Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

17 January 2011

Kid Party... check.

 Fun in the moon bounce.
 Lovin' my guy.
The famous pretzels.

Yo noodles... happy Monday. Not much time to write this morning... I made some goodies for my oncology nurse peeps and want to stop over there on my way to work. Rory's party was mostly a success. There werem't many kids... when I booked it, I completely forgot that it's a holiday weekend. Everyone and their brother around here has a vacation home... at the beach or in the mountains... so lots of 'em were out of town. Oh well. The jammie thing was really cute. Pump It Up parties are pretty common, but no one has had a PumpJama party before. The kids all thought that was pretty cool. I don't think it hurt that Finn, Reilly & I wore our jammies too. :0) Rory had a great time.... most of the time. There were a few times when he came out of one of the moon bounces and dissolved into tears, saying how much he missed Daddy and that he wished Daddy was there. Fuck. He pulled it together though, and ended up having fun. Reilly did a FAB job with the kids. They all love him anyway, and has a blast trying to beat up on him. Let's just say that they all got a great workout. :0) Finn got in too and bounced and tossed the kids around. It was really cute. I absolutely LOVE the way he interacts with the kids... and not just ours... all of them. He is such an incredible example of what a strong, fun, loving man is. After the party, Finn's mom, sister-in-law Dawn, and her 2 kids came over to the house for a while. Her son Devin is 10 and Rory DIGS him. They had a really great time running around and playing for a couple hours, so that was the cherry on top of his sundae. I have lots more pics that I'll try to get posted on shutterfly today. Just make sure to have a bib handy.... my Finn is SO darling... you'll need something to catch the drool. ;-)

One SUPER fab thing that happened on Saturday... my new Skechers Shape Ups arrived!!! Yahhhhoooooo!!!! My mamasan gave me a DSW gift card for Christmas, so I ordered tham last week and I LOVE them!!! SO cute! Gotta fly... have a good one. 

xoxo
S
 Oh yeah......
 Me luvvvvvvves them!
Goodies for my nurse peeps. :0)
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4 comments:

  1. MerMonday, January 17, 2011 11:18:00 AM

    I wish I was one of those nurses getting one of those amazing pretzels!! :) They look awesome!

    You, my friend, are an amazing woman and I am so proud of you!!

    Just wanted you to know that!
    Love you bunches!
    Mer

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  2. ~Mom~Monday, January 17, 2011 12:57:00 PM

    Sorry I didn't post yesterday....Really sick on some bad restaurant food. Sounds like everyone had a blast at the party. I have seen these pretzles before....works of art.
    I know that Rory's heart is breaking for his dad. Poor little munchkin. I would call it a really big deal that he pulled it together and got through the day. He is learning to manage his emotions. You are doing amazing work and allowing only positive people in your life and only the ones who care. God bless you all.
    Lots of love,
    ~AN!~

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  3. ToniMonday, January 17, 2011 3:12:00 PM

    Oh my goodness, Finn wore his jammies too! That is true love! Can't show Cook your Skechers, she has a plain white pair. I'll never hear the end of how cute your's are. Happy to hear your little guy enjoyed his bounce party. If I bounced kids you would be calling an ambulance. "Um, yes, we have a dozen kids stuck in the rafters. A very large women tried to bounce them." Hee. MLK Day so we are off. Yipee. The house all to myself. Later, T.

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  4. ElaineWednesday, January 19, 2011 7:09:00 PM

    Those pretzels look sooooooo yummy! You should have your own sweet shop missy!

    ReplyDelete

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