***Express gratitude for life's riches on a regular basis.***
***Take it easy on yourself when you cannot make something happen.***
***Learn to make peace with whatever is present.***
-Instant Karma
Yep... hangin' in my mobile office once again. Reilly has a Cotillion event this morning... skating at the outdoor rink in Reston. Bummer for him... it's only 17 degrees this morning!!! Ouch!!! Oh well... better him than me. At least I'm toasty in my car. :0)
I went with Finn yesterday afternoon to drop of the kids with their mom. What sould have been a 45 minute exercise... MAX... ended up taking HOURS. That idiot girl has GOT to be the most irresponsible jack-ass on earth. She keeps him waiting EVERY time. He has vowed to never meet up with her again... to insist that she come to our house to get the kids... but he's such a sweetheart that he wants to help her out and always seems to relent. I guess it makes me mental because WE are the ones raising the kids... feeding them, clothing them, etc., and she doesn't contribute ONE RED CENT. Grrrrr.... she claims that she's using this time to 'get her life together', yet she's working part-time... 18 whopping hours a week. Hellloooooo..... go get a second job and bust some ass, girl! Ugh!!!! I'm raising 4 kids, working part time AND trying to find a second job. She's got NOTHING but free time... get busy, biznatch!!! What a fuckin' tool.
I'm SO not looking forward to Tuesday... the Shareholder's Meeting at SDSI. I'd rather have my toenails ripped off one at a time. I just got a lovely $2000 bill from my attorneys, and now I need to pay 500 bucks an hour to have this guy at the meeting with me. Well, he doesn't HAVE to be there, but it certainly makes sense to have him with me. If the shares end up being worth nothing, then I'll just be pissing in the wind. BUT, if by some miracle there is a payout offer, the VERY best thing I can do is have representation present.
Speaking of attorneys, I HAVE to get in touch with the medical malpractive guy and get the ball rolling with the UVA case. I haven't done it yet because frankly, it's another thing that makes me want to gouge out my eyeballs with a spoon. Hmmmm.... it certainly seems that most, if not all, of this death business is positively heinous and makes me want to go hide in a cave. And this weekend I'm going to have to FORCE myself to gather as much of the loan mod info as I possibly can. They've given me a deadline of February 10th to get everything submitted... no clue how I'll make that happen. I wish I had someone that could walk me through all of this, or better yet, do it FOR me... it's all just so hard to face. That probably sounds pretty stupid, but it's a fact.
I also just got ANOTHER bill from the County Commisioner's office... some shit relating to the 'estate'. They have figured out a bazillion ways to collect money. It's fuckin gross. I also have another court date looming.... the second one in my capacity of Estate Administrator. I got something in the mail yesterday addressed to "Shannon Streight, Estate Executrix". Eeeew... that makes me sound like a dom!!!
No real plans for the weekend. I know Finn wants to make more progress on the jeep... he's getting really close to being able to post it for sale. We also might have a buyer for the Mercedes. It's been quite a struggle... we can't seem to get anyone to offer more than $4000. David bought it for $5100 and I was REALLY hoping to get that much out of it, but it looks like that isn't gonna happen. I'm holing firm at $4500 cash, so we'll see. Cross your fingers... especially since that money is already spent... attorney fees, etc. I'm hoping to get to the touch-up painting in Reilly's room and mancave. We got the cave all set up last weekend and it looks really cool. The major determining factor will be his attitude. I'm NOT going to do it by myself... he needs to participate, or he can go screw. That's exactly why it has yet to be completed. The combo of his apathetic attitude, the way he continues to live like a pig, and the shitty way he treated me and spoke to me the LAST time I helped him... so it has continued to be unfinished.
Have I mentioned that sometimes I want to fucking MURDER my dogs? Generally, it's only one at a time who's the target of my homicidal fantasies. Right now it's Kirby. I don't know what the fuck was going on with him last night, but he started barking at 3 a.m. He has a very specific, sharp bark when he wants either out or in. He and Lola sleep together in a crate, and he was WIGGIN. I finally had to go down and let him out, which means I had to let ALL of them out. If one goes, the rest get jealous and start whining and barking. What a bunch of babies!!! I ended up being awake until sometime after 4. Fuck.
Okay... I'd better skedaddle. I hope you have a lazy Saturday on the books. I'm going to try to add a link to a book... "The Bridge to Forgiveness: Stories and Prayers for Finding God" by Karyn D. Kedar. It's probably the single MOST beautiful and uplifting collection of stories I've ever come across. It definitely helped me to hold on to my faith during much of this journey. And later, it helped me find my way BACK... but meeting Finn is what really sealed the deal for me. It's true... when he came into my life, I started to believe in God again. :0) Me luvvvves him.
Smooches...
S
***Create beauty.***
***Be a student of life... always learning.***
***You don't have all the time in the world, so don't waste it.***
-Instant Karma
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
22 January 2011
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Lazy Saturday my ass. Those words never go together around here. We are just ready to leave for hockey, then off to baseball tryouts, then hopefully a quick bite to eat before basketball...then off to Costco, perhaps an hour at home then off to soccer. I'm tired already!
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Hey Shan - I'm still learning how to post to your new site; hope this works!
ReplyDeleteMary
I had to laugh out loud about when I read your the part of your post about your dogs. We have 3 Labradors. TJ-10, Paws-16 mo and Morgan 6 mo. Paws is the WORST at night. Why does he have to whine at 3a? Can't he just go potty during daylight hours like the rest? Then, if one goes, then they all have to go. Such a pain in the ass!! I sympathize :-)
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