No school today. We had a small ice storm overnight that fucked up the roads pretty badly. So, I had to leave Reilly in charge of Rory & Leilei... Good god... I hope there's no blood spatter when I get home. I was driving in this morning when I realized that this is the first time since I've been a mom, that I didn't get to stay home and enjoy a snowday with the kids... jammies, a fire, movies & hot cocoa. We'd usually bake something too. I have to tell you, it fuckin pisses me off. I'm sure I wouldn't be AS upset if I felt it was actually worth my time to haul balls all the way down here... but for what I'm earning, and all that I'm DOING for that pissy little paycheck... uh, no. It's really too bad, because I DO enjoy this office and it's all busywork, which I've always enjoyed. But just seeing how little I'm actually earning versus how hard I'm working... kinda takes the shine off the whole thing.
Yes... I'm at work as I write this. I shouldn't be writing, but I can't focus. My guts are tied up in knots... worried about money mostly, but other things too. Super bonus? I'm back to binge eating again. Fabulous. I haven't done that since I was taking care of David. We all know how THAT turned out... I blew up like a fuckin sow. I REALLY don't want to do that again, but I can't seem to stop myself. The stress is SO great... I don't even know what the connection is. I just eat & eat... And then I feel even WORSE about myself. Huh. Who knew THAT was possible?
Gotta go. Hope you're in a better mood than I am.
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
Hey I binge eat for ANY reason. It's night, The t.v. is on and I have nothing else to do. I think I will raid the fridge, oh and the pantry. At least you have good reason to scarf. I know we dicussed this briefly the other night, and I don't know all the deets on your job agreement, but could have a sit down and tell them you need a little more? Sometimes you can negotiate. Also, even as you look for something else, your job is worth the few dollars and the experience. Keep looking for something with better compensation. I know, enough advice on the job shiz. And from me of all people.............a regular career wizard.
ReplyDeleteHoly shit, my word verification was "hateman". I jest not. Trippy. Catch u on the flip side, T.
ReplyDeleteOkay, so I just caught up on your last several entries! We had shot up to Redding for the long weekend to visit my Dad and his wife. That fool wife of his convinced him they didn't need the wi-fi my brother set up for them (and paid for!) last year! God forbid that anti-modern-technology-witch would allow our father to have easy internet access! Noooo!! That might make it easier for us to stay in touch with him! Bitch! Anyhoo, I was not able to access the internet like I'd planned and am just now catching up on everything.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear you're feeling like a pile of poo again. I feel so completely helpless over here. I'd give anything to be able to be of any real help to you...I mean besides playing the lottery! ;-)
Love the idea for Rory's PumpJama party! Sooo cute! I'm glad that he was able to have fun on his special day in spite of missing his daddy. Yeah, cancer fucking sucks big hairy monkey balls!
Love you!
Sue
I just read Sue's post and must say....Sue---I don't picture monkeys having ~BIG~ hairy balls! Or am I missing something?! Maybe gorillas?!
ReplyDeleteShan...I totally get it about the pay with work. There are soooo many days when I sub and say 'this is sooooo not worth the money'!!!!
I hope this doesn't make you feel worse. I am going to copy and paste a little something that my friend's daughter put on FB. I thought it was beatiful. They suddenly lost their dad three years ago from a brain aneurysm. Here ya go:
Looking at your picture tonight, listening to a song that makes me think of you. I realize your voice is slipping farther and farther away from my ears, as your warm touch disappears. Everything I do is for you. Every breathe I take is because you gave it to me. I don't know why you had to go, but I want you to know that I still love you Daddy.....Forever these feelings will be in heart, until the day I say,"Hello"(:
Beautiful, huh?
Love ya!
Bon
Hey sweetie...hit the gym....those endorfins will kick in and curb the appetite.
ReplyDelete