Hey scoobies... I only have a few minutes. I'm off to see my guidance counselor at NOVA. We'll see if there's any way in hell I can actually DO this RN thing in a reasonable amount of time, and without completely disrupting my family life and responsibilities. You could say I'm just a scoche nervous.
Added to my nervousness is a good dose of SEETHING RAGE. I was so proud of myself yesterday... I finally tackled a giant pile of scary mail and used some Craigslist funds to pay a bunch of bills that have been hanging over my head. I was feeling good... it felt like I was taking a wee bit of control. And then I opened yet another letter from Wells Fargo. Loan Modification Update: OFFICIALLY DENIED. And what do you think might be their reasoning? "Insufficient hardship to qualify for modification." Seriously????? Everything about my universe in the past 3 years has been nothing but hardship. Those fucking assholes. Do you realize the HELL they have put me through for the past 14 months as I tried to work this out??? The stress of this particular situation has pushed me to the brink on numerous occasions.
There was a number to call for clarification. Believe it or not, I called. Usually it would take me a couple weeks to muster the courage to do that. Yes, I have been denied... but the bozo that I talked to said I need to send in updated info... new hardship letter, proof of income, expenses, tax information.... on and on it goes. Gathering all of that shit the first time nearly killed me, and now I get to do it again??? And what does that mean??? Do I still have a chance??? AAAGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!
Something that would help me immediately would be a re-fi. Problem? I'm 60 days behind on my mortgage payments AND I have a 100k lien against the property because of that fucking loan that David took out. Even though I am not legally obligated to re-pay that loan, the bank says that since the borrower is dead, their agreement is with the property. WHAT???? How can you have a legally binding agreement with an inanimate object?
As far as I'm concerned, the suits that run these banks and make these decisions are CRIMINALS. They have NO INTEREST in helping me. They know that my house and property are incredibly valuable & highly desirable, and they'll make a mint when they take it from me and sell it. Scum sucking douchebags. I believe I posted on Facebook that they are the bacteria feeding on the maggots that are eating a pile of shit. Sounds about right.
Gotta go.
S
Trying to survive and thrive, through the most difficult time in my life.
Welcome!
So here's the Reader's Digest version for those of you who are new to my blog.... My 39 year old husband, David, was diagnosed with a hideous and deadly cancer in April of '08. We were told he'd likely die in less than 4 months. Obviously, that diagnosis turned us inside out and shook us to the core. At the time, our boys were 12 and 4... can you say 'fucking nightmare'??? I spent the next 14 months being his 24/7 caregiver and advocate... never leaving his side unless it was to get the boys to or from therapy or their cancer support groups. Cancer and the hell that it brings became our universe. And yet, I was able to get myself to a place where I was depending on my faith.... existing on a plane of pure gratitude. I focused my energies on recognizing the blessings that cancer had brought to our lives... yes, there ARE blessings that come with such a dire diagnosis.
Things were good. David miraculously entered remission in April of '09. I was looking forward to the next few months being our 'summer of healing' as a family. And then my world stopped. He left me... left US... on 6 June 2009. And FYI... he told me he was ending our 18 year marriage in a note. As if that wasn't bad enough, he had left me for a 'friend' who also happened to be married. Nice. The next few months are a blur... I descended into a deep, dark depression, and David's vicious treatment of me didn't help. He was running as fast as he could from everything associated with cancer, and that included me... our family, our home and the entire life we had built together. Things went from bad to worse when his cancer returned with a vengeance. He began treatment once again, and I had to dig deep to help him and make things as easy on him as possible. I even offered to have him move home so I could care for him through his treatment. As it turns out, it was a good thing he didn't take me up on that. The hateful way that he treated me during that time would have made caregiving for him an unbearable situation. I KNEW he was dying... nobody else did, because he fed them all kinds of bullshit... but I knew. Because of that, I focused on the boys and made sure they were with their daddy as much as possible.
His final months were a living nightmare... a kind of pain and darkness for which there are no words. No human being, no matter who they are or how they lived their lives, should have to suffer the horrific pain and endless indignities that David did. In spite of everything, I was with him constantly, much to the chagrin of his girlfriend and his mother. 'Too fuckin bad' was my theory. I wanted my boys to see that I NEVER turned my back on their dad. And I didn't. I continued to advocate for him in the hospital... fighting to get him the meds and the specialists he needed. I was there during his final moments of consciousness. I took Reilly to say goodbye to his dad, just before he slipped into that state. I was there when he died. I ID'd his body at the funeral home. I planned his funeral and his Celebration of Life. I placed his ashes in the wall of the Columbarium at the Naval Academy. We had spent half of our lives together, and though I was no longer in love with him, I did those things out of respect for the life that we shared and the family that we created.The 6 months since he died have brought more changes. I struggle daily to untangle the financial disaster he left me, and I'm fighting like hell to keep our home. The boys are now 15 and 7 and trying to learn how to move forward in their lives without their daddy. I had to get a part-time job after spending 15 years as a full-time mother, and I'm doing everything I can to trim the fat so we can afford to stay where we are. My boys NEED the stability and comfort that come with remaining in our home and community, and staying in their schools. To that end, I will fight with every fiber of my soul to ensure that those things happen.My greatest blessing is that I now have an incredible man in my life... a man who is thoughtful and loving, strong and sensitive, hilariously funny, and who loves me just the way I am. He is authentic. He knows who he is and is completely comfortable in his own skin. It certainly doesn't hurt that he's 11 years younger than I am and sexy as hell. :0)Yes, my boys are struggling in many ways... the therapy and support groups continue... and I still have MUCHO 'death business' to handle. That said, I am starting to believe that there might be a happy future ahead... for all of us.The past almost 3 years have been quite an emotional roller coaster, to say the least. Writing has been the most important part of my day, every day, since this journey began. I am once again being put in a position where I have to learn to survive... spiritually, emotionally, physically, financially... you get the picture. My hope is that I can hold on to my faith, find a moment of joy in every day, be the best mother I can possibly be, and hopefully... one day... emerge back into the light.December 2010
Hey Shan. Cook and I are headed to KaiserWorld. She is having surgery to repair her wrist. I am so sorry about the refy. Thanks for nuttin'. Special place in hell. Hope all goes well with your counseler! What a great field to get into. Better get going, I haven't even had my java yet. Hasta, T. Oh, and P.S. the rainbow paper is perfect for June and Gay Pride!! Just messing with you!!
ReplyDeleteI am so far behind on my posts, not ever sure you will read this far back!!! But, SERIOUSLY!!! WTF, is with Wells Fargo! Shan, I am so sorry. I know you will get all of the shit together - AGAIN - and persevere. Wish I could help!
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