Hey nubbins. NOT happy that it's Monday. It has nothing to do with going to work... it was just such a fantastic weekend that I hate to be done with it. We were planning to take advantage of the fact that Jayden & Leilei were at their mom's and get all kinds of shit done. How'd that work out? We accomplished absofuckinlutely nuthin. And I LOVED it!!! I think it's really important to allow yourself to be a lazy puddle o' goo every now and then. Finn & I snuggled up in bed and watched a couple movies, and the boys watched movies and played games together. It was sublime. Especially since my poor Finn was horrendously sick all week. :( He's one of those guys with a steely constitution who NEVER gets sick, and this thing knocked him on his ass. He even missed a couple days of work, and he does NOT do that. With him being sick, my anxiety was through the roof. I've always had a touch of the germophobia, but as soon as David got sick it spun completely out of control. Having a neutrapenic cancer patient in the house... someone with NO immune system; no white cells, no red cells, etc... and having 2 kids bringing home germs from school, sports, etc. It made me CRAZY. Seriously. It became a real problem. Real enough that I had to be medicated to ease my germophobia-related anxiety. It helped immensely, but the fear is still there. Even though I no longer have a cancer patient in the house, germs & illness of any kind STILL send me reeling. I think it's one of those things that's etched into your psyche forever. Remember the whole H1N1 thing? If David had gotten that, he would have been dead in less than 24 hours. Talk about striking fear into your soul. I know my intense fear is abnormal... people get sick. It happens. But knowing that doesn't change anything... my mind goes where it wants to go and I have to figure out how to deal with it. You think the fact that I now have FOUR kids in the house doesn't scare the holy shit outta me? It DOES. But thank God for my Finn. He understands the root of my fears and does everything he can to help me through those episodes, WITHOUT making me feel like a complete nutjob. And let me tell ya, THAT is greatly appreciated.
More to say, but I'd better scram. Happy to tell you that I made it to the club this morning. :0)
xoxo
S
"Give your attention and energy to trust, love, abundance, education and peace."
-Rhonda Byrne
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
10 January 2011
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Hellooooooo. Sorry about my smelly mood on Friday. Stress caused by wanting to strangle certain people countered by not wanting to go to jail. Tried to catch up a little. Happy you had a great weekend! I organized the house all weekend and watched football. Also a couple of tennis matches. Hard to stay in a crappy mood with Cook around, she cracks me up. Anyhoo, on the book front, I actually think D's friend is right. Not in a bad way. I have often thought about your book, and in my humble opinion, the work is in the structuring. If you were to write the thing chronologically, you would have a linear story, but I just don't think this is your best bet. Not enough power. Not only from a volume sense, but also from a narrative stance. The power of your writing is not in the actual events, but rather your response to these events. Just off the top of my head, I would begin a list of some kind. "People, Places and Things." or "Top Twenty Realizations." or "Spiritual, Emotional and Physical" Something like that. Not so much about a traditional beginning, middle and end. Just thoughts. Brainstorming..........Have a great week. L. To
ReplyDeleteAnd then I have to disagree somewhat.Too much overwriting and re-writing can also take the sting out of the work. The "off-the-cuff" style you have is very enegergetic and you don't want to slow that down with a bunch of after thoughts. Yes, I am sure many people have cancer stories to share, but they do not have your voice, which is where your strength is. Your voice already sets you apart so underscore this with a creative, non-standard format along with a striking title. This is a horrible example, but it gets the point across......"The Gift of Cancer" or "My Muse Cancer". Set the thing on it's edge. More thoughts. I'll stop pushing. Hee. L. To
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to the germ thing. When Richard Brett was in treatment, it was very hard because Jenna was a pre-schooler and you know how germy little kids are! I used to bring her home and have her immediately changer her clothes and wash up. We also had "hospital" shoes and "regular" shoes. We never wore hospital shoes in the house since hospitals are so full of germs. I tried to make everyone take their shoes off all the time but they were resistant so I took what I could get. I certainly can make you crazy...especially if you are already prone to germophobia~
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ok...on another totally different note, does anyone else have to hit "post comment" more than once in order to get that weird word you have to enter or is it just me. It doesn't look like it's doing anything so maybe I am just impatient and feel the need to keep hitting "post comment"
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