I guess I should clarify that... they don't dig me. They don't know who I am. They is the doc. He calls me Number 2. Really. He does. No big whoop. There hasn't been a new person in his office in over 10 years, and then 2 of us started the same day. The other chick was hired first, so she's Number 1 and I'm Number 2. I would be offended if I wasn't TOTALLY clued into the fact that doctors are generally assholes. True, he's merely a dentist... but still a doctor. I've met more doctors in the past 3 years than I care to remember. A small handful of them were lovely people... and one of them was an angel on earth. In general though, a bunch of shitheels. Anyhoo.... the one who really digs me is Val, the office manager. She's the one I actually work with, so hers is the only opinion that matters. I was doing a shantastic job today... even more than usual ;-) ... Val came back to my desk and said, "You're a fuckin' BADASS!" Oh really? Tell me something I don't know. Bwahahahaaaaaa!!!! And can you even believe I landed in a place where the office manager would talk to me like that during my second week???? Hellllooooo.... methinks this office is a perfect fit for Shan!!! :0) Yup... a VERRRRY good day at work. A good day at home too.. just long. Lots of homework, piles of laundry, dinner, clean-up... you know the drill. Me tired.
This will be a short entry... it's 9:40 p.m. and I just finished folding. MUST get in the shower asap, before I start to offend myself! One weird thing happened today... for the VERY first time since he died, I had a fleeting thought to call David and ask him something. I know that's really common for most people after someone dies, but it had never happened to me before. Not only do I not really miss him, every cell in my body knows... every second of every day... that he's dead. But today I had a question. I guess it's because I've been writing a lot about his parental units, so they've been on my mind. Eeew. Anyhoo, I wondered if they knew he was leaving me before I did. Obviously, it doesn't matter. I'm just curious. I don't know why I hadn't ever wondered that before. That day... June 6th 2009... we had all been together watching the boys play sports. It was a Saturday. In the early morning Rory had soccer in Ashburn, and then Reilly had an 11:00 lacrosse game in East Jesus... aka Vienna. The whole day was very tense. Neither the troll nor the cactus spoke to me or even looked at me. I can remember being at the lacrosse game... it was fucking BALLS hot and I just wanted to be away from them. David was in a pissy mood too. Hmmm.... I think I may know why! So I busied myself with Rory and took tons of pictures of him. I got so many cute ones, but I can't enjoy them. The second I see one of them I think, 'that's the day he left me'. The plan was for all of us to go out for lunch after Reilly's game, but I just couldn't take it. We had come in separate cars, so I asked David if he minded if I skipped lunch and went to the club. Fine with him. So that's what I did. When I got home, he took off to the club to do laps. It was shortly after he drove away that I disovered the note he left on my bathroom sink.
I really hope they didn't know before I did. I know... let it go... but it bugs me.
Supposed to snow tomorrow.... we'll see!
Nite nite...
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
10 January 2011
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