Hey cheesies... wasabi? Better today.... entirely because of my Finn. I took Rory to the game last night. You would not BELIEVE the fan club that kid has. Unfortunately, I do not enjoy the same level of popularity that he does. Let me amend that. The teenagers DIG me, and why wouldn't they? I'm fuckin cool. Yeah... I said it. Deal with it. The parents though? Not so much. I don't know why it makes me feel like such shit. I mean honestly, these people don't know me and I could give a fat fuck about what they really think about me. I guess it's just the instant judgement that makes me nuts. A 10 second up/down glance turns into visible disdain on their faces. What IS that??? Would you be more comfortable with me if I wore 'mom jeans' , had the same hairdo I did in 1995 and drove a minivan? Get a fuckin GRIP people. Simply because I actually CARE about how I look and I'm a little funky and spunky, doesn't mean I'm a whore. I'm TELLING you.... THAT'S how they look at me. Ignorant assholes.
Got home from the game with the boys at about 9:45. Finn was on the bed on the computer. I plopped down next to him and we both promtly fell asleep. On top of the covers. In our clothes. Yeah.... exhausted. This morning I needed to run and pick up some meds at my therapist's office. My psychiatrist has been wonderful and is giving me samples of one of the meds I'm on because of my insurance. I've been out of it since last Friday, but just haven't been able to get there to pick it up. I'm hoping that having it back on board will help me wrestle the funk more effectively. Then I sped over to the craft store to get more chocolate for pretzel making. Rory wanted blue, blue, BLUE... so I got 2 shades of blue chocolate to go over the white. I'm not doing any goodie bags this year... seriously going bare bones with this party. I got the smallest package... not even doing pizza. Sorry folks! Jump in your jammies, have a piece of cake, take some pretzels and get the fuck out. This place has CRAZY tight rules about bringing in anything from the outside, but I'll tell you what.... if they try to give me even a TINY speck of shit over the pretzels, I'm gonna fuckin throw down. Those fucknuts don't want me opening up a can of whoop ass, cuz I'm in just the right mind to fuckin USE it!!!
Got home and was soon up to my armpits in the pretzel project. Evidently I am insane, as I decided to make a SECOND batch... in ALL different colors, mind you... for the oncology nurses at Raj's. I haven't stopped by there in a while and they always loved my treats. Thought I'd surprise them with something yummy. Now my back hurts like a fuckin bitch, cuz I worked on the damn things for 5 hours straight. And I don't have time to lay down and rest... I have to go to Wegman's tonight to fetch that god damned cake. FUCK!!! My eyeballs are about to fall right out of my head.
Here's just one more example that proves I have, in fact, gone bananas.... Reilly wanted to have a friend at Rory's party... another teenager to help him bounce the kids. Big shocker, he's bringing a girl. :0) Her name is Megan and she is a sweetie. But, she also has 2 little brothers and they all live with their single dad, so she needs a ride. Nevermind that she lives in Hillsboro, which is in the OPPOSITE direction, I actually told Reilly we'd pick her up on the way. What an ASSHOLE I am!!!! As it is, we have to BE at the damn place by 9:45 a.m. ARGHHHH!!!! Oh well. I'm happy to do it because it's her. She has been a VERY good friend to Reilly... especially last summer. They spent a lot of time together talking about what he was going through. And her dad is a sweetheart too. He always goes out of his way to come talk to me at school events, and doesn't seem worried that his reputation may be sullied simply because he's seen talking to me.
Better scram... gots to fetch the cake. Fuckin Maggie Moos. Dumb assholes. At least I know how scrumdilly the cakes are from Wegmans... yum.
Later.
xoxo
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
Glad Finn was able to make you feel better today! I am watching the NFL play-off, and Cook is watching the Australian Open. Bella is licking her bowl. Not a crumb spared. Sounds like you were very busy. Hope you get to kick some chicken this weekend. Toddles, T
ReplyDeleteEnjoy the party today :)
ReplyDeleteSorry those other ignorant parents continue to make you feel like shit. Really? Are we still in high school?
aot
r~
It's really interesting how grown adults can act, isn't it? I will have to send you a private message about some experiences I've had lately.
ReplyDeleteSo glad that Finn took such great care of you. Give that guy a hug from me!
Love ya!
Bon