011
Waiting in my 'office'....
Hey monkeys. I'm sitting in my 'office'... aka my car. Reilly's teen grief group is meeting tonight... thank GOD... so here I sit. I just told him about the Comfort Zone camp while we were in the car tonight. He was NONE too pleased. He's going to have to miss school on that Friday so we can get there... it's a couple hours away... and these days, missing school on a Friday is NO bueno. Mostly because it's basketball season, and he's ALL about the social scene that goes along with that. He also claimed that it would be "irresponsible" of ME to have him miss school. Nice try, butt plug. I told him that his mental health is the single most important thing right now. Of course, his reply was, "my mental health is fine". Yeah... right. Whatever. I told him that it's like car maintenance... he's going in for a tune-up. And honestly, I don't give a fat fuck what he says... he's going.
Miss To... heeeelarious. Why yes, I DO happen to remember my sophomore year wardrobe... quite vividly, in fact. I'm not sure why, especially since I'm such a fuckin mess these days that I can't remember shit. I live and breathe by my iPhone calendar. Good thing you can have it alert you about an event TWICE. Believe me.. I SO need that. Since I KNOW you're wondering (suuuuuure you are), my favorite outfit that year was a pair of raspberry colored corduroy shorts that I wore with a pink sweatshirt and a raspberry beret. (Insert goofy Prince reference here.) The sweatshirt had some phrase on it written in French. Even back then, I was all about the pink. I did have lots of other colors in my closet back then, while today almost every single thing I own is a shade of pink or purple. I know it looks good on me, so why rock the boat?
Funny you mentioned watching tv. Before this afternoon, I hadn't seen ANY tv since last March. Seriously. And I LOVE tv. I so enjoyed sitting down to watch my favorite tivo'd shows... Project Runway, Top Chef, Hell's Kitchen, Flipping Out, American Idol... those were my faves. But once David's final descent began in earnest, I didn't have the time, energy or attention span to watch anything. And I'm STILL like that. It's just like the reading. I miss reading novels so much... but I just can't. I can't focus and I can't retain anything. I can't even read a fucking magazine anymore. How ridiculous is THAT? Yes, I know I'm as boring as balls, but my favorite Friday nite activity used to be devouring all the new issues of the thrash magazines. I'd make sure to hit Target at some point on Friday to get Star, In Touch and US Weekly to go with my People subscription. I loved 'em... it was my guilty pleasure. But no more.
I DID see some tv today. I finally had time to take down the Christmas tree, so I caught a couple of Oprah's that had been Tivo'd. Damn, I've missed that show! I love Redbox and we rent movies now and then. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to stay awake through a whole movie in recent memory. It's not the movies either... it's me. I continue to wear out my copies of Sex And The City and The New Adventures of Old Christine, but I'll usually pop one in, watch for 10 minutes and then I'm done.
I think I may need therapy. Wait... I KNOW I need therapy. But after my de-Christmasing today, I may very well need some sort of serious intervention.... possibly even a stay in a rubber room for a while. There are NO words to describe the horrors that I saw as I took the tree out of the house and moved the furniture back into place. Sweet Jesus. The things that accumulate under and behind the furniture when there are 4 kids in the house... all I can say is eeeeeeeew. I might even need a Karen Silkwood shower... wire brushes and all.
I'm supposed to meet a few of my support group girls for lunch tomorrow... hope I can make that happen.
Still thinking about and missing my Shyla girl. She had a bunch of nicknames.....
Shy Shy
Shy She
Shysh
She She
Shy
Shysher
Baby Girl
xoxo
S
***Build something from what stands in your way.
***Act with consideration.
***Walk softly, live gently.
-Instant Karma
Miss To... heeeelarious. Why yes, I DO happen to remember my sophomore year wardrobe... quite vividly, in fact. I'm not sure why, especially since I'm such a fuckin mess these days that I can't remember shit. I live and breathe by my iPhone calendar. Good thing you can have it alert you about an event TWICE. Believe me.. I SO need that. Since I KNOW you're wondering (suuuuuure you are), my favorite outfit that year was a pair of raspberry colored corduroy shorts that I wore with a pink sweatshirt and a raspberry beret. (Insert goofy Prince reference here.) The sweatshirt had some phrase on it written in French. Even back then, I was all about the pink. I did have lots of other colors in my closet back then, while today almost every single thing I own is a shade of pink or purple. I know it looks good on me, so why rock the boat?
Funny you mentioned watching tv. Before this afternoon, I hadn't seen ANY tv since last March. Seriously. And I LOVE tv. I so enjoyed sitting down to watch my favorite tivo'd shows... Project Runway, Top Chef, Hell's Kitchen, Flipping Out, American Idol... those were my faves. But once David's final descent began in earnest, I didn't have the time, energy or attention span to watch anything. And I'm STILL like that. It's just like the reading. I miss reading novels so much... but I just can't. I can't focus and I can't retain anything. I can't even read a fucking magazine anymore. How ridiculous is THAT? Yes, I know I'm as boring as balls, but my favorite Friday nite activity used to be devouring all the new issues of the thrash magazines. I'd make sure to hit Target at some point on Friday to get Star, In Touch and US Weekly to go with my People subscription. I loved 'em... it was my guilty pleasure. But no more.
I DID see some tv today. I finally had time to take down the Christmas tree, so I caught a couple of Oprah's that had been Tivo'd. Damn, I've missed that show! I love Redbox and we rent movies now and then. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to stay awake through a whole movie in recent memory. It's not the movies either... it's me. I continue to wear out my copies of Sex And The City and The New Adventures of Old Christine, but I'll usually pop one in, watch for 10 minutes and then I'm done.
