Cinco de Mayo... one of those days when I really miss being able to have a margarita. Damn. My mouth is watering!!! I'm sorry to hear that you're in a funk To, but I think it may actually because you've been HITTIN' THE PIPE!!! What the FUCK are you talking about??? And when did you become a CRACKHEAD??? So you're not even on Facebook, but you say I'm "keeping 'em guessing" there? Whuuaaaaa??? I guarantee you, I am NOT engaged. I'd be very happy to tell you if that were true, but it is not. And by the way, I've been meaning to ask you... why aren't you on Facebook??? It's SO fun and there are a zillion people that we know on it. I can't tell you how many friendships I've rekindled and how many connections I've made. I know a lot of people just use it to babble about innocuous bullshit, but I've actually built and strengthened relationships through Facebook. I think everyone should get on it!!!
So I have this wad of cash in my purse from selling the car. I'm still debating what to do with it. I'm sure the smart thing would be to put it in the bank, but I'd really rather hit the airport and catch a flight... maybe end up on a month long cruise to nowhere... that sounds positively fab. If I stop posting, you'll know what I decided to do. :0)
Yesterday afternoon I worked my balls off on the pool. Of course, it looks way worse now. That's what happens when you stir up all of the shit. I scrubbed & scooped... scrubbed & scooped... scrubbed and scooped... until it was so swampy green that I couldn't see anymore debris to scoop. I went out this morning and it looks like the scum has settled to the bottom again. I guess that means I'll be back at it in a little bit. I can't imagine how many days/weeks this part of the process will take. Grrrrr. I won't have time to do it this afternoon... Rory has group and then we have to haul ass to South Riding to try and catch the final few minutes of Reilly's last lacrosse game. I wish we could be there for the whole thing, but the lil peanut cannot afford to miss his support group. I can't believe that the season is over already... it feels like it went sooooo fast.
Now the kid is telling me that he wants to play in a summer league, so I need to do some reserch about that. He's also changed his plans for the fall... he decided a while ago that he wanted to try football this year, but now that he's got a job, that's out. They start having two-a-days at the beginning of July. Thank God he's no longer interested... that's a bit much. He's decided instead to run cross-country in the fall and then do weight conditioning during the winter. He's a lil nervous about staying in shape for lacrosse.... there are 90 rising freshman who will be trying out for the team. Just a wee bit more competition!!!
Craigslist time... gotta scram. Have a good one.
xoxo
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
Now you have me craving a margarita...probably not a good idea during the work day but it sure would help this crappy week!
ReplyDeleteThe pool cleaning sounds like a blast. Save some for Reilly to help you with on the weekend. At times I wish we had a pool...then I hear things like this and am glad I don't have the headache. We are having a mini heatwave so now is one of those times it would be good :)
aot
r~
It's 5 o'clock somewhere. In about 45 minutes I will be sitting in front of an icy margarita....Gracias very much! Neener Neener Neener. I have had exatcly 3 drinks in 1 year. Here is number 4.
ReplyDeleteCant wait to hear about what else you've sold. I am such an Ebayer, Craigslister....Fun for me, but a chore for you.
xoxox
Time for a burrito
Auntie Nut