Hey monkeys... I have to say, I DO enjoy not knowing what day it is... a sure sign that we're on a break from school. :0) Another cold & rainy day today... we've had mostly rain this whole week. Good news for my well, to be sure! It was beautiful yesterday though, so I convinced Reilly to mow. He was NOT happy about it, but after MUCH attitudy Judy mouthiness, he finally relented. He's mostly been pleasant this week, but when he flips that switch I wanna smack him right in the mouth. I find it HEEEELARIOUS that he keeps asking me to stop at the DMV to get him the permit test study guide. Yeah.... suuuuuure. Keep up with the mouth, dude.... you'll be driving in NO time! What a jack-ass.
My sweet Finn & I went and grabbed a bite at Cali Tortilla last night. Super bonus.... I had a $10 gift card, so dinner was only 5 bucks... nice! Then we went out in search of Easter basket stuff for the kids. I've been working on it here and there for weeks, but it's tough to fill those things without spending a bunch o' cash. I need to start putting the baskets together tonight & see what I've got. Need to make 'em at least look full. I'm glad Rory is so little... I don't think he has much memory about the crazy, over-the-top Easter extravaganzas of year's past. Special thanks to my Auntie Nut... that was so sweet of you to send things for all of the kids. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that my family has embraced Jayden & Leighanna... I luvvves you people. :0)
By the way.... I think I need to start referring to my Finn as Roy when I write. Obviously, everyone knows him as Finn because of me, but it's becoming clear that he'd rather everyone else call him Roy. He hasn't said anything, but I can just tell. So Roy it is!!!
The jeep guy came over yesterday and immediately fell in love. Here's the deal though... the jeep won't be for him, it'll be for his brother. The brother happens to be serving in Iraq & will be home in 3 weeks. He found the jeep on the internet & asked his brother to go see it for him. I swear, I think the guy popped a boner when he drove that thing. It has SO much power... Roy said his face was priceless. He even made a sound recording of the engine to play for his brother. :0) They are supposed to talk today... but you never know when one of 'em is in a fuckin' war zone... so hopefully we'll get some good news tonight. Fingers CROSSED!!!!!!
Better hit it.... gonna take my cutie patootie to the club. He's all excited to go to the kid's club and take a swim. He's been such a good boy this week... he deserves it. Have a good one.
xoxo
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
HAPPY EASTER TO ALL THE BUNNIES IN VIRGINIA!! T.
ReplyDeleteHave a Happy Easter. Going to M.A for a family get-to-gether. Remember the Easter Bunny did not rise from the dead. E
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