I think I may need therapy. Wait... I KNOW I need therapy. But after my de-Christmasing today, I may very well need some sort of serious intervention.... possibly even a stay in a rubber room for a while. There are NO words to describe the horrors that I saw as I took the tree out of the house and moved the furniture back into place. Sweet Jesus. The things that accumulate under and behind the furniture when there are 4 kids in the house... all I can say is eeeeeeeew. I might even need a Karen Silkwood shower... wire brushes and all.
I'm supposed to meet a few of my support group girls for lunch tomorrow... hope I can make that happen.
Still thinking about and missing my Shyla girl. She had a bunch of nicknames.....
Shy Shy
Shy She
Shysh
She She
Shy
Shysher
Baby Girl
xoxo
S
***Build something from what stands in your way.
***Act with consideration.
***Walk softly, live gently.
-Instant Karma
I'm guessing I have a Swiss cheese heart... full of holes.
I hate this. If I have to tell my sweet little boy that ONE MORE person or animal that he loves has died, I'm gonna fuckin' lose it. Seriously.... NO 7 year old should be so well-versed on the topics of death and grief.
When we got home from school and I realized that I needed to take Shyla in as quickly as possible, I was very lucky that Rory and Leilei busied themselves playing, so I was able to get her ready. I didn't want to tell him what was going on and then have to leave him. I got her snuggled up in some blankies in the carrier... she gave me 2 little meows. On a normal day, she'd have been wailing. She HATED being in the carrier. As soon as Finn got home, I warmed up the car for her and we were off. It's about 20 minutes to the emergency vet. As I got her out of the car, I felt her seizing in the carrier. I walked in and told them I wasn't sure if she was still with us. She was not. My little girl decided that it was time. I'm so glad that she made the decision... at least she didn't have to get stuck with an IV. They brought her to me in a private room and I spent about a half hour holding her, petting her and telling her how much I loved her. I sobbed and sobbed... my heart is broken.
If you're not an animal person you might think this sounds stupid, but that cat saved my life on more occasions than I can count. It started when I first got her... I was so devastated over losing my sweet Gram, and Shyla gave me reasons to laugh and smile again. She was such a funny little kitten... when she got mad she completely flattened out her ears. I've never had a cat before or since who did that quite like she did. It was hilarious. Over the next few years, David was at sea almost constantly. I was desperately lonely and homesick. I went to work and went home. That's it. I didn't know anyone. That girl, along with my Sheba and Shelby, kept me company, made me laugh, and gave me something to look forward to every day. That continued as I became a mom. People often tell you that as soon as your first baby is born, you'll no longer give a shit about your pets. Not in my case. I even sent home some receiving blankets that Reilly had used in the hospital... I wanted them to get used to his scent before we even brought him home. Shyla was constantly getting up on the changing table or hopping into the crib with Baby Reilly. It made my mom CRAZY! But Shy Shy just wanted to be a Mommy cat... it was very sweet.
Her unwavering love continued as we moved to Virginia. I was again, horrendously lonely, sad and homesick. But luckily, I had my girl sleeping in my arms or wrapped around my neck like a boa every night. She loved Rory from the very first second he came home. She actually 'got over' Reilly pretty quickly, but she and Rory had something special... right up until the end. Then I got terribly sick and spent 4 months almost completely in bed. She NEVER left my side. She'd pretty much always been my cat, but whan David got sick, she started tending to him. He was in bed more than he was out of it for 14 straight months, and she was laying on his shoulder every minute.
And then he left. My Shyla stayed in my arms as I cried for weeks on end, and she did it again when he died. We were always very in tune with each other. She knew when I really needed her, and she was always there. She also let me know when she needed me. She was this TINY little cat, but she had a HUGE meow. She would stand on my bed and call me... over and over until I came up to be with her. Crazy cat. She also did that at night if she was ready to go to bed and I was staying up too late for her taste. It was like she was saying, "Mommy.... come ON!!! I wanna get in bed and snuggle!"
I really feel like she waited for me yesterday. I hated leaving her in the morning, but she knew I'd be back, so she waited to say goodbye.
As soon as I got home, Rory told me he couldn't find Shyla and wanted to know where she was. I said, "she's in heaven with Daddy, honey", and he fell to pieces. My poor little peanut. When we got in bed, we spent a long time talking about Shyla and telling funny stories about her. We laughed, but we cried too. Then he started to list everyone that he misses... "I miss Daddy... I miss Maxi... I miss Sheba and Shelby, and I really miss Zoe." And my heart broke a little bit more.
Coincidentally, I just got word yesterday that the boys had come off the wait list and been accepted for a weekend long bereavement camp in February. It couldn't have come at a better time. The group is called Comfort Zone and like Camp Kesem, they exist solely on donations. Please check them out at www.comfortzonecamp.org .
I guess I'd better try to do something productive. I'd really rather go back to bed. I'm completely drained... emotionally exhausted. I'm SO over this whole fucking death thing.
S
When we got home from school and I realized that I needed to take Shyla in as quickly as possible, I was very lucky that Rory and Leilei busied themselves playing, so I was able to get her ready. I didn't want to tell him what was going on and then have to leave him. I got her snuggled up in some blankies in the carrier... she gave me 2 little meows. On a normal day, she'd have been wailing. She HATED being in the carrier. As soon as Finn got home, I warmed up the car for her and we were off. It's about 20 minutes to the emergency vet. As I got her out of the car, I felt her seizing in the carrier. I walked in and told them I wasn't sure if she was still with us. She was not. My little girl decided that it was time. I'm so glad that she made the decision... at least she didn't have to get stuck with an IV. They brought her to me in a private room and I spent about a half hour holding her, petting her and telling her how much I loved her. I sobbed and sobbed... my heart is broken.
