Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

29 January 2011

SERIOUSLY starting to frost my ass...

Do you realize that I looked every day for FOUR MONTHS before finding that damn job??? And now I'm back to square one. FUCK!!!! Trying to find a job is exhausting, infuriating and fairly demoralizing. You would not BELIEVE the qualifications these places specify, and for jobs that a pre-schooler could do. I'm not kidding. 'Must have a BA and 5 years experience'... to answer phones???? Are you SHITTING me right now??? And what do you think the chances are that I'll find something where I can wear the damn scrubs that I bought? Hmmmm. I'm guessing slim to none, and Slim left 10 minutes ago. IT'S PISSING ME OFF!!!!!! I'm sure D's parental units would get a HUGE laugh if they knew I had a job & lost it after only 3 weeks. Nevermind that I've busted my ass to find something... anything. I'm sure they're still under the assumption that I'm being fanned with palm fronds and fed peeled grapes by a hot cabana boy. Morons. Even though they proved to me over and over again that they are soulless shitbags, I STILL find it hard to believe that they completely turned their backs on us as far as D's debt goes. I guess that kind of behavior is just so far out of my realm of understanding, that I'll never fully grasp it. Forget that they're family.... I would help out a friend if I had the ability. What am I saying? I've DONE that. It was during D's treatment, and we had friends that were in a dire financial situation. I didn't even blink and I didn't ask D either. I just TOLD him it was happening. But these sorry excuses for human beings claim they are "teaching me a lesson" by watching me flail and drown in the sea of debt that their SON created. Yeah... still pretty fucking pissed at those assholes... could ya tell???


Rory had a great time at his sleepover, and I got a couple of bonus hours out of the deal. Just as I was about to go get him, the mom called and said they were having SO much fun, that they wanted Rory to stay until lunchtime. Sweet! Obviously, I was already up and dressed, but I took the opportunity to be lazy just a wee bit longer. :0) It's almost 2 p.m. now & Reilly is still at his friend's house. Fine with me. He flipped the switch again on the drive over there yesterday, and was acting like a HUGE dick. Pretty happy to have him elsewhere at the moment. The little kids will be home at about 5, so I'm thinking we might need to have a pizza and movie night with a fire. 


Finn is working furiously on the jeep until the kids get back. I have never known a man with a work ethic like he has. It's quite something to behold. Have I mentioned that me luvvvves him? :0) 


Not much else to say at the moment, and plenty that needs doing around the house. I know... shocker! Here are a couple shots of my goofy dogs enjoying the snow. 




 Old Ollie... gettin' a little fuzzier. 
 Crazy doggie melee!!!
 Chloe going for the sneak attack... biting Mommy's ankle.
Lola schooling the little girl after the ankle biting episode!

I have LOVED watching the doogs romp in the snow. They've been having a ton of fun. Rotten furballs. :0)

Adios for now...
S

***Learn the art of being silly.***
***Pursue happiness in every corner of your life.***
***Define what is important and ignore what is not.***
  -Instant Karma
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3 comments:

  1. RobinSaturday, January 29, 2011 2:22:00 PM

    Well in all fairness, you do have a hot cabana boy there....

    aot

    r~

    ReplyDelete
  2. Have2CruiseSaturday, January 29, 2011 4:40:00 PM

    What do you mean that you are not being fanned by palm fronds and fed peeled grapes by some hot cabana boy!?!?! Jeepers all this time I thought you were just laying back and enjoying all the hot attention from that Finntastic hottie that you have shacked up at your place! Oh well guess that image is now shattered to smithereens. Hmmm what to think about now...

    Love ya!
    Helen

    ReplyDelete
  3. ShantasticSaturday, January 29, 2011 10:11:00 PM

    Very true girls... I DO have a hot cabana boy here. And while he DOES shower me with love, attention & affection, there is no fanning or grape peeling. We just don't have time... too busy doing other things.

    Okay... get your minds outta the gutter!!!! Awwww, fuck it... keep em there!!! Bwahahahahahaaaaa!!!!!

    ReplyDelete

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