Yep. It's back... AGAIN. and you're right Aunti Nut... you HAVE been posting. I suck. Interesting that you called me a "big poop" today, as that's exactly how I feel.... like a giant, steaming pile of shit. I wasn't even able to make it to lunch with my girls from support group. I volunteered in Rory's class first thing this morning and then headed home. I had no intention of leaving again, until I got a call from Pump it Up. That's where Rory is having his party Sunday, and part of the package is that they order the cake you want from Maggie Moos and have it delivered. So this woman calls me at about 10:30 and says they can't make me a cake. Their cake decorator is out of town. Are you fucking KIDDING me???? You have ONE person qualified to decorate cakes??? Fabulous. So I had to hurry down to Wegman's to place an order, and now I'll have to pick up the fuckin thing. Great. I returned home about noon and got in bed. All of the paperwork and legal documents that I continue to receive every single day are suffocating me. I swear to Christ... with the amount of money Wells Fargo has spent FedExing me the SAME threatening shit over and over again, they probably could have just flat out REDUCED my loan amount and STILL come out ahead.
And then there are the continued letters from the county...
CONSTANT flood of David's unpaid bills...
Piles of mail from everyone under the sun, regarding the 'estate of David Streight'.
And forget about my OWN bills... Those are nothing.
And the incessant phone calls & messages from creditors, banks, lenders, etc.
And let's not forget the shareholder's meeting at SDSI that I have looming.
I CAN'T DO IT ANYMORE!!!! My friend J was supposed to help me manage all of this shit, but I
haven't even heard from her since we met with the financial guy in October.
I got up to get the kids off the bus at 3, and promptly returned to my bed. Until 6:30. Yep.... Mom of the Year.
Have to go put some sort of face on. There's a varsity basketball game at Woodgrove tonight. A few days ago, Reilly posted on Facebook that Rory would be at the game. He got 20 comments... all from GIRLS... in about 10 minutes. So I have to take the kid over there. His public awaits. With the puffy face from all of the crying, I look absolutely awesome. Ugh.
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
14 January 2011
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Hey, I have posted a few comments!!! Anyways.....I am trying something different for me and I am actually going to go camping with my husband and two little ones. I camped a lot when the older two were young and when I was younger....I will just bring a lot of booze with me. I hope you feel better this weekend. Just think, soon Rei can get his driver's license and you won't have to drive him around. Have a super party for little one and enjoy some quiet time with Finn. Change your phone number so the creditors will leave you alone and only give the important people your cell number!!!
ReplyDeleteaot,t
Shan, I am sorry it has been such a crap week. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI have honestly been trying to post but it doesn't always go through. Sometimes it takes three attempts. If it doesn't go through by the third attempt, I get freakin' pissed and give up! And forget trying to do it from my cell. It doesn't ever take my post from my cell.
ReplyDeleteI am soooo busy right now (put in about 10 hours a day Monday-Thursday working on player agent shit for softball for the league that my daughters are NOT even in but no one will step up and take over this position...so I continue to do it so that the girls in my community can have something positive to do like play sports/softball!) Anyhow, I finally took a break today and guess what I did?! Bought a new car! My Denali was killing me with the gas costs. I figured I better downsize before I could no longer afford the car payments cuz all my money was going to gas!!
So now I'm driving a CAR...no more SUV! I bought a Honda Accord (and sorry for those of you hearing about this a second time since I put it on FB).
Enough about moi.
Sorry you're feeling so shitty right now Shan. Maybe try to tune out the rest of the world and focus on that INCREDIBLE FINNtastic man in your life!! He truly is a God send!
Ok gonna get off the computer and go hang with the fam.
Let's see how many times it takes for this post to go through!!!!
It took FOUR times!! But I didn't lose my patience ;)
ReplyDeleteThe one above posted at 1:01am went through the FIRST time!! Wooooo hoooooo for me!!!!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteThis is the third time.I'm trying to let you know that we are keeping up with the good times and the bad. Love you, E ( Where is the spell check on this site? )
ReplyDeleteHey Pink Princess!!!
ReplyDeleteReally? You think that I think you're a big giant pile of poo???? Not a fat chance! I was hoping to lift your spirits and get you fighting with a little jab. No worries here. We still love you bunches! EVERY DAY YOU SPARKLE! You touch someone in a positive way each and every day. At the very least, you make someone laugh.
Here's some smileys for you:
:-) ;-) ~:-) :-* :-{}
happy winking one-hair kiss lipstick
:-0 8-0 *<:-) ;^) :-))
surprised omigod! birthday smirking happy
{:-) O:-) @:-) :-D
toupee angel turban laughing
:-#
lips-are-sealed
Have a great day. Sunny and warm in Petaluma!
xoxox