Yeah... and today was most DEFINITELY one of those. Have you ANY IDEA how fucking hard I worked to master that job??? And I fuckin ROCKED IT.. within DAYS. I have been a sobbing mess off and on since 2:00. Alternately sad and despondent, and then completely enraged. What a fuckin PUSSY that doc is... a spineless, gutless weasel. He knew what he was going to do to me ALL god damned day. I know this because he had my final check printed out and sealed in an envelope. You know what REALLY pisses me off? That losing a part time job that paid me mere pennies can make me feel like such shit. But I loved it there... it was fun & I was good at it.
It just feels like I'm NEVER going to pull out of this. It's not 2 steps forward & 3 steps back... it's more like 2 steps forward & 10 MILES back. What the FUCK??? Every single time I spy a glimmer of hope... every time I get back to a place where I'm even starting to focus on the positive, or starting to be able to pray... another giant landmine explodes in my face.
I am SO OVER all of this drama. I want normal. I want routine. I want boring. It's a damn good thing I have my Finn & these 4 kids... otherwise, you can bet your sweet ass that I would have finally eaten that bullet.
And tomorrow? Face to face with MORE gutless weasels at SDSI. Awesome. I can't wait.
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
Let that anger work for you at tomorrows meeting!
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r~
Shan,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry! What a shit day!! You are right - that weasel know ALL DAY! I HATE wont let our managers to that. It is shitty, exploitative and just damned wrong! "thank you very much for letting me work for you all day, now you lay me off??" What the fuck is up with that. I am know you are a rock star. Let me know if I can help.
As Robin said - channel that anger for tomorrow's events. Good luck!
Just yesterday John said to me "You are the only thing that keeps me going."
ReplyDeleteI certainly understand from the partner perspective about how you are (barely coping) from losing a job and the fear of losing ~ period.
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We here in comment land are with you every step. We are here to hold you up. Everything you have done and accomplished is still there. I am not going to call this some minor hiccup on your path ~ no way ~ this is a major 8.0 earthquake fissure. How to handle it? Get back out there and apply, apply, apply. Don't have to do it now, give yourself time to compose and not to decompose.
I love you honey buns....
~Auntie Nut~
Hope the meeting went well. Meaning, I hope you didn't go to jail. Another beautiful day here. But I can't enjoy it because of this FUCKED UP TOOTH! Just me and Bella and Gino. Poops. Oh and when I finally ventured out into the day, lo and behold, a flat tire on the truck. Ya, bonus. Not quite on the scale of your issues, but FUCKING annoying anyway. And Cook is no help in these situations. In fact, I told her about the tire and she says, "what are you going to to do about it?" Um, I don't know. Right now, I am going to continue to sit here in excruciating pain. So helpful when the shit hits the fan. Obviously, I am being no help in the cheering up deptartment. Hope you blow off a little steam at the meeting. Give those fucksticks all the credit they deserve. T.
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