Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

27 January 2011

Yeah... I called it!

Did I, or did I not, predict yesterday that there would be no school on Friday??? Yes, I believe I did... and bingo!!!! They didn't call it until about 6:00 tonight, and Reilly was just SURE I was wrong. Hah! Don't you fucking HATE it when your mom is RIGHT???? The main roads are all in really great shape, but it's these dirt roads that the buses have to be able to traverse. The other major problem is that the school parking lots and sidewalks have yet to be cleared, and they can't open with them like that. Fine with me!!! It worked out schedule-wise actually, as the high schools all finished exams on Tuesday, so they'll just start the new semester when we go back. Finn did a lot of work on our driveway today, but it's still a mess, as is the hill. Even theough the old Ford tractor runs now, I don't have any snow attachments for it... that means all snow removal has to be done by hand. Eew. It boggles my mind that AGAIN, my 'neighbors' didn't do shit to help us. Just like last year, Jim was on his tractor all fuckin day, but never bothered to take a swipe at our driveway. Douche. And when Finn & Rei were cutting up trees on the hill, they talked to Henry who's driveway had obviously been plowed... he said someone came down and plowed it last night. Hmmm... nice that they turned around and went home after that. People can be such shit heads!!!! You KNOW we'd help others if we had that ability. Grrr.... The shitty part is that there's no way Finn's gonna get another free day off tomorrow. :( We did get smart though, and took the kids to their mom this evening. In fact, we left even before we got the official word that school was cancelled. She'd planned to bring them back on Saturday anyway, so you gets 'em early biotch!!! I have to say, it IS nice to get the occasional break. Obviously, my 2 shmoos are always here, but even having a day or two without Jayden gives Finn a chance to play catch up. And it's a SUPER bonus for both of them that he won't have to take the lil man to daycare at 4:30 tomorrow morning. I don't think that chick has ANY  about clue how hard he works or all that he does. I take that back. I guess she has some idea, or she wouldn't have been so willing to give the kids back after a wee month of being a full time parent. That was ALL she could take!!! ONE month and she was DONE!!!
After dropping the kids, we went out for a kid-free meal. Niiiice. :0) Especially after a few days being locked in the house with all 4 of 'em. Then we grabbed dog food... good thing the roads were clear, as I didn't realize the other day that we were almost out. We were down to about 5 kibbles by this morning, and 4 hungry dogs is no bueno!!! We also hit Target for the ol' bread, milk and cereal thing, and then headed home. Da boyz are watching a movie and having a sleepover together in Rei's room. Cute. 
It seems there were quite a few people yesterday who paid ZERO attention to the forecast, as the traffic nightmares were epic. I have one dear friend whose husband left work at 4 in the afternoon. He usually has about a 45 minute drive home. By 5:30 p.m. he was on the GW Parkway... STOPPED. And that's where he sat until 6 this morning. Seriously!!!! And even once he got moving, it was still another 90 minutes before the poor fucker got home. All I can say is... better him than me!!! Sorry Michael!!!
Right now my beautiful man is working on his jeep... again. He wants to sell it SOOOO badly, and we SERIOUSLY need the cash. He's doing a fantastic job... the transformation is amazing. Clearly, this is what he should be doing full-time... we're working on that!
 I wish I had a true 'before' pic... this is after MUCHO bodywork.
 The gutted interior.
 Almost finished sanding.
 Now the whole interior is carpeted.
 Partially through the primer process.
Lookin GOOD!!!
Can you even believe what he can do??? And that's just the bodywork... he re-built the engine & re-wired the whole thing too... I'm SO proud of him. :0) He's planning on painting it bright yellow. That'll make it look SUPER sweet & hopefully bring in some extra bucks. And FYI... it has a race car engine in it.... somebody's GOTTA want it!!! I'm happy to see that all of the money David spent on ridiculous garage stuff that he hadn't the faintest clue how to use, is actually doing some good.... finally!!! 
I'm really hoping the roads don't ice up again overnight. I'm feeling completely fat and disgusting and would really like to get my jiggly mcflabbyass to the club. Also crossing my fingers for a whole night FREE of nightmares. 
Later taters...
S
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2 comments:

  1. RobinFriday, January 28, 2011 1:30:00 AM

    Wow...that is super impressive considering he is doing this in your garage! It must be cold as balls in there too! Coming from my appraiser background, I know what it takes for him to turn this Jeep around and I am impressed with his skills. Thats a guy who should have his own shop!

    Enjoy your snow day

    aot

    r~

    ReplyDelete
  2. ~Mom~Friday, January 28, 2011 4:44:00 PM

    Hey you!

    I will be in super warm Los Angeles this weekend. Thinking about you freezing your arses off. LOL

    Havea a snowonderful weekend.
    Love
    Auntie Nut

    ReplyDelete

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