If you're not an animal person you might think this sounds stupid, but that cat saved my life on more occasions than I can count. It started when I first got her... I was so devastated over losing my sweet Gram, and Shyla gave me reasons to laugh and smile again. She was such a funny little kitten... when she got mad she completely flattened out her ears. I've never had a cat before or since who did that quite like she did. It was hilarious. Over the next few years, David was at sea almost constantly. I was desperately lonely and homesick. I went to work and went home. That's it. I didn't know anyone. That girl, along with my Sheba and Shelby, kept me company, made me laugh, and gave me something to look forward to every day. That continued as I became a mom. People often tell you that as soon as your first baby is born, you'll no longer give a shit about your pets. Not in my case. I even sent home some receiving blankets that Reilly had used in the hospital... I wanted them to get used to his scent before we even brought him home. Shyla was constantly getting up on the changing table or hopping into the crib with Baby Reilly. It made my mom CRAZY! But Shy Shy just wanted to be a Mommy cat... it was very sweet.
Her unwavering love continued as we moved to Virginia. I was again, horrendously lonely, sad and homesick. But luckily, I had my girl sleeping in my arms or wrapped around my neck like a boa every night. She loved Rory from the very first second he came home. She actually 'got over' Reilly pretty quickly, but she and Rory had something special... right up until the end. Then I got terribly sick and spent 4 months almost completely in bed. She NEVER left my side. She'd pretty much always been my cat, but whan David got sick, she started tending to him. He was in bed more than he was out of it for 14 straight months, and she was laying on his shoulder every minute.
And then he left. My Shyla stayed in my arms as I cried for weeks on end, and she did it again when he died. We were always very in tune with each other. She knew when I really needed her, and she was always there. She also let me know when she needed me. She was this TINY little cat, but she had a HUGE meow. She would stand on my bed and call me... over and over until I came up to be with her. Crazy cat. She also did that at night if she was ready to go to bed and I was staying up too late for her taste. It was like she was saying, "Mommy.... come ON!!! I wanna get in bed and snuggle!"
I really feel like she waited for me yesterday. I hated leaving her in the morning, but she knew I'd be back, so she waited to say goodbye.
As soon as I got home, Rory told me he couldn't find Shyla and wanted to know where she was. I said, "she's in heaven with Daddy, honey", and he fell to pieces. My poor little peanut. When we got in bed, we spent a long time talking about Shyla and telling funny stories about her. We laughed, but we cried too. Then he started to list everyone that he misses... "I miss Daddy... I miss Maxi... I miss Sheba and Shelby, and I really miss Zoe." And my heart broke a little bit more.
Coincidentally, I just got word yesterday that the boys had come off the wait list and been accepted for a weekend long bereavement camp in February. It couldn't have come at a better time. The group is called Comfort Zone and like Camp Kesem, they exist solely on donations. Please check them out at www.comfortzonecamp.org .
I guess I'd better try to do something productive. I'd really rather go back to bed. I'm completely drained... emotionally exhausted. I'm SO over this whole fucking death thing.
S
12 January 2011
Goodbye, sweet girl...
Mommy's Girl
She LOVED Rory...
Shyla's snuggle style... up close & personal.
Watching over 'her' baby.
She hated having her picture taken... wouldn't EVER look at me. Brat.
My precious Shyla...
so beloved
so cherished
so adored
... and already missed.
Rest well baby girl. I love you.
I knew it...
I hated leaving my girl today... I couldn't get her off my mind. That's saying a LOT too, as the office manager was out today. Than means Shanola RAN the office. So yes, I was busy... but I never stopped thinking about my sweet Shy Shy. Raced home from work to grab the kids off the bus. My first stop was upstairs to check on her. Not good. FAR worse than this morning. She is basically unconscious and was laying in what looked like a very uncomfortable position. She must have maneuvered herself there, and then was unable to move again. There's no way in HELL I'm making her wait until 9 or 10 tonight. Her breathing is SO shallow and now she's having short, mini seizures. The worst part about going early though, is that I'll have to go by myself. Finn has to stay with the kids... do dinner, homework, baths, etc. I usually have them pretty much finished with their homework by this time, but today I can't deal with it.
I laid on the floor of my closet and sobbed for a while. I'm going to jump in the shower now & be ready as soon as Finn gets here. I know what you're thinking.... 'she's ACTUALLY going to leave the house without her face and hair on???' Yes, there may be many people who will suffer severe emotional damage at seeing my naked face, but I know I'll be crying the rest of the night. Might as well take the fuckin make up off.
I guess I'm getting a 2 for 1 thing today. I have been emotionally unable to pick up Mawell's ashes from the vet. Won't THIS be fun??? Drop one off.... pick one up.
Fuck.
I laid on the floor of my closet and sobbed for a while. I'm going to jump in the shower now & be ready as soon as Finn gets here. I know what you're thinking.... 'she's ACTUALLY going to leave the house without her face and hair on???' Yes, there may be many people who will suffer severe emotional damage at seeing my naked face, but I know I'll be crying the rest of the night. Might as well take the fuckin make up off.
I guess I'm getting a 2 for 1 thing today. I have been emotionally unable to pick up Mawell's ashes from the vet. Won't THIS be fun??? Drop one off.... pick one up.
Fuck.
Maybe it's ME...
Death. Hmmmm. I really think I've experienced enough of that for a while. Seriously God... I'm good. Maybe give someone else a turn. I'm starting to think that people and animals are dying just to get the fuck away from me. My Shyla... my 19 year old girl who STILL looks like a kitten... took a very obvious and serious turn late last night. She's still with us at the moment, but it's clear that I'll need to take her in after the kids are in bed tonight. Being that she IS 19, I'm not going to put her through a bunch of diagnostics... it seems to be her time.
