Howdy doody noodles. I'm enjoying my favorite little secret escape for a while. Yes, I'm pathetic, but my favorite thing to do by myself is to get a smoothie at Robeks, and pull into a spot in front of Starbucks. Then I can steal their free wifi from the comfort of my car, and write. :0) I have to tell you something heeelarious.... yesterday, just for the helluvit, I googled 'shantastic'. First of all, I was NOT pleased to see how many Shantastics there are on the web. What the fuck???? Who ARE these bitches???? Don't they know that I'M the original???? The only TRUE Shantastic??? Grrrrr... anyhoo, the first thing that popped up was a definition in the Urban Dictionary. It said, "SHANTASTIC"... This is a term used to describe the level of amazingness of an event or incident. Usually sexual, this word is known to replace or provide a substitute for the term 'orgazmic'." WHAT???? Oh my God... I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants.
Yesterday turned our to be fabulous. I slept in for HOURS, which I never get to do. Then we just padded around the house, doing this and that until Reilly asked us to leave. Wha??? He said that he and Rory wanted to have a dude's day, and that we should go out and do something. Seriously???? Don't have to tell me twice... Finn & I were out of there like a shot. We didn't have any plans... wandered around and ended up at Tysons, the most fab mall in existence. And FYI.... anyone who says our economy is hurting, hasn't been to Tyson's Galleria in a while. Holy shit! It was nut to butt in that place! We browsed, people watched, laughed and generally enjoyed being together. We have so much fun doing absolutely nothing. Then we thought it would be a treat to hit a movie, and actually found a theater that was still showing The Social Notework. Awesome movie... absolutely loved it. We hit the grocery store for a few things on the way home, and then passed out after our lovely day. It was great.
So I've been spending a lot of time thinking about this whole book publishing thing. Leigh Ann seriously knows her shit, and if she thinks I'm going to have to do tons of research about the genre, immerse myself in similar authors, take classes about memoir writing and basically start over with the narrative, she's probably right. I barely have time to pick my ass these days.... I certainly don't have time for all of that shit. So for now at least, I'm just gonna keep blogging. Remember that movie Julie & Julia? That chick started out just writing a blog, so you never know. It's all about readership, and that takes word of mouth. So if you know someone you think might like to read this drivel, pass along the info, would ya?
I also looked up the Oprah show yesterday. They always have a section that lists all of the shows they are working on, and you can apply to be on the show if you fit with one of the relevant topics. One of the shows they're working on is 'Nightmarish In-laws'. Hmmmm..... think I'd qualify for THAT one? They've never HEARD shit like I've gone through with these people. It sounded promising, so I clicked on it. The bad news? It said that you AND the in-laws have to be willing to appear on tv with Dr. Phil. I'd do it in a hot minute. Those oozing anal warts? Never.
Speaking of hideous in-laws, I guess I'll get back to filling you in on the back-story. The Cactus is a horrible man. One of those people who spends every minute of his life being pissed off... about everything. He's incredibly demeaning to those around him, and seems to take great pleasure in telling his wife and his younger son how stupid they are. It's really gross. In fact, just before David was diagnosed, we had come to the decision that we needed to cut ties with his parents. They are SO toxic and brought nothing positive to our lives... we really didn't want the boys exposed to that shit. David had endured that for his entire life, but there was no reason to put our children through that. But then came the word 'cancer' and we were a little busy focusing on other things.
The Cactus and I had not spoken since October of 2008. They were around fairly often and the tension that they brought was unbearable. At that point, at least the Troll was able to be mildly pleasant to me, but the Cactus? He just seemed enraged ALL of the time. We all attended one of Rory's soccer games one morning, and afterward I took the opportunity to try and smooth things over with him. I simply asked him, "why are you so angry with me?" and that was IT. I didn't have the opportunity to utter another word. He spent a solid 30 minutes ripping me apart... telling me what a horrible wife and mother I was, that they'd never liked me, never wanted David to marry me, that I was pathetic, useless, helpless... etc. He was a crazed lunatic. SCREAMING at me in public... at the soccer field with a good 300 people or so looking on. I was sobbing hysterically... so hurt and so shocked at the pure hatred that he spewed at me. Keep in mind that at that point, I was in month 7 of full-time caregiving for my deathly ill husband, trying to handle the kids and their uncertainty and grief, and basically just trying to keep my head above water. He eviscerated me. He took any remaining shreds of self-esteem or good feelings I had about myself and ripped them into bloody pieces. Just a few days later was the HUGE 40th birthday party that I threw for David, and I made sure his parents knew that I wanted them there. He never even made eye contact with me. I also included them in our Christmas celebration, as I did every year, and again... nothing. He acted as though I didn't exist.
