I don't even want to talk about the loan mod shit from my last post. Makes my tummy hurt just thinking about it. Ugh. Toni... is June really Gay Pride Month? I had no idea. I may not be gay, but I have no problem showing gay pride!!! I have always wanted to go to the Pride Parade in San Francisco... it looks like a fuckin' blast. I remember being home at my mom's a few years ago, and they were televising it. I don't wanna say that Virginia is conservative or anything.... but they'd NEVER show that on tv here!!!! Fuckin' stupid if you ask me. Fuck 'em in the neck... one day I'll be there cheering in PERSON!!! Sorry to hear that Cook needs surgery... eew... hope all goes well and that she's back in business asap. Give her a hug from me. :0)
Saw the counselor this morning. Damn... I SO lucked out with this woman... she is AMAZING. First of all, she's a social worker & I think they're a special breed. And her knowledge of the courses, the professors, etc., is mind boggling. Seriously... she was hand-picking courses for me based on who's teaching that particular section. I have such a good vibe with her that I totally trust her guidance. Well, except for the fact that she had me enroll in TWO 3 credit condensed courses this summer... whuaaaa????? What in the HELL makes her think I can do THAT??? Classes begin on June 28th and run through August 8th. Talk about wham-bam. I'll have psych on Mondays and Wednesdays from 9:30 am to noon, and English on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 6:30 -10 PM... eew! Good thing my mamasan will be here for a few weeks of that... like it or not, she'll be helping with the kiddos when I have morning classes. Sorry mama!!! Then when she goes home, it'll be Reilly's turn. Yep. This back-to-school shit is going to have to be a whole-family effort. We've got my fall & spring classes picked out too... it's gonna be wicked. Each semester, one of the classes will be a 1 credit course that I can take online... cool. But the OTHERS are the 2 BIG KAHUNA'S that I need to excel in to be accepted into the nursing program. They are each 4 credits and are science combo courses. They've rolled anatomy, physiology, micro-biology, etc., into these 2 UBER courses that you take in 2 semesters, instead of 5 or 6 science classes that would obviously take much longer. We're talkin' lots o' lecture & lots o' lab. Well, shit. How am I supposed to do that and find some sort of a job???? I have to start earning money... asap!
There's no pussing out now either... I paid a non-refundable deposit today and got my student ID card. I'm such an idiot!!! You know what else I found out though? Even if I had completed my bachelor's, I'd still have to take all of these same classes now. To even apply to nursing school, all of your pre-requisites must have been completed within the past 10 years. Oops... I missed that mark by a mile!!! That's good I guess... no need to feel like I'm wasting time. There wasn't even a passing thought of me doing this back in the 90's.
So that's the latest. Officially enrolled in school and mailed a bunch of outstanding bills today. Not bad.
:0)
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
In Ca. they(Wells Fargo) always deny a loan Mod. the first time, and rarly ever make a loan mod. Keep trying if you want to stay in that house. Back to school will be easier this time because you want it. Remember they want nurses. They want you. If Nursing stops being your goal their are many other jobs in the health field. They are all needed esp. since the population is ageing. You are making things happen. Go Shannon. Love E
ReplyDeleteI have to say, Pride is a blast.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations!!! Very cool about school!
ReplyDeleteSo so jealous! I wish I had the guts to back to school. I would love to be a nurse and with all my experience with a cancer kid, I would make a damn good one too. The nurses all used to ask if I had nursing experience. Nope...I just pay attention :) I always though I would go back for my masters degree too. Once the kids came along, that went out the window too. Tons O Credit to you sister!
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r~
I think it is different when you go to college from high school vs coming in from life. I was so bored when I did my lower division at the JC's and when I came back from active duty with the Navy I wanted to be in college. - of course I still had that wild semester that screwed me over with too much part- tey ing. thank God for academic renewal!!! you will be super duper shannon!!!!
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Spunky