For 19 years, that little girl has either slept in my arms or on my chest. Every night. Fuck.... days too. Anytime I was in bed... either sick, during my pregnancies, or just taking a nap. She's a tiny little cat with a huge, robust purr. The sound of a cat purring has always been one of my absolute favorites.
She's lived QUITE a life. She was born in San Diego & was there a couple years until we moved to Carmel. Then she rode cross country in our Explorer when we headed to Virginia. We were in Sterling for 5 years and then moved one more time to Lovettsville. I don't think she's been downstairs in the 8 1/2 years we've been there... my bedroom has always been her kingdom. :0)
I've always adored all of my animals, but Shyla is extra special. I got her in January of 1992, just after my beloved Gram died. I was heartbroken and needed something happy to focus on. I decided I wanted a kitten, and went on a mad tear to find one. The more I searched, the more I heard 'but it's not kitten season'. WTF? I had never heard such a thing. Anyway. I can tell you with absolute certainty that she was the ONLY kitten in all of San Diego County. We were meant to be together.
This kind of event is one more reason I hate that I have to work. Leaving her this morning nearly ripped my heart from my chest. But I have to go in, so that's that.
I'll keep you posted.
S
For 19 years, that little girl has either slept in my arms or on my chest. Every night. Fuck.... days too. Anytime I was in bed... either sick, during my pregnancies, or just taking a nap. She's a tiny little cat with a huge, robust purr. The sound of a cat purring has always been one of my absolute favorites.
She's lived QUITE a life. She was born in San Diego & was there a couple years until we moved to Carmel. Then she rode cross country in our Explorer when we headed to Virginia. We were in Sterling for 5 years and then moved one more time to Lovettsville. I don't think she's been downstairs in the 8 1/2 years we've been there... my bedroom has always been her kingdom. :0)
I've always adored all of my animals, but Shyla is extra special. I got her in January of 1992, just after my beloved Gram died. I was heartbroken and needed something happy to focus on. I decided I wanted a kitten, and went on a mad tear to find one. The more I searched, the more I heard 'but it's not kitten season'. WTF? I had never heard such a thing. Anyway. I can tell you with absolute certainty that she was the ONLY kitten in all of San Diego County. We were meant to be together.
This kind of event is one more reason I hate that I have to work. Leaving her this morning nearly ripped my heart from my chest. But I have to go in, so that's that.
I'll keep you posted.
S
11 January 2011
Puhhhleeeeez, ToJo!!!
Okay Toni, you are officially fucking ridiculous. "Bug me with all of the writing stuff?" You have got to be kidding. I've told you before that I believe you are one of the most talented, creative writers on earth. I am thrilled to hear any and all ideas, so keep 'em comin! I guess it's all the more important to me to get your feedback, since I do respect your writing so much. Hmmm.... it seems I've been seeking your approval in one way or another for a good 26 years now. Jeez Shan... low self-esteem much??? ;-) And Spunk... big thanks to you too for your ideas and all of the info. I still haven't had a chance to delve into it, but I'm very curious and looking for some time to check it out asap. Love you both!!!
It's 6:28 p.m. and I am currently laying on my bed in my jammies, having just taken a fabulously long shower. Meanwhile, my fabulous Finn is downstairs cooking dinner. And FYI... it smells amazing. I am SO keeping him!!!
The storm has just reached us, but so far it's all sleet. NOT good. The kids would love a snow day tomorrow, but a snow day with sheets of ice instead of fluffy snow pretty much sucks baboon ass. Add to that... I'm scheduled to work. I've already told Rei that he'll have to pitch in and watch Rory & Leilei, should I be unable to get up my driveway. You can imagine how thrilled he was to hear that lil nugget. Those two are so great together though, he's got no room to balk. And anyway... we all have to pitch in now, so he can just suck it up. He should be thanking Christ that we're not living on a farm in the 1800's... you can bet your sweet ass he'd be sloppin' hogs and milking cows before the sunrise. :0)
And luckily, Val understands that I may very well not make it in. We'll see what happens. I'd actually rather be at work than stuck with the kids. Let me re-phrase that... the little ones are NO problem at all. It's the surly teenager that makes my butt curl.
I'm so completely wiped... I wish it was bedtime.
S
It's 6:28 p.m. and I am currently laying on my bed in my jammies, having just taken a fabulously long shower. Meanwhile, my fabulous Finn is downstairs cooking dinner. And FYI... it smells amazing. I am SO keeping him!!!
The storm has just reached us, but so far it's all sleet. NOT good. The kids would love a snow day tomorrow, but a snow day with sheets of ice instead of fluffy snow pretty much sucks baboon ass. Add to that... I'm scheduled to work. I've already told Rei that he'll have to pitch in and watch Rory & Leilei, should I be unable to get up my driveway. You can imagine how thrilled he was to hear that lil nugget. Those two are so great together though, he's got no room to balk. And anyway... we all have to pitch in now, so he can just suck it up. He should be thanking Christ that we're not living on a farm in the 1800's... you can bet your sweet ass he'd be sloppin' hogs and milking cows before the sunrise. :0)
And luckily, Val understands that I may very well not make it in. We'll see what happens. I'd actually rather be at work than stuck with the kids. Let me re-phrase that... the little ones are NO problem at all. It's the surly teenager that makes my butt curl.
I'm so completely wiped... I wish it was bedtime.
S
Your Morning Quickie...
Hey monkeys... only a few minutes this morning. Made it to the club again before I head to work. :0) Just FYI... the 'word verification' thing is a google deal... that's not me. Sorry! Also, I have started posting comments in the comments section too. Since this site is broken down into threads, sometimes it makes sense for me to write something there.