Fast forward to June of 2010, as David was making his final descent. We were at his girlfriend's house. I prefer to call her the Skank. The Cactus approached me and apologized for his past behavior, and said he hoped we could work together to make all of the final arrangements. It was incredible. We had some wonderful conversations. It was the first time that I had ever witnessed his humanity and I can remember telling the people around me that I thought maybe, having to face losing his son had caused him to have an awakening of sorts. He vowed to help me untangle the hideous web of a financial disaster that David had created. FYI... he lived that last year of his life like he was a fuckin' Rockefeller. Taking trips and spending money on God knows what. And he also promised that he'd make sure we were taken care of. That's a promise that he made AGAIN, to David's FACE, in the final days of his life. It was just the 3 of us in the hospital room and David asked his dad to "take care of Shan and the boys". He swore that he'd take care of us and that there was nothing for David to worry about. David KNEW the financial mess he was leaving me. I had NO idea the magnitude, but HE did, and I know that his dad's promise gave him great comfort in his last days.
The Troll & Cactus had ALWAYS believed that I was a gold-digger and a crazy spendthrift. Yeah.... TOTAL gold-digger.... that's why I married David as a 22 year old Navy Ensign. Puuuhhhlleeeez. Cactus offered to go through all of the bills and figure out how bad it was. It turns out that David hadn't even opened ONE piece of mail since his botched radiation treatment at UVA in February of 2010. There was an entire garbage bag full of bills he'd never addressed. The only reason I had no idea how bad things were, is because he had thankfully put all of the bills regarding my home on auto-pay. I had been asking him for months to let me start paying my own bills, but he never wanted to relinquish that control. I thought it was a wonderful thing that the Cactus was going through all of that shit.... he could see for himself that David was the one who'd spent all of that money. I hadn't even used a credit card since he left me... I was debit only. David, on the other hand, opened every credit account he could get his hands on. At the time, we were talking about revolving credit debt in the vicinity of 80 grand. I have since gotten notice of another delinquent account with a balance of 33 grand.
I'm not sure what happened. As quickly as the Cactus had warmed to me and offered his help, he flipped the switch again and reverted to demon from hell. I can only guess that he was incredibly angry... angry that David was dying, angry that he'd been so careless about his finances... and he had to be mad at someone. It all had to be SOMEBODY'S fault.... and that somebody turned out to be me.
I'll leave you with that for now. Let's just say that the 2 weeks between David's death and his funeral were all but unbearable, largely due to the interactions I had with the Cactus. And you pretty much know when you're going to a funeral to bury your husband and the father of your children, that it's gonna be a bad day. I had NO idea that his parents would make it their mission to disrespect me and hurt me as much as they possibly could on that day. If it's possible for a funeral experience to be even worse than you ever dreamed in your most hideous nightmares, that's exactly what they were able to make happen for me. And you haven't heard anything yet.
Miss Robin... give your in-laws a special squeeze from me. You are so blessed to have them, and they clearly realize how lucky they are that YOU are married to their son, and the mother of their grandchildren. What a gift.
Adios for now...
S
"Experience: that most brutal of teachers. But you learn... my God, do you learn."
-C.S. Lewis
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
09 January 2011
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Honey, I remember all that you posted as if it was yesterday. All I can really say is thank God that you have Finn and his wonderful children to comfort you. You will always have to have some type of interaction with David's parents.....pleasant or not......I know you can handle it and set them straight when they need it.....Blog often and we love you!!!
