Hey peeps... never did get my nap yesterday... booooo! I tried... NO idea why I couldn't sleep. I'm usually a fab napper. Oh well. I was so tired that I wasn't even interested in going out for dinner. It was just as well... that stupid little bitch... aka Jayden & Leighanna's mom... started calling Finn about noon, telling him that she was "done with the visit" with the kids. How lovely. She was supposed to arrive early on Saturday so she could see the kids' soccer game. She actually showed when there were about 10 minutes left. Nice. The plan was for her to keep the kids until Tuesday morning, as Finn's work schedule is screwy this week. He worked a regular shift yesterday, has to work 2pm-11:30 pm tonight, and has to be up and at it by 4:30 again tomorrow morning. Blarg!!! Originally, he told her to go screw and spend some time with her fucking kids. But she kept calling and kept calling.... she's so volatile that he was worried for the kids. Who knows what she'd do? Maybe she had a gang bang planned and would lock the kids in the closet. So he went and picked them up. I want to punch her square in the face. He works SO hard... at his job, with the kids, around the house... and she can't even have her own children for a whole day??? And let's not forget that she STILL doesn't pay ANY child support. AAAGGGHHH!!!! My sweet man made dinner for the whole crew as soon as he got home with the kiddos. What an angel. AND he gave me a gift card for a massage and a facial!!! ME LOVE IT!!!!!
So guess what I just did... I went to NOVA, Northern Virginia Community College, and had a walk-in consult with a counselor. Ohhhhh shit. I thought I was overwhelmed before. The good news is that this woman was incredibly helpful and knowledgeable, but DAYUM! I've got a LONG road ahead. I was hoping to take a class this summer just to get my feet wet, but I don't know if I'll be able to. I have to do the whole application process and take 2 HUGE placement tests... in English and math. Oh. My. God. I don't know if I've ever mentioned it, but when it comes to math, I may as well be brain dead. Seriously. A math MORON. They'll probably laugh me out of the place. Let's pretend for a teensy second that I can actually pass that test... it will take me 3 solid years to get my RN. Fucking hell. Truly... the thought of it makes me want to puke. I have NO idea how I will be able to go to school AND have a job. Granted, I realize I don't have a job... but I need to find one!!! Oh well... one step at a time. She gave me some websites to check into that have practice tests. I'm thinking I'll have to hit those pretty hard. It's mostly algebra that they focus on... I'll probably need Reilly to tutor me. Grrrr...
My sweet angel man... he sent me a text & asked how it went. I replied with a LONG note about all of this shiz. All he said was "well, let's get it started!" What a sweetheart.
I've already done some Craigslist work today... re-posted a few things that haven't sold and posted some new items too. I hope I can keep on rollin' with the sales.
Errands to run... gots to go. Gorgeous weather today... feels like home. :0)
xoxo
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
Shannon - you can do anything you set your mind to doing. I used to think I was horrible at math until I had physics classes and a wonderful professor who showed me I could do it. He shared that all math we learned in 3rd grade and no matter how scary it looks it is still adding - subtracting - multiplying and dividing and that is it. No rocket science required and watch the signs. I have been a math genius ever since! This is the girl who could not multiply with out a calculator until her son learned the multiplication tables when he was in 3rd grade. (yeah same girl who could not tell time in college - thank God for digital)
ReplyDeleteJust caught up on all your posts. I hate mean people - they really do suck.
ReplyDeleteYesterday, no warning, my next door neighbor bangs on the door and walks back to the middle of my front yard and proceeded to scream at me for my fence which after 2 years of nothing he has perceived that it may be infringing on his property and he wanted me to get my ass outside and take it down. (we did check the measurements and the fence is in no way on his property) I tweaked my knee so I am in no shape and of no mind to tear it out because he is using the f word. I told him he needs to address me with respect and come back when he can keep a civil tongue - he didn't like that. So he claimed he was going to tear it out with his car and I shared with him that if he did, I would call the sherrif and he could explain it to the sherrif. I did call the sheriff who did nothing. This neighbor recently was in the 72 hr lock down for suicide watch and has multiple DUI's and some thingy he has to breathe into to start his car. Then he told the sherrif I am always feeding his chickens on his property - which isn't true but what the hell? Anyway - they suggested I get a restraining order in the event that he comes over again so I can just call them and he can be arrested and I don't need to engage him. I talked to his wife - she is mortified by his behavior. She said she has no idea what has set him off and that it is possibly drug related and to go ahead and call the police because she cannot stop him when he gets all worked up over nothing. I had called Andy and he came right home - Big Andy 6'4" 250 lbs - went walking next door and shrimpy little loser 5'4" 125 lb big mouth refused to come out to talk to Andy. Andy is a gentle giant - doesn't swear or raise his voice. Guess the puke was scared shitless but has to act all tough and yell profanities at my mother, and me. Collin witnessed the whole thing and grabbed the machete - I am glad he did not come outside but Collin is looking pretty damn scary big these days too!
AOT
Shannon -
ReplyDeleteBeen following your back-to-school posts and was thinking, you should totally check into the KD scholarships when you're ready. The deadline for 2011-2012 has passed but you could apply next year - they have one for alumnae who are returning to school...that would be you.
ALUMNA GRANT FOR CONTINUING EDUCATION: The purpose of the $1,000 grant is to assist a worthy alumna who has been out of school for five years or more and is returning to school to further her education at the undergraduate or graduate level. The grant is awarded based on academic performance, service to Kappa Delta on any level and service to community.
They ask for a KD recommendation and as the AAB/CAB chair when you were in the house I would be happy to write one if you can refresh my memory on things you did...the leadership things, not the, ahem, other things ;o)
AOT,
Claudia