Nothing to report at the moment... just heading to the office to be my BADASS self again. :0) One little thing that made me soooo happy this morning... I FINALLY found one of the books I've been searching for. It's the little one called "Instant Karma" and I was BEYOND thrilled to get my hands on it again. I continue to rip the house apart to find "The Bridge to Forgiveness", by Karyn Kedar. I may have to break down and order a new copy. I seriously NEED that book.
One more tidbit... my Amazon and Google accounts have been verified, so please remember to come to my site first if you plan to shop on Amazon. Help a sista out!!! :0)
Gotta fly.... have a good one.
Smooches...
S
***Savor the time you spend with people who matter.
***Stand like a mountain.
***Hold tight to your ideals.
-Instant Karma, by Barbara Ann Kipfer
Nothing to report at the moment... just heading to the office to be my BADASS self again. :0) One little thing that made me soooo happy this morning... I FINALLY found one of the books I've been searching for. It's the little one called "Instant Karma" and I was BEYOND thrilled to get my hands on it again. I continue to rip the house apart to find "The Bridge to Forgiveness", by Karyn Kedar. I may have to break down and order a new copy. I seriously NEED that book.
One more tidbit... my Amazon and Google accounts have been verified, so please remember to come to my site first if you plan to shop on Amazon. Help a sista out!!! :0)
Gotta fly.... have a good one.
Smooches...
S
***Savor the time you spend with people who matter.
***Stand like a mountain.
***Hold tight to your ideals.
-Instant Karma, by Barbara Ann Kipfer
10 January 2011
Oh yeah.... they DIG me!!!
I guess I should clarify that... they don't dig me. They don't know who I am. They is the doc. He calls me Number 2. Really. He does. No big whoop. There hasn't been a new person in his office in over 10 years, and then 2 of us started the same day. The other chick was hired first, so she's Number 1 and I'm Number 2. I would be offended if I wasn't TOTALLY clued into the fact that doctors are generally assholes. True, he's merely a dentist... but still a doctor. I've met more doctors in the past 3 years than I care to remember. A small handful of them were lovely people... and one of them was an angel on earth. In general though, a bunch of shitheels. Anyhoo.... the one who really digs me is Val, the office manager. She's the one I actually work with, so hers is the only opinion that matters. I was doing a shantastic job today... even more than usual ;-) ... Val came back to my desk and said, "You're a fuckin' BADASS!" Oh really? Tell me something I don't know. Bwahahahaaaaaa!!!! And can you even believe I landed in a place where the office manager would talk to me like that during my second week???? Hellllooooo.... methinks this office is a perfect fit for Shan!!! :0) Yup... a VERRRRY good day at work. A good day at home too.. just long. Lots of homework, piles of laundry, dinner, clean-up... you know the drill. Me tired.
This will be a short entry... it's 9:40 p.m. and I just finished folding. MUST get in the shower asap, before I start to offend myself! One weird thing happened today... for the VERY first time since he died, I had a fleeting thought to call David and ask him something. I know that's really common for most people after someone dies, but it had never happened to me before. Not only do I not really miss him, every cell in my body knows... every second of every day... that he's dead. But today I had a question. I guess it's because I've been writing a lot about his parental units, so they've been on my mind. Eeew. Anyhoo, I wondered if they knew he was leaving me before I did. Obviously, it doesn't matter. I'm just curious. I don't know why I hadn't ever wondered that before. That day... June 6th 2009... we had all been together watching the boys play sports. It was a Saturday. In the early morning Rory had soccer in Ashburn, and then Reilly had an 11:00 lacrosse game in East Jesus... aka Vienna. The whole day was very tense. Neither the troll nor the cactus spoke to me or even looked at me. I can remember being at the lacrosse game... it was fucking BALLS hot and I just wanted to be away from them. David was in a pissy mood too. Hmmm.... I think I may know why! So I busied myself with Rory and took tons of pictures of him. I got so many cute ones, but I can't enjoy them. The second I see one of them I think, 'that's the day he left me'. The plan was for all of us to go out for lunch after Reilly's game, but I just couldn't take it. We had come in separate cars, so I asked David if he minded if I skipped lunch and went to the club. Fine with him. So that's what I did. When I got home, he took off to the club to do laps. It was shortly after he drove away that I disovered the note he left on my bathroom sink.
I really hope they didn't know before I did. I know... let it go... but it bugs me.
Supposed to snow tomorrow.... we'll see!
Nite nite...
S
This will be a short entry... it's 9:40 p.m. and I just finished folding. MUST get in the shower asap, before I start to offend myself! One weird thing happened today... for the VERY first time since he died, I had a fleeting thought to call David and ask him something. I know that's really common for most people after someone dies, but it had never happened to me before. Not only do I not really miss him, every cell in my body knows... every second of every day... that he's dead. But today I had a question. I guess it's because I've been writing a lot about his parental units, so they've been on my mind. Eeew. Anyhoo, I wondered if they knew he was leaving me before I did. Obviously, it doesn't matter. I'm just curious. I don't know why I hadn't ever wondered that before. That day... June 6th 2009... we had all been together watching the boys play sports. It was a Saturday. In the early morning Rory had soccer in Ashburn, and then Reilly had an 11:00 lacrosse game in East Jesus... aka Vienna. The whole day was very tense. Neither the troll nor the cactus spoke to me or even looked at me. I can remember being at the lacrosse game... it was fucking BALLS hot and I just wanted to be away from them. David was in a pissy mood too. Hmmm.... I think I may know why! So I busied myself with Rory and took tons of pictures of him. I got so many cute ones, but I can't enjoy them. The second I see one of them I think, 'that's the day he left me'. The plan was for all of us to go out for lunch after Reilly's game, but I just couldn't take it. We had come in separate cars, so I asked David if he minded if I skipped lunch and went to the club. Fine with him. So that's what I did. When I got home, he took off to the club to do laps. It was shortly after he drove away that I disovered the note he left on my bathroom sink.
