Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

08 May 2011

Happy Mother's Day :0)

Happy Mother's Day, noodles. So far, a SPLENDIFEROUS day for me!!! Why, you might ask? Because I sold my bush hog for a ROCKIN' price!!! Yeeeeehawwww!!! Yeah, baby!!! Now I need to get my Finn to help me with the tractor. It needs a tune-up and a good cleaning, but this is the time of year to get the biggest bucks for it. Gotta get workin' on that. 


Now that I'm done 'working' for the day, I am deep into enjoying Mother's Day mode. Maybe I'm just a selfish bitch, but I've never understood why we're expected to do something with our kids on Mother's Day. Seriously.... I'm with my kids, caring for my kids, doing for my kids.... every minute of every day. I'd like a day OFF please! So now I am enjoying a smoothie as I write. Next I will stop at Target for a few things & then head home for a nap. Once my sweetie gets home from work, I think we'll go to Los Toltecos for dinner. Mexican sounds yummmmmmy!!! Some me time, a nap & dinner with my guys... that's MY kind of Mother's Day! 


I got another delivery of SPECTACULAR flowers yesterday.... from my mudda & 'the boys'... nice try, mom! ;-)


 Snapdragons... one of my all time faves!!!
I LOVE having fresh flowers in the house! 

Having fresh flowers around is one thing I've really missed. Before cancer, I used to treat myself fairly regularly. I didn't go crazy... I'd usually just grab a bouquet at Costco every few weeks. Not really a smart expenditure for me anymore. That makes me appreciate these all the more. :0)

Got a few more details about Reilly's job. He actually had an on-the-spot interview with Suzanne yesterday. There are all kinds of positions at the kennel. Who knew? I thought everyone just worked with the dogs. Nope! Reilly is going to train to be a 'pack leader'. They follow the program of the guy who is the Dog Whisperer... can't think of his name since I haven't watched tv in so long. Anyhoo.... it's very cool, because she only puts the really responsible kids in that spot. Nice! Next Saturday he'll have orientation from 9-2, and then he has to work 6 training shifts before he can actually start working... 3 morning shifts and 3 closing shifts. There's a new crop of 10 high school kids starting together, so that should make it fun. And get this... the fucker is going to make $8 an hour!!!! When I was slingin' pizzas in high school, I only made $3.25!!! 

Time to make my way to Target. I don't want to be out too long.... there is a nap in my future!!!! Of course, I want to spend extra special love and hugs to my Mama... I think we all know she has gone way above and beyond her motherly duties. She's done that all of my life, but the last 3 years have been especially difficult for all of us. I know I've told you this before mom, but I sure as hell wouldn't have made it through these horrendous years without your constant love, encouragement and support. I love you!!! xoxoxoxoxoxo

I also want to send big smooches to all of my girlfriends... and my aunties too... who have 'mothered' me through this. Bad news for you.... I still need ya!!! 

It's beautiful here today... hope it's the same where you are. Enjoy!!!

Much love...
xoxo
S
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2 comments:

  1. RobinMonday, May 09, 2011 10:26:00 AM

    I hope you got that nap in! We go to Great America every mothers day for Courageous Kids Day throught the American Cancer Society. Yesterday I didn't want to go since I had such a bad sunburn on my legs it hurt to walk. I didn't go on a single ride. The kids had a great time but poor Richard Brett kept worrying about me having fun on Mothers Day. It was pretty chilly and they all went on some water ride near 2pm and were soaked to the core. We should have known something about the ride changed when they added a full body dryer outside of it ($5 for 3 minutes!). So we headed home after that and I promptly took a much needed nap. Karly woke me at 4:40 in the morning and I never got back to sleep because my legs hurt so much. After that, my parents came over for a bbq and we watchted the Sharks game...would have been better if they won though. Anyway...a good day anyway.

    aot

    r~

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  2. Nicole MasonTuesday, May 10, 2011 12:24:00 AM

    I hope you had a fantastic day - complete with nap!! I have many friends who agree with your assessment about Mother's Day, should be a day for the Mom. May not be necessarily WITH kids. :-)

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