***Accept your experiences, even the ones you hate.***
***We can all do much more than we think, but first we have to believe it.***
***Try to make yourself laugh even when you see little to laugh about.***
-Instant Karma
So I'm going along yesterday, spending a great deal of time on the phone with Comfort Zone Camp, getting them all of the info they need to get the boys set up for their weekend of bereavement camp. Just being a good citizen, going about my business... and I get pulled over. My stupid fucking registration is out of date... haven't had a chance to deal with it. Shit. Oh well... it happens. Well holy fuckin shitballs.... this deputy was a PRICK to the tenth degree. Seriously... he didn't even take 5 seconds to assess the situation and maybe see how I would react. He marched up to my car and immediately spoke to me like I was a convicted child rapist. UNBELIEVABLE. Trust me, I GET it. My tags are dead and I deserve a ticket. But is it REALLY necessary to be a giant, oozing bag of pus??? I have enormous respect for police officers. My Uncle John... one of my favorite people on earth... was a cop for many years. I have quite a number of friends who are married to cops or deputy sheriffs. The point is, me luvvvvves the bacon! I couldn't have been any more pleasant or respectful, and this guy was just intent on being the worst example of a sheriff's deputy that he possibly could. It's assbags like him that give cops a bad name. What a DOUCHEBAG!!! Stupid dick.
I headed home and got busy doing some serious cleaning. Never my favorite thing, but it IS very satisfying to see the finished product. I have more to do today. What am I saying??? I ALWAYS have more to do... the cycle of cleaning never ends. How could it? 6 people... including a toddler and a disgusting teenager... and 8 animals. It's a losing battle. But I'll keep on keepin on.
Rory's grief group last night was a smashing success. He came out of there laughing and skipping... happier than he's been in quite a while. Can I tell you how much I love and appreciate Life With Cancer and their AMAZING programs???? Speaking of which...SUPER BONUS... after months of requests, they are going to start a new Parenting Alone Support Group for us. It will be held at the same time that the kids are in group, and will be facilitated by Saundra Weller... the incredible & fabulous social worker who facilitated the Caregiver's Support Group I used to attend. I'm SO excited!!!! I have missed my support group more than you can possibly imagine and am REALLY looking forward to working with Saundra again.
The cancer train keeps rolling right along. There were 2 new kids at group last night. One of them lost his dad in October. The other's dad just died the day after Christmas. Motherfucker. It never ends. The woman whose husband died in October was visibly shaken. I hadn't even been introduced to her yet, but I walked across the room and asked if I could hug her. She dissolved into sobs in my arms. It felt so good to be there for her. Some of the most profound moments I've experienced along this journey have been at the hands of complete strangers. Once, a woman working at the Piercing Pagoda reached across the counter and hugged me. Another time, a woman in Robeks hugged me and held my hand. And then there was Bruce, a guy who works at the club, who asked me to come to his office and pray with him. You will never know what ONE TINY act of kindness could mean to someone. I guess the message is, don't be afraid to reach out to someone, even if you don't know them. Your acknowledgement of their pain could be the ONE thing that helps them to survive one more day.
If you have time, please peruse the new links I've added to the site. Hellogrief.org is an amazing site. Even if you haven't experienced a significant loss, it might give you some insight as to what we're going through, or how to help people in your life that are grieving. So many people have said to me "oh, people just don't know what to say" or "they don't know how to act around you". I understand that, but I no longer accept it. Get fucking educated. Witnessing and actually acknowledging someone's grief is one of the most powerful things you can do for them.
Wishing you all a happy day and a lazy weekend. :0)
xoxo
S
***If you know someone who is going through a difficult time, do something...anything... to let them know you care.***
***Make sure your friends know you accept them as they are.***
***Be courageous enough to be open and receptive to different possibilities.***
-Instant Karma
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
Hope you guys have a lazier weekend!! T.
ReplyDeleteLet's see.....
ReplyDelete10% of the worst creates 100% of the bad publicity for their organization. Maybe
he needed to arrest someone for kicking
him in the nuts! Just didn't succeed with you.
Love ya like crazy!
Auntie Nut
had this big long post today about how happy I was Rory's group went well and happy that your groups is starting along with the importance of "being there" for new families and such. But this bloggie thing of yours keeps messin with me and deleting my posts and giving me errors and I didn't have time to repost due to my hellish day. There, I said it.
ReplyDeleteAlways thinking of you but gonig to bed now.
aot
r~
Love your 'Instant Kharma' quotes. They are really speaking to me. Thank you for sharing. (:
ReplyDeleteI am so happy for you to get a new support group...very cool.
Your story about hugging the stranger really touched me. I am going to try to be more conscientious about reaching out to someone who might need it.
Ok gonna get back to WordFeud! I have become an addict!!! If any of your peeps have Droids and want to play me, my user name is BonnieR. :)
Love ya!
Bon