It seems to me that the only people reading are Toni & Robin. We'll, maybe someone else is reading, but they're the only ones posting. I understand that there have been some issues as far as posting goes, but I've gotta tell ya... I don't give a fat fuck!!! I know it seems that I have a perpetual case of verbal diahrrea, but I actually get a lot out of the give and take that comes along with responding to your posts. I guess what I'm saying is, FIGURE IT OUT!!!! This is supposed to be the MOST user friendly blogging site on the web.
In case you missed it, I'm in a shit mood. I took Rei to his group last night, and let's just say that our conversations in the car both to and from group have left me quite fattutzed.
Teenagers. Jesus. How much more am I supposed to endure? I am rapidly approaching the end of my seriously frayed rope.
Help.
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
Oh you are so not making me look forward to having a teenager! And I will have a teenage girl for that matter! I already see little signs that I am not a fan of at all :(
ReplyDeleteaot
r~
Well Howdy Doody Miss Sunshine!!
ReplyDeleteMy apologies for not having written all week. It has been a super fantastic sparkling week that has been very busy. I remember it being Monday and I woke up this morning to discover Friday is here. WOW how did that happen?
My awesome news of the week is that I saw the doctor for my follow up after he took me off the BP meds. He did a complete blood work up...my first in about 4-5 years and EVERYTHING came back within normal range and is functioning within normal ranges. None of them were on the high side of normal either. He said they were great results and to keep up with my diet and exercise. I was ECSTATIC!!!
I have been doing very well with my eating and my exercising. I'm getting my butt kicked twice a week by my trainer, BUT the biggest thing...I have only eaten TWICE in a restaurant in the past three weeks!!! That has been the biggest hurdle since my mum-in-law LOVES to eat out and has been very insistent about. Well that was until I told her I was on low sodium and low fat diet under doctor's orders which meant no more restaurant food! Means I have been able to stay at home and cook!! Yeehaa!!! LOVE IT!!!
I know I have lost some weight but I have no idea how much. I haven't been on a scale since March 2010. But the clothes are loosening up so something is disappearing from somewhere!
I just realized that this Monday is Martin Luther King Day. Do you realize it was three years ago on Martin Luther King day that Brad was diagnosed. It was January 19, 2008. There are times it seems like only yesterday and then other days when it seems so long ago. Five months after Brad's diagnosis is when this pink ray of sunshine with the most outspoken mouth I have ever heard walked into the caregivers support group and my life has never been the same since!! Hmmmm wonder who that was!!
Must away and get some more business stuff done.
Love Ya!
Helen
I,m glad you mentioned it. I miss all the peeps!! I used to log into CB even if you hadn't posted just to read the guestbook. Not that I don't love our little chats, but variety is the spice of life.
ReplyDeleteHap hap hap eeeeeee 3 day weekend!! TITS!!!!!!!!! Hope the co-moo-te isn't too bad. I put the "moo" in because, afterall, it is a fucking cattle drive. I have 101 South to 85 South branded on my ass.(there was plenty of room, hee) Weasel, have a great weekend!! I will be doing my best Picasso impersonation........trying to paint the bathroom and the attached closet. Oh joy. It wouldn't be so bad if "Her Hine-Ass" wasn't lounging on the veranda, sipping lemonade, pointing out the blades of grass I missed. If I end up in the "girl's pokey" for assault will you bail me out?? AGAIN!! Hahahahahaha! Good times. Peace out Girl Scout. L. To
PFFFFFT!!!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteI HAVE been posting. Maybe I should write about something important! You giant POOP!
xoxox
~AN~