ReplyDeleteHey Shannon - Did you ever check out that book/script link I posted. It is really powerful as far as getting the chapters lined up. I saw you have it listed out. Anyway it is good software. I found that working is exhausting mentally - even if it is part time. Something about being "on" it is very different from dealing with your own shiz all the time. I went back to try to catch up. I wonder if that Hank dude is disolving the company for the purpose of reserecting it under a different organization and thereby keeping the projects David did but not paying you the majority shareholder. I would not put it past anyone at this point. That sucks that the Cactus and the troll stole the old 89 Journal. You have the letters and the memories. Still that was underhanded and creepy = oh wait so are they.
ReplyDeleteMy parents are still here. December my electric bill doubled - thanks parents. Seriously. the usage doubled. They must be jacking up the heat when we are not here. My mom keeps a heating pad on for days. I keep finding it plugged in on high and no one around it.....Collin's Eagle court of honor is Jan 19th they were staying for that. They also have not done the crap they said they were going to do like get the RV running or following up the the house permits - some were missed and if they ever want us to buy this place or sell it to someone else they will be screwed till they do it. My dad plays this stupid computer game for 5-6 hours a day and gets nothing accomplished. I am considering hiding his electrical cord to the computer. Call me cheap but since I can afford to lose some weight, when I make dinner I try to make enough for one serving. Seriously, do people really need more than that. At a restaurant you get one serving and you are satisfied. The rest is for lunches. So I had Andy trained but between him and my Dad both go and finish the pot and leave me nothing for lunches. It is so ridiculous. Then I remind them that everyone had healthy plentiful servings so why are they eating more. My Dad has diabetes and is way over weight and sits on his ass in front of the computer and Andy is starting to add some weight too and sits around..... My Mom tells me to serve up the dinner and put everything away. I love my parents, they just make me nuts. This game my dad plays - it is an addiction and it takes away any willingness to accomplish anything. Funny thing is the game came from that Scholastic Fair and is called civilization - it is a historical based game. IT is like CRACK for HISTORY BUFFS
AOT
Spunky
Shannon - I am hating posting on your site. Sorry but it is true. I write a long message and go to post and I lose it everytime in the process of posting. It also makes me sign on as my Dad because I have a yahoo account and yahoo is not listed.
ReplyDeleteDid you check out that writing software I linked to you? It is a good program.
My parents are making me batty. Still here. My blind mom turns on every light and leaves it on and the heating pad is always on = turned to high and abandoned. My Dad is addicted to this stupid computer game I got from Scholastic years ago - Civilization. I am ready to hide his electric cord.
I wonder if that Hank guy is trying to redo the company under another name so that you are out of the picture shareholder wise. It would make sense. That way he can still use D's work and pay you nothing for it. Is he using the excuse that the corp lawyers are causing financial strain is that why he is threatening bankrupt.
Working does strain your energy because you are "on" mentally. Could that be the trigger for your funk? Bonnie always gets made at me when I tell you to eat a banana so I will just say - make sure you have some good multi vitamins with potasium and b complex - may help. Even my boring job - I am the staple pulling queen..Mind numbing as it is - leaves me exhausted. OMGosh my Boss - Okay he is an overgrown "fratboy" and you know how I love to use the term frat! Pull your pants up man - college is long over....I think he grew a beard so people would take him more seriously but seriously the dude needs to stop dressing like a college kid....anyway was on my case because this envelope was sent to JAPAN instead of HAITI and he accused me of doing it....I believed I did it too and was really upset about it......He went on and on about the shit storm it has caused....(yes, he actually said shit storm) So I am pulling up my history of UPS shipments - Well......I am redeemed. He, actually was the one to have sent the package to JAPAN not freaking me. Plus! The customer gave him the address and instructed him to send it there to JAPAN- So Bossman is redeemed but he never freaking apologized for accusing me of mishandling the package. I am pretty careful about what I send and how I send it so I was kind of shocked when he thought I messed up.
Oh well....Not responsible for any shit storms so I am kind of happy about that. Back to wasting company time planning my son's court of honor.....LOL....Actually didn't but was so pissed last week considered it. Damn work ethic!!!!!! DAMN DAMN DAMN
AOT
Spunky