***Get back up when life throws you.***
***Keep asking questions and seeking the answers.***
***Trust the knowledge to be there when you need it.***
-Instant Karma
Fuck. Ran over to Target this evening to pick up my new scrip. Remember last week when I went to refill my daily tummy meds and it was going to cost me $577.00 ???? Well... it took me a few days to be able to even deal with it and address the problem. Yes, I DO realize that has become a pattern for me. Anyhoo, my GI doc is wonderful and knows my whole situation. David was a patient of his too, so he knows everything. He had 3 assistants working on this issue for me Thursday and yesterday. He switched me to a different drug that's a lot cheaper. You know what's fucked up? About a year ago, I had to switch from THAT drug to the one that costs $577 because my FORMER insurance company said IT was too expensive. I fucking HATE pharmaceutical companies. You cannot begin to imagine the way they throw money around on ridiculous extravagances and kick-backs to doctors, all the while, people are literally DYING because they can't afford their meds. It makes my flesh crawl. So I get to the pharmacy, and the new scrip I got is still going to cost me $216.00. That's $216 a MONTH people. What the fuck am I gonna do??? Every time I feel like I've made the tiniest bit of progress, something like this happens. It's like someone's trying to tell me... "hey, not so fast! No WAY will you make it through this shit!" Ugh!!!!! I got a part time job, but I don't make squat. I FINALLY got health insurance, but it doesn't cover DICK. You may be wondering why I don't just get a FULL TIME job that has benefits and be done with it. There are a number of reasons, the most important of which is that Rory NEEDS me to be here when he gets home from school. That kid is SO incredibly fragile right now... being here to meet the bus every day is a non-negotiable. Let's also remember that I have very little in the way of marketable skills. It took me 4 solid months of searching EVERY DAY to get the job I have now. I don't think finding a full time position would be any easier. And then there's the fact that I'm only allowed to make a certain amount of money before they start taking away my SSI Death Benefits. The fact is, I'm pretty much fucked six ways til Sunday. I see NO light at the end of this tunnel... I see NO way to stay in our home... I see NO way to even pay our monthly living expenses. Even with every single extra little thing cut out, we don't have near enough.
I hate this.
I hate this.
I hate this.
I HATE THIS!!!!!!
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
22 January 2011
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