On The Road to My New Life: Another day...

Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

19 January 2011

Another day...

It's Wednesday. Whoop de fuckin doo. The kids are back to school today. I have to say, they did a great job while I was at work yesterday. I was afraid the house would be trashed upon my return, but they had actually done as I asked and cleaned up after themselves. This fuckin school system is so stupid... it's exam week for the high school students. Since they missed yesterday, now they'll have school on Monday... which had been scheduled as a school holiday... and then they'll have Tuesday off. WHAT???? Just give us the damn 3 day weekend! Whatever. I don't get it.

My sweet Finn cooked dinner again last night. What an angel. That freed me up to clean, which is a never-ending process in our house. I think the kids must have had a little TOO much fun yesterday, because they were all screamin' banshees by 7:15. Fuck that... we had 'em all in bed by 7:45. Nice. I continued to excavate in the laundry room & Finn spent hours working on his extra jeep. He wants to sell that baby asap. We NEEDS the cash! You wouldn't believe how talented he is... yes, he's great with the mechanics of it all, but he's also AMAZING with bodywork. I'm blown away by the shit he's done just in our garage. It doesn't hurt that I happen to own every single thing necessary to open up my own shop. Seriously. I had NO idea the car-related shit David had acquired. The bozo couldn't do much more than change oil, but he outfitted the place like he was building cars from the ground up. Finn has discovered all of this stuff just by poking around in the garage. Crazy. At least it's all finally being put to good use and may actually help us bring in some money.

He continues to look for new jobs... there are several positions open for mechanics with Loudoun County Public Schools. That would be PERFECT for him, but we all know how hard it is to get IN with the fuckin school system. Cross your fingers, say a prayer, whatever.... much better pay, better hours & great benefits. PLUS, it's what he REALLY wants to do.

I'm still applying for jobs too. It's pretty clear that this one ain't gonna cut it. I don't want to leave there, but maybe I can pick up something else too. I still really want to start taking classes too, but I don't see how that will possibly fit into the schedule. And seriously, if I was able to go to nursing school FULL TIME, it would still take me 2 solid years. Piece mealing it one class at a time will take about a century. Not terribly appealing.

I finally had a quick visit with the oncology nurses yesterday. I sure have missed them and they were over the moon to get some of my treats.

I had time to post Rory's PumpJama party pics on Shutterfly last night... very cute, so go take a look.

I have a few minutes before heading to work... think I'll peruse the job listings. Ugh.

S