***Accept praise and believe it as fast as you believe a criticism.***
***Believe that life is worth living.***
***Drag yourself out of your sloth.***
-Instant Karma
Okay. It's another day, and I'm trying again. It really doesn't help that I had nightmares ALL night about that hideous skank whore. They were all about how the boys wanted to spend time with her, and for THEM, I made it happen. Of course, in my dreams she was just HORRIBLE to me and the boys absolutely ADORED her. Ugh. It's crazy the places our subconscious will go, isn't it?
Today I'm giving myself permission to be a mostly lazy pile o' goo. I'm going to do some deep cleaning for a couple hours, and then I plan to eat my lunch and climb into bed for a nap. I'm already looking forward to it.
I just applied for 2 more positions with the schools. These parent liaison spots keep opening up... if those fuckin mungwads had hired MOI in the FIRST place, they wouldn't be having this problem. I'm not gonna hold my breath, but there's no harm in applying, is there?
We had a nice evening last night... fun family dinner and then the kids all played like nutjobs. To hear Reilly tell it, he HATES having Finn & the kids in the house. Hmmmm..... interesting. We all have dinner together every night and he's been supremely chatty and pleasant of late. Add to THAT, HE'S been playing with the kids every night. He's even started to soften to Leighanna and is making an extra effort to be goofy with her. Yeah.... he's MISERABLE. Teenaged pain in my ass. He's riding the bus home with his friend Julia today to study for their geometry exam tomorrow. She's one of the kids in the family that has 10... I just LOVE them... they're darling. Her mom Lisa even offered to drive Reilly home, as I'll be with the wee one at his grief group tonight. So far... knock on wood... he's done great on his exams and has even brought up his 2 lowest grades. He's been struggling with geometry all year, but has pulled himself up to a B. Nice! A good grade on tomorrow's exam would help pull it up even more. He's been butting heads with his English teacher and basically stopped turning in work for a while. Idiot. When the interims came home, he saw how far his grade had plummeted, and has since been doing extra work to pull it back up. He's slowly learning that he has to plan ahead, stay on top of things and be responsible. I think it may actually sink in one of these days.
I'm waiting for a call from the intake coordinator at Comfort Zone Camp. They like to do a phone interview to make sure your kids are appropriate candidates for the bereavement camp. Are you fucking KIDDING me??? NO other kids on the face of this earth need that camp more than mine do right now. I AM a bit worried about Rory and his separation anxiety though. He seems to be wrestling more with anger and sadness with each passing day, and has a VERY hard time being away from me. He doesn't even like it when I'm at work. And keep in mind, I'm only working WHILE he's in school... but just the thought that I'm somewhere other than home is upsetting to him. Any chance I've ever mentioned how much I fucking DETEST cancer and the way that it's fallout CONTINUES to hurt my boys?!?!?!?!?! Fucking disgusting, insideous disease.
Better go. Gots to clean. What else is new?
Love ya...
S
***Hey To.... just FYI, Costco has Skechers Shape Ups for 50 bucks. They're not the super shmancy ones, but they DO have colors other than white! Maybe a Valentine idea for Cook? :0)
***Honor the specialness of family times spent together.***
***Live intentionally.***
***Love many things.***
-Instant Karma
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
Glad you are off today and can squeeze in some much needed rest today. Sorry about the nightmares. Take it easy on yourself today.
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r~
Thanx for the tip. Oh and could you come up with something for her b-day in Sept. She will be celebrating the big 5-0. I am planning a blowout at the house. I have a 7 month plan to get the house completely tricked out. I will be d.j.ing, of course. She wants a car, so I'm going to try and make that happen. Spoiled rotten brat. If you think of something cheaper she might like better let me know. Big hug and a kick in your tiny ass, T.
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