Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010
An evening quickie...
Hey monkeys... I only have a few minutes... about to get dinner on the table. After today's emotional upheaval, I took Rei out to get lunch and then we hit Wegmans. Unfortunately, the happy news we got at the urologist's office seemed to indicate to him that he was free to return to surly, bunghole teenager status. Nice. In the morning it was all mommy, mommy... hug me... I'm scared. And he IMMEDIATELY flipped the switch to mouthy shithead. What the FUCK??? Luckily, I had let him stop to get a couple of movies at the Redbox, so when we got home he disappeared into the basement.
By some MIRACLE, we arrived home just after the baby went to bed for his nap. You know what THAT means... nap time for Shan!!! What better gift after these past few horrendous days, than a yummy nap snuggled up to my sweet Finn. I can't even TELL you what an incredible source of support he has been... more on that later. As I told you earlier, today was a snow day off of school, but we really hadn't gotten much as of mid-afternoon. Well shit howdy... look at what we woke up to after our glorious nap.....
And these were taken at about 5:00!!! It has continued to snow like a beyotch.... meeee likey!!! They haven't called it yet, but there DEFINITELY won't be school tomorrow, and I'm thinking they may give us Friday as well. Finn just ran up to Lovettsville, and they haven't even TOUCHED Milltown yet, and it's a MAJOR road. Now we just need to cross our fingers that they close the park system tomorrow so he gets a free day off. I'm even feeling like I might be in the mood to bake!
Reilly... true to surly teenager form... is claiming to be PISSED that there's no school. Uh, no. What he's pissed about is that his social life is being SERIOUSLY impacted by the cancellation of some big basketball games. Boo fuckin hoo. If there was school, he'd be mad. Now there isn't school, so he's mad. Have I mentioned that 15 year old boys are dicks??? By the way... we were trying to come up with a new nickname for him... 3 ball.. tri-ball... you get the idea. I think Finn nailed it with his suggestion of Plus One... bwahahahahahahaaaaa!!!
Gots to get dinner on the table. I made pasta e fagioli soup and added some roasted garlic chicken sausage. Yummmmm.
:0)
S
Very happy to be smiling again.
I am so happy you are smiling again too :)
ReplyDeleteThat sure is a crap load of snow. Makes me sorta miss it.
Dinner sounds great. You will have to hook me up with some of your fab recipes so I can make something decent in this fab new kitchen (photos on facebook finally)
enjoy & aot
r~
Um, I'm sorry but that snow just looks like a big pain in the ass. I am enjoying sun and 70's. I am Cali thru and thru. However, I know how much you love the snow so I'm glad you got some. Not just for the beauty you see in it, but for all the added benefits.......such as..........say...... not having to go to work. Shannon I am so relieved to hear you are in a better place. I can't say why The Universe is forcing you to carve out this new life. I just can't fathom why one human being should have to endure so much misery. But a long time ago I called you a force of nature, and I really do believe this to be true. I have no doubt, what so ever, you will find a powerful place, a place you have created from this horse shit that will bring deeper peace and security. You have been a hero for your boys, that includes the D-man, and a consistent source of hope, for your peeps, total strangers and most of all yourself. So, to have hooked up just before this shit storm started? As if The Universe had willed me to play a small part in your support team. Keep that heeeeelarious sense of humor and I think you will be o.k. You have been blessed with the love of a wonderful man and his beautiful children, your beautiful children, the love of your family and friends. I know you have a four leaf clover up your ass. Just knowing your out there in the world dropping F-bombs regularly warms the cockles of my heart. Hang tough, T.
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