I really hope they didn't know before I did. I know... let it go... but it bugs me.
Supposed to snow tomorrow.... we'll see!
Nite nite...
S
Well fuck... It's Monday
Hey nubbins. NOT happy that it's Monday. It has nothing to do with going to work... it was just such a fantastic weekend that I hate to be done with it. We were planning to take advantage of the fact that Jayden & Leilei were at their mom's and get all kinds of shit done. How'd that work out? We accomplished absofuckinlutely nuthin. And I LOVED it!!! I think it's really important to allow yourself to be a lazy puddle o' goo every now and then. Finn & I snuggled up in bed and watched a couple movies, and the boys watched movies and played games together. It was sublime. Especially since my poor Finn was horrendously sick all week. :( He's one of those guys with a steely constitution who NEVER gets sick, and this thing knocked him on his ass. He even missed a couple days of work, and he does NOT do that. With him being sick, my anxiety was through the roof. I've always had a touch of the germophobia, but as soon as David got sick it spun completely out of control. Having a neutrapenic cancer patient in the house... someone with NO immune system; no white cells, no red cells, etc... and having 2 kids bringing home germs from school, sports, etc. It made me CRAZY. Seriously. It became a real problem. Real enough that I had to be medicated to ease my germophobia-related anxiety. It helped immensely, but the fear is still there. Even though I no longer have a cancer patient in the house, germs & illness of any kind STILL send me reeling. I think it's one of those things that's etched into your psyche forever. Remember the whole H1N1 thing? If David had gotten that, he would have been dead in less than 24 hours. Talk about striking fear into your soul. I know my intense fear is abnormal... people get sick. It happens. But knowing that doesn't change anything... my mind goes where it wants to go and I have to figure out how to deal with it. You think the fact that I now have FOUR kids in the house doesn't scare the holy shit outta me? It DOES. But thank God for my Finn. He understands the root of my fears and does everything he can to help me through those episodes, WITHOUT making me feel like a complete nutjob. And let me tell ya, THAT is greatly appreciated.
More to say, but I'd better scram. Happy to tell you that I made it to the club this morning. :0)
xoxo
S
"Give your attention and energy to trust, love, abundance, education and peace."
-Rhonda Byrne
More to say, but I'd better scram. Happy to tell you that I made it to the club this morning. :0)
xoxo
S
"Give your attention and energy to trust, love, abundance, education and peace."
-Rhonda Byrne
09 January 2011
My secret escape...
Howdy doody noodles. I'm enjoying my favorite little secret escape for a while. Yes, I'm pathetic, but my favorite thing to do by myself is to get a smoothie at Robeks, and pull into a spot in front of Starbucks. Then I can steal their free wifi from the comfort of my car, and write. :0) I have to tell you something heeelarious.... yesterday, just for the helluvit, I googled 'shantastic'. First of all, I was NOT pleased to see how many Shantastics there are on the web. What the fuck???? Who ARE these bitches???? Don't they know that I'M the original???? The only TRUE Shantastic??? Grrrrr... anyhoo, the first thing that popped up was a definition in the Urban Dictionary. It said, "SHANTASTIC"... This is a term used to describe the level of amazingness of an event or incident. Usually sexual, this word is known to replace or provide a substitute for the term 'orgazmic'." WHAT???? Oh my God... I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.
Yesterday turned our to be fabulous. I slept in for HOURS, which I never get to do. Then we just padded around the house, doing this and that until Reilly asked us to leave. Wha??? He said that he and Rory wanted to have a dude's day, and that we should go out and do something. Seriously???? Don't have to tell me twice... Finn & I were out of there like a shot. We didn't have any plans... wandered around and ended up at Tysons, the most fab mall in existence. And FYI.... anyone who says our economy is hurting, hasn't been to Tyson's Galleria in a while. Holy shit! It was nut to butt in that place! We browsed, people watched, laughed and generally enjoyed being together. We have so much fun doing absolutely nothing. Then we thought it would be a treat to hit a movie, and actually found a theater that was still showing The Social Notework. Awesome movie... absolutely loved it. We hit the grocery store for a few things on the way home, and then passed out after our lovely day. It was great.
So I've been spending a lot of time thinking about this whole book publishing thing. Leigh Ann seriously knows her shit, and if she thinks I'm going to have to do tons of research about the genre, immerse myself in similar authors, take classes about memoir writing and basically start over with the narrative, she's probably right. I barely have time to pick my ass these days.... I certainly don't have time for all of that shit. So for now at least, I'm just gonna keep blogging. Remember that movie Julie & Julia? That chick started out just writing a blog, so you never know. It's all about readership, and that takes word of mouth. So if you know someone you think might like to read this drivel, pass along the info, would ya?
I also looked up the Oprah show yesterday. They always have a section that lists all of the shows they are working on, and you can apply to be on the show if you fit with one of the relevant topics. One of the shows they're working on is 'Nightmarish In-laws'. Hmmmm..... think I'd qualify for THAT one? They've never HEARD shit like I've gone through with these people. It sounded promising, so I clicked on it. The bad news? It said that you AND the in-laws have to be willing to appear on tv with Dr. Phil. I'd do it in a hot minute. Those oozing anal warts? Never.
Speaking of hideous in-laws, I guess I'll get back to filling you in on the back-story. The Cactus is a horrible man. One of those people who spends every minute of his life being pissed off... about everything. He's incredibly demeaning to those around him, and seems to take great pleasure in telling his wife and his younger son how stupid they are. It's really gross. In fact, just before David was diagnosed, we had come to the decision that we needed to cut ties with his parents. They are SO toxic and brought nothing positive to our lives... we really didn't want the boys exposed to that shit. David had endured that for his entire life, but there was no reason to put our children through that. But then came the word 'cancer' and we were a little busy focusing on other things.
