Welcome!

So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in
April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.
The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.
My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)
Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.
The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.
December 2010

14 May 2011

Didja miss me???

Hey chuckleheads.... sorry it's been a few days. Blogger went down for maintenance for an hour & it turned into DAYS!!! Things have been quite eventful around here, to say the least. The first big news is that I took my English placement exam on Thursday... and scored 100%!!! Yeah, baby!!! Suck on that!!! :0) I also have an actual appointment with my counselor this coming Thursday to map out what I need to do before applying for the nursing program. Even better news???? I found out that I can defer the math placement test for a while... thank God!!! I have to wait for all of my transcripts to come in, so it'll be a few weeks before I'll know exactly what I have to re-take, and what things will count, but I'd like to start during the summer's second session & take Medical Terminology... just to get my feet wet. You wanna know the coolest part? Reilly was SO proud of me... he's been telling everyone that we see what I got on my test and that I'm going back to school. Very sweet. 


And on to Reilly... damn, driving is a mighty big incentive for this kid!!! He scored a perfect 600 on his science SOL the other day. Yeeeehaw!!! Bonus... he won't have to take a final exam in that class because he got a perfect score. Nice! On Thursday, he sent me a text from school. It was a picture of a geometry test, on which he scored 96%!!! That class has been kicking his ass all year. His note said..."Mom... a permit is in order! Hell just froze over!!!" So yesterday we headed to the DMV. I was oddly calm, and he was really nervous! I don't know why... he'd been studying like crazy for the test. He only missed 1 question, so the kid can officially drive!!! It was so funny too... we ran into another mom & her son that I recognized. We got to talking, and it turns out that our boys were in their very first preschool class together when they were 2 1/2. Crazy that they were getting their permits on the same day. And this kid, Anthony, plays lacrosse too! We were barely out the door when Reilly grabbed the keys from me. I'm proud to say that he actually drove very well, and we're all alive to tell the tale. 
 On our way to the DMV... nervous and excited!
 Hmmmm.... this is a little scarier than I thought it would be!
 FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!!!! REILLY'S BEHIND THE WHEEL!!!
Oh yeah.... DIGGIN' it!!!

A very big day, indeed. :0) Followed by today... another big one for the Rei guy! He started work at the kennel this morning with orientation from 9-2. He LOVED it. His first training shift will be on Thursday. As soon as he gets off the bus, until closing time. He's already counting the minutes. I think having this job is going to be a FABULOUS thing for him. I've been singing his praises like a crazy woman.... I want him to know just how proud I am of him and his recent accomplishments. 

Rory had soccer this morning & he was THRILLED! It looked like we might have a rain-out, so he was very relieved that the game was still on. Leighanna is up at her grandma's for the weekend, so it was just Rory et moi at soccer. I was a little worried when I noticed the other team had 10 players, while we only had 5. They play 4 on 4, so we didn't have much in reserves today. It was a tough team too, but our guys played their booties off and won 8-1. Yahooooo!!! And yes, Rory scored!!! 
 Mr. Focused.... at it again.
 Woooohooooo! I scored!!!!!
Aiden giving Rory a congratulatory lift. :0)

All in all, a great couple of days. The nights have been rough, as my nightmares are back in full swing. A lot about David and his hideous suffering, and even more about my financial woes. God, I wish those fuck sticks would help me out.... I sold David's car, I'm still working on the loan mod, I continue to look for work AND I'm going back to school. Oh, and let's not forget, the boys are doing beautifully... all things considered. What more do they want???? 

Time to scram. I have lots more great driving and soccer pics to post, but I haven't finished editing them yet. I hope to have them up on Shutterfly later today. I hope you're enjoying the weekend! 

xoxo
S


***Pics have been posted on Shutterfly as of 7 p.m. Eastern. :0)
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1 comment:

  1. Have2CruiseSunday, May 15, 2011 11:59:00 AM

    Hey Miss Sunshine,

    I'm so proud of all that you have accomplished and by how far you have come since we first met three years ago this month! Wow a lot has happened in that short amount of time...seems like years and years ago not just three.

    So proud of Reilly too with his exam results, his driving permit and now a job! The boy has been busy!!

    As for Rory, he's still a cutie pie and glad he has his soccer games each week. LOVE the photo of him in full concentration as he plays. What a soccer dynamo he is.

    Well Brad has only 8 days left until he graduates with his Bachelors in some technical stuff that I don't understand. He should have gone back years ago and finished his 2 math classes that he needed for his Bachelors then. Oh well it is now done and he is graduating with honours. Now comes the hard part of knuckling down to find a job. Hard to believe that we have been living with his mum for 11 months now. Hopefully it wont be too long before he finds a job...when the government had no budget no one was hiring. Now the budget has been signed the government contractors are starting to hire again...that is hopefully good news for us! :)

    Must away and get the day started.

    Much love and HUGS

    Helen

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