The Cactus and I had not spoken since October of 2008. They were around fairly often and the tension that they brought was unbearable. At that point, at least the Troll was able to be mildly pleasant to me, but the Cactus? He just seemed enraged ALL of the time. We all attended one of Rory's soccer games one morning, and afterward I took the opportunity to try and smooth things over with him. I simply asked him, "why are you so angry with me?" and that was IT. I didn't have the opportunity to utter another word. He spent a solid 30 minutes ripping me apart... telling me what a horrible wife and mother I was, that they'd never liked me, never wanted David to marry me, that I was pathetic, useless, helpless... etc. He was a crazed lunatic. SCREAMING at me in public... at the soccer field with a good 300 people or so looking on. I was sobbing hysterically... so hurt and so shocked at the pure hatred that he spewed at me. Keep in mind that at that point, I was in month 7 of full-time caregiving for my deathly ill husband, trying to handle the kids and their uncertainty and grief, and basically just trying to keep my head above water. He eviscerated me. He took any remaining shreds of self-esteem or good feelings I had about myself and ripped them into bloody pieces. Just a few days later was the HUGE 40th birthday party that I threw for David, and I made sure his parents knew that I wanted them there. He never even made eye contact with me. I also included them in our Christmas celebration, as I did every year, and again... nothing. He acted as though I didn't exist.
Fast forward to June of 2010, as David was making his final descent. We were at his girlfriend's house. I prefer to call her the Skank. The Cactus approached me and apologized for his past behavior, and said he hoped we could work together to make all of the final arrangements. It was incredible. We had some wonderful conversations. It was the first time that I had ever witnessed his humanity and I can remember telling the people around me that I thought maybe, having to face losing his son had caused him to have an awakening of sorts. He vowed to help me untangle the hideous web of a financial disaster that David had created. FYI... he lived that last year of his life like he was a fuckin' Rockefeller. Taking trips and spending money on God knows what. And he also promised that he'd make sure we were taken care of. That's a promise that he made AGAIN, to David's FACE, in the final days of his life. It was just the 3 of us in the hospital room and David asked his dad to "take care of Shan and the boys". He swore that he'd take care of us and that there was nothing for David to worry about. David KNEW the financial mess he was leaving me. I had NO idea the magnitude, but HE did, and I know that his dad's promise gave him great comfort in his last days.
The Troll & Cactus had ALWAYS believed that I was a gold-digger and a crazy spendthrift. Yeah.... TOTAL gold-digger.... that's why I married David as a 22 year old Navy Ensign. Puuuhhhlleeeez. Cactus offered to go through all of the bills and figure out how bad it was. It turns out that David hadn't even opened ONE piece of mail since his botched radiation treatment at UVA in February of 2010. There was an entire garbage bag full of bills he'd never addressed. The only reason I had no idea how bad things were, is because he had thankfully put all of the bills regarding my home on auto-pay. I had been asking him for months to let me start paying my own bills, but he never wanted to relinquish that control. I thought it was a wonderful thing that the Cactus was going through all of that shit.... he could see for himself that David was the one who'd spent all of that money. I hadn't even used a credit card since he left me... I was debit only. David, on the other hand, opened every credit account he could get his hands on. At the time, we were talking about revolving credit debt in the vicinity of 80 grand. I have since gotten notice of another delinquent account with a balance of 33 grand.
I'm not sure what happened. As quickly as the Cactus had warmed to me and offered his help, he flipped the switch again and reverted to demon from hell. I can only guess that he was incredibly angry... angry that David was dying, angry that he'd been so careless about his finances... and he had to be mad at someone. It all had to be SOMEBODY'S fault.... and that somebody turned out to be me.
I'll leave you with that for now. Let's just say that the 2 weeks between David's death and his funeral were all but unbearable, largely due to the interactions I had with the Cactus. And you pretty much know when you're going to a funeral to bury your husband and the father of your children, that it's gonna be a bad day. I had NO idea that his parents would make it their mission to disrespect me and hurt me as much as they possibly could on that day. If it's possible for a funeral experience to be even worse than you ever dreamed in your most hideous nightmares, that's exactly what they were able to make happen for me. And you haven't heard anything yet.
Miss Robin... give your in-laws a special squeeze from me. You are so blessed to have them, and they clearly realize how lucky they are that YOU are married to their son, and the mother of their grandchildren. What a gift.
Adios for now...
S
"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn... my God, do you learn."
-C.S. Lewis
Yesterday turned our to be fabulous. I slept in for HOURS, which I never get to do. Then we just padded around the house, doing this and that until Reilly asked us to leave. Wha??? He said that he and Rory wanted to have a dude's day, and that we should go out and do something. Seriously???? Don't have to tell me twice... Finn & I were out of there like a shot. We didn't have any plans... wandered around and ended up at Tysons, the most fab mall in existence. And FYI.... anyone who says our economy is hurting, hasn't been to Tyson's Galleria in a while. Holy shit! It was nut to butt in that place! We browsed, people watched, laughed and generally enjoyed being together. We have so much fun doing absolutely nothing. Then we thought it would be a treat to hit a movie, and actually found a theater that was still showing The Social Notework. Awesome movie... absolutely loved it. We hit the grocery store for a few things on the way home, and then passed out after our lovely day. It was great.
So I've been spending a lot of time thinking about this whole book publishing thing. Leigh Ann seriously knows her shit, and if she thinks I'm going to have to do tons of research about the genre, immerse myself in similar authors, take classes about memoir writing and basically start over with the narrative, she's probably right. I barely have time to pick my ass these days.... I certainly don't have time for all of that shit. So for now at least, I'm just gonna keep blogging. Remember that movie Julie & Julia? That chick started out just writing a blog, so you never know. It's all about readership, and that takes word of mouth. So if you know someone you think might like to read this drivel, pass along the info, would ya?
I also looked up the Oprah show yesterday. They always have a section that lists all of the shows they are working on, and you can apply to be on the show if you fit with one of the relevant topics. One of the shows they're working on is 'Nightmarish In-laws'. Hmmmm..... think I'd qualify for THAT one? They've never HEARD shit like I've gone through with these people. It sounded promising, so I clicked on it. The bad news? It said that you AND the in-laws have to be willing to appear on tv with Dr. Phil. I'd do it in a hot minute. Those oozing anal warts? Never.
Speaking of hideous in-laws, I guess I'll get back to filling you in on the back-story. The Cactus is a horrible man. One of those people who spends every minute of his life being pissed off... about everything. He's incredibly demeaning to those around him, and seems to take great pleasure in telling his wife and his younger son how stupid they are. It's really gross. In fact, just before David was diagnosed, we had come to the decision that we needed to cut ties with his parents. They are SO toxic and brought nothing positive to our lives... we really didn't want the boys exposed to that shit. David had endured that for his entire life, but there was no reason to put our children through that. But then came the word 'cancer' and we were a little busy focusing on other things.
The Cactus and I had not spoken since October of 2008. They were around fairly often and the tension that they brought was unbearable. At that point, at least the Troll was able to be mildly pleasant to me, but the Cactus? He just seemed enraged ALL of the time. We all attended one of Rory's soccer games one morning, and afterward I took the opportunity to try and smooth things over with him. I simply asked him, "why are you so angry with me?" and that was IT. I didn't have the opportunity to utter another word. He spent a solid 30 minutes ripping me apart... telling me what a horrible wife and mother I was, that they'd never liked me, never wanted David to marry me, that I was pathetic, useless, helpless... etc. He was a crazed lunatic. SCREAMING at me in public... at the soccer field with a good 300 people or so looking on. I was sobbing hysterically... so hurt and so shocked at the pure hatred that he spewed at me. Keep in mind that at that point, I was in month 7 of full-time caregiving for my deathly ill husband, trying to handle the kids and their uncertainty and grief, and basically just trying to keep my head above water. He eviscerated me. He took any remaining shreds of self-esteem or good feelings I had about myself and ripped them into bloody pieces. Just a few days later was the HUGE 40th birthday party that I threw for David, and I made sure his parents knew that I wanted them there. He never even made eye contact with me. I also included them in our Christmas celebration, as I did every year, and again... nothing. He acted as though I didn't exist.
Fast forward to June of 2010, as David was making his final descent. We were at his girlfriend's house. I prefer to call her the Skank. The Cactus approached me and apologized for his past behavior, and said he hoped we could work together to make all of the final arrangements. It was incredible. We had some wonderful conversations. It was the first time that I had ever witnessed his humanity and I can remember telling the people around me that I thought maybe, having to face losing his son had caused him to have an awakening of sorts. He vowed to help me untangle the hideous web of a financial disaster that David had created. FYI... he lived that last year of his life like he was a fuckin' Rockefeller. Taking trips and spending money on God knows what. And he also promised that he'd make sure we were taken care of. That's a promise that he made AGAIN, to David's FACE, in the final days of his life. It was just the 3 of us in the hospital room and David asked his dad to "take care of Shan and the boys". He swore that he'd take care of us and that there was nothing for David to worry about. David KNEW the financial mess he was leaving me. I had NO idea the magnitude, but HE did, and I know that his dad's promise gave him great comfort in his last days.
The Troll & Cactus had ALWAYS believed that I was a gold-digger and a crazy spendthrift. Yeah.... TOTAL gold-digger.... that's why I married David as a 22 year old Navy Ensign. Puuuhhhlleeeez. Cactus offered to go through all of the bills and figure out how bad it was. It turns out that David hadn't even opened ONE piece of mail since his botched radiation treatment at UVA in February of 2010. There was an entire garbage bag full of bills he'd never addressed. The only reason I had no idea how bad things were, is because he had thankfully put all of the bills regarding my home on auto-pay. I had been asking him for months to let me start paying my own bills, but he never wanted to relinquish that control. I thought it was a wonderful thing that the Cactus was going through all of that shit.... he could see for himself that David was the one who'd spent all of that money. I hadn't even used a credit card since he left me... I was debit only. David, on the other hand, opened every credit account he could get his hands on. At the time, we were talking about revolving credit debt in the vicinity of 80 grand. I have since gotten notice of another delinquent account with a balance of 33 grand.
I'm not sure what happened. As quickly as the Cactus had warmed to me and offered his help, he flipped the switch again and reverted to demon from hell. I can only guess that he was incredibly angry... angry that David was dying, angry that he'd been so careless about his finances... and he had to be mad at someone. It all had to be SOMEBODY'S fault.... and that somebody turned out to be me.
I'll leave you with that for now. Let's just say that the 2 weeks between David's death and his funeral were all but unbearable, largely due to the interactions I had with the Cactus. And you pretty much know when you're going to a funeral to bury your husband and the father of your children, that it's gonna be a bad day. I had NO idea that his parents would make it their mission to disrespect me and hurt me as much as they possibly could on that day. If it's possible for a funeral experience to be even worse than you ever dreamed in your most hideous nightmares, that's exactly what they were able to make happen for me. And you haven't heard anything yet.
Miss Robin... give your in-laws a special squeeze from me. You are so blessed to have them, and they clearly realize how lucky they are that YOU are married to their son, and the mother of their grandchildren. What a gift.
Adios for now...
S
"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn... my God, do you learn."
-C.S